This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 17, 2021 at 8:37am

I should've just took care of myself from the beginning, and not cared what anybody thought of me. What can I do about that? Why did I have to be so stupid, and believe in all these lies? I should've been upfront honest with myself. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 17, 2021 at 7:34am

Everybody I grew up with on my street "moved on with it." I can't understand why I can't move on too. Mom thinks I don't understand the world outside of our house. As if she thinks I'll be stuck here for good. I don't see how this is necessarily true. If anyone can do it, I can do it too. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 17, 2021 at 7:21am

I'm trying to put my finger on what happened, and why I struggle to move on, and make a difference in my life. I notice that I didn't make myself heard or seen by others. I just hid in my cocoon, which doesn't solve anything. Like you suggested, I should try dating apps and often go to meetups, which is something I seldom do. 

To be honest, I wasn't really listening to people when they advised me how to socialize. I remember being so introvert, self-kept and non-verbal, I got teased non-stop and everyone assumed I wasn't a smart person. It didn't really change as I merged into adulthood. To this day, I'm still the same old person who won't change. 

I could try to transform into a better person, and slowly become more extravert, but what baffles me is this damn pandemic. Fortunately, the pandemic is supposed to mellow out by summertime next year and will end next fall. Since everybody is getting their booster shots. 

It gives me hope to set new goals and change things about my own lifestyle. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 17, 2021 at 6:27am

When I was in my youth, I wanted so badly to find a partner and be with him. Now, I care even more about myself these days. It's as though I neglected my life potentials, health and wellbeing, and cognition over the thought of being in a relationship. I should've focused on myself in the first place, and made sure I was financially stable and fine. Why did I dwell so hard on something that never comes along anyway? 

I get it that nobody found me normal just sitting there being so quiet. So they got frustrated and ignored me altogether. 

And I really wish that I did better in school! What in the hell was I thinking? I could've put my self in serious trouble. It's very hard to find employment and I might have to start over. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 16, 2021 at 1:59pm

It's a nightmare when you wake up down the road with no life, because most of the time, you were gone in another world. Everybody is so pissed off that you weren't with them...probably took off for this very reason. You got to understand how you're making people feel around you. They're not going to be happy about it. 
I used to make a lot of people extremely angry at me, because I didn't communicate with them, and it was harder when my mind was traveling. The realization is quite sad, but I could've had a better life, with relationships and success, if I hadn't daydreamed at all. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 16, 2021 at 1:41pm

Well, I am trying to put my foot out, and be the professional and independent person my dad wants me to be. I wish dad would see that we're in a pandemic, which makes it harder for me to achieve that goal. The point is that I should've sorted this out well in advance, Like I had years to make myself self-sufficient, before covid came out. Regardless, I had contracts that did not stick, and then I kept hopping onto another contract. Plus the housing here in Canada is not cheap. Millennials seem to be the worst generation ever for getting their act in gear. Plus I never found a romantic partner to co-inhabit a place with. 

I must admit that I wasn't working hard enough, and I received a load of realistic feedback coming from past employers about my work ethic and critical thinking skills. They felt I had no real design talent, and I didn't really know how to think like a designer. I don't even see myself work on any new projects, while I'm applying to all these design places. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on November 16, 2021 at 1:24pm

Well, I'd like to think that you can discover that one person by putting yourself out there. Hence the dating apps. And well, you'd know if it doesn't work, you can come out. So do give it a shot and see how it works for you.

Yeah, I'm still in a hangover about the mess I made of my life while daydreaming. I could've gotten better grades in college, internships, and would've landed a job by now, but I messed up really bad. And COVID makes it look even worse.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 16, 2021 at 1:19pm

I went out for a walk on this nice crisp fall afternoon. At first I felt hard feelings towards my own life, but after a good walk around the neighbourhood, I started to feel better about things. I learned to forgive and forget. There is no sense in being hung up on past events, all it does is hold you back. I understand that I let people down with my socially awkward behaviour, but that's just who I was as a person. I think maybe, they acted too rashly on me. Of course, I never saw them again, so who cares? I don't find this sort of thing a tragedy. But I do find it a tough lesson learned so I can move on with a brighter future. 

As a new year's resolution. I want to get socially involved way more, if it means attending social events and bar karaoke's every weekend. I do want to go look for my own tribe, and see if I can make a difference. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 16, 2021 at 11:42am

I've had so many jobs in my working life. I've even trained on the job, and whenever I got off the training wheels, I tended to act like it's day #1. Maybe I hesitated, not feeling ready to be unmonitored, due to having a disability. I feel that whenever I go into a new job and work with new people, ultimately I don't think and work independently without making a lot of errors. The the manager thinks I'm an idiot with issues. They all give me angry looks. I've had a couple bosses who wondered if my resume was real. 

It could be that I have big gaps in between my jobs, and when I'm job hunting, I start to go stagnant and let it slide. Then I get tired and slow. 

I'd like to give myself one more chance in a job opportunity that I can grow up and do it right, with all my strength, speed and willpower. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on November 16, 2021 at 9:53am

Sometimes I wonder...if everybody else thinks I'm FROM another planet. 

First I get teased as a kid for being too quiet and looking stupid—and having shit for ears. Then I go out into the world of work and fail. My mom finds out about my daydreaming, so now she uses this as a perfect excuse whenever I do the stupidest things ever. I find out MD did me more harm than good, which is why I'm here. Now my dad is pressuring me to shape up and ship out. 

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