This is going to sound annoying. Living in a town for 29 years, all I ever heard by others is that I'm so quiet. They literally couldn't get a word out of me. I was too busy daydreaming in my head to realize how I looked on the outside. I actually never knew it made me look stupid. Non-family can be vigorous that way. I always used MD as a way to escape my frustrations, but it did me more harm that good, so I had to quit. It was the best decision I made. 

What reasons did you start doing MD? We're their any social issues involved that triggered this? 

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Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 11, 2021 at 8:43pm

Yeah, people are far off and the pandemic doesn't make things easier. I'm considering installing Bumble or Tinder again. So let's see how it goes.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 3:13pm

I can still go out and see people, full vaccinated and with a mask. I just find it awkward looking to make friends, when their first impression is a "mask." I heard this pandemic will hold up until 2023, and I won't be waiting. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 3:07pm

My sister is going over to her boyfriend's house for dinner. I've ever been over to a guy's house to eat and stay over, and sleep. My sister socializes a lot more than I do. 

I wish that I can go out and meet guys, but I'd have to wear a mask, you can't see my face. Francine found her boyfriend through online dating. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 11, 2021 at 8:29am

Yeah, as for me, I'm nervous to ask someone out and I don't really know how to do internet dating at all. 

So it's tough to get dating now. But the need is still there regardless.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 8:29am

It's creepy, but I opened my head to my past. I used to not understand why people behaved how they did around me, and why I was such a target. I think maybe, I was the weakest person in all of my schools, part-time jobs too, and I didn't come across as socially normal in comparison to the other students and collegues. So I got bullied like nobody's business. Not only that, everybody was gossiping about me all at once. I think they found me a very unfortunate person in terms of friends and relationship, and they kind of took pity on me. So they got very mean, and abused me in a way it made them look better and feel powerful, as they had their own insecurities to deal with too. Basically, I allowed myself to get manipulated. Meanwhile, I lived in my own world, unable to perceive in people's emotions and the realistic world around me. 

When I completed grade school, I felt the freedom of doing things I wanted to do, but I didn't keep in mind, it is very hard out there. Just because I got to attend art school to become an artist, didn't mean it guaranteed a happy future. For one thing, what kind of salary are you going to make painting portraits? I should've immediately considered a skilled trade after completing a year or two of fine art. Apparently, I made crummy decisions that didn't work out for me, and put me in my present situation. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 8:05am

I thought I was going to get somewhere at 35. It's a disgrace when life doesn't work out as you planned. I can't even find a job at my level in this pandemic crisis. I'm just wondering if the companies I applied to noticed the dates in my employment history and thought I'm this job hopper whose not very professional in her career. I applied to every company and agency I can think of. I'm just not winning. I don't think anybody is going to want to hire me. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 7:51am

Yeah, I think people are not attracted to be, first off, they can't get a word out of my mouth  and I look a bit scared of them. It's a turn off, and they're just not interested. They think I'm unfriendly, serious, and probably don't like them, so they go onto super outgoing people. 

I am who I am. I can't change so drastically for somebody else. I can improve things about myself, but I can't entirely transform the fact I have difficulty with social interaction. Meanwhile, they just keep on laughing at me. 
I don't believe any of them had Asperger syndrome, so they must've found me all strange and different. 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 11, 2021 at 7:46am

I regret not keeping myself in shape since I left Parts Avatar. It's actually harder to motivate yourself, when there's no project laid plan with deadlines. You start to do whatever you want. I envy people who have the natural ability to push themselves and be their own leaders. 

Comment by Kiruba Victor on October 10, 2021 at 10:56pm

Yeah, I'm a hopeless desperate romantic. I expect love in places where I know I can't get it. I wish I could find someone whom I could share intimacy with. Both physical as well as emotional. But it looks like it will be far off.

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on October 10, 2021 at 7:24pm

Call me a hopeless romantic, and a bit of a dramatic. Of course, a number of people found me someplace else, the way I carried on. And mom thinks I often don't live on Earth. 

When I was in my youth, I was ga ga over music and it moved me in a very spiritual way. It filled my soul with magic and wonder. It made me optimistic and gave me hope on finding love. It gave me the illusion that I'll meet someone special who will dance with me to these sweet and radical melodies. Who will share that passion with me to celebrate our new found love and start a life together. However, this didn't fly by anybody...and all they noticed was that I was quiet, timid and in another world. In fact, some of them caught me dancing, swerving, smiling and making faces to the music that moved me—and they just wanted to know if I was Ok. They couldn't seem to understand what I was doing and found me rather deaf. Years later, I realized that if I opened up about what I was thinking, they probably would've found me nuts. So I wonder if I found a guy who was right for me, would he understand all this. ...Or maybe I should quit hard and think twice about what I'm doing. 

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