Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I had my MD under a somewhat control for the past year, and even had a few productive months. And then, out of the blue, I had this big all time-consuming daydreaming binge I didn’t experience since high school.
It’s been going for the past two weeks. I found myself daydreaming from the moment I wake up, get back from work, and until the night demands me to sleep.
I neglected my family, my husband, my health, and work. I skipped a few days at work because I couldn’t let my daydream go, I had to relive it, be with this imaginary character in my mind, as if I was possessed.
I ate very little, practically forced myself to eat, because I would have gladly kept on pacing in my room, listening to those wonderful 20 seconds in a song that matched the scene so perfectly. My legs hurt from the hours I’ve spent walking from one corner of my room to the other, because I need my whole body to move to really feel it.
Do you also feel that high? That incredible rush through your body when a new scene is added, like a new episode of your favorite show just came out, when that happens it is the perfect excuse to re-imagine all of it from the start, again and again.
I keep going, only occasionally sitting down, not because I’m tired (my body is), but because I am on Pinterest looking for a new inspiration to fuel my daydream.
Before, I usually daydreamed daily for an hour, maybe two, and I keep going with my day. But right now, I can’t stop myself. Today, as I’m writing this, I woke up after my body has begged me for a break. I feel hangover, but I’m not sure I’m completely done. It keeps calling me, like a drug, and the worst part is that only a very small part of me, rational and sane, says I should focus on my life right now; make something, do something, something that is real that other people can see not just in in my mind, I just started a new job, why am I sabotaging myself? But the biggest part of me is hooked, addicted to daydreams and it doesn’t want it to end. I love it so much. Like a hungry beast it takes every waking minute to stay in my daydream, to hear that song again, and have conversations I would never have in the real world.
I have a coworker who lives nearby, she picks me up at 7:30 to work. At 7:28 I am still in my room, ready, but pacing enjoying those last few morning minutes to dance, dream, live in the story that won’t leave me. And I love it. Isn’t that part of an addiction? God, how much I love it. More than anything. I am married, and I love my husband with every fiber of my being, honestly, he is a huge link I have to reality because he truly is wonderful in so many aspects it will take a whole essay to explain. I sometimes look at him being so calm and beautiful, and I wonder: ‘how did I get this lucky?’, and yet - I would gladly escape to the man in my daydreams.
I feel numb to the real world; its boring, dull, the colors aren’t as bright. In my daydreams I am the girl with all the attention, the hero and the villain, I create and destroy, I live and die. In the real world, I only exist.
I thought about writing it all down, Hell, make some money out of it at least, turn it into a dark romance novel, that sells like fresh bread. But there is no way I can stop to just ‘think’, ‘plan’ my daydreams. I will lose the high, I can’t be the ‘drug’ dealer, I want to snort every bit of emotion I get from a scene, over and over until I am sick of it, then to the next hit, chasing it for hours.
I try to stop, to ration my time, I say just until 9:00, 9:25, 11:00, 13:00, grab a snack, 23:00.
“can you come to bed” my husband says. Yes. At least I have the discipline to not daydream all night, I think and know it’s a lie. If I knew I wasn’t going to bother anyone at night I would keep going. But I don’t want them to hear me. so, I don’t, but its ok, I lay in my bed, now it’s the time for the serious scenes, where no music is needed; the hero confesses his love, the villain is giving a speech. The daydream is lulling me into sleep when my body finally crashes.
And then, morning again. He wakes up early for work, she will pick me up at 7:30. I dress with my robe, the headphones are on before I brush my teeth, and I am there in my daydream all over again.