The roots of my imaginary self and life

I'm new to this forum and I wasn't sure I wanted to share something right away but there's something that I wanted to add that may hopefully help someone - one thing I don't see on anyone's posts - although maybe I'm not going back far enough?

And that is that, for me, my addiction to my imaginary life happened because, as a child, I really came to hate myself. I hated who I was.

I remember when I was very little I used to have more normal fantasies, about growing up to become a big strong man etc etc - but at a certain point it changed. I started to fantasize about being a different kid, someone who looked nothing like me. And it went on from there. I would go to bed at night and feverishly invest all of my mental energy in being that alternate me.

What's really helped me to put this imaginary life stuff behind me and in perspective is psychotherapy - to understand why I have hated and blamed myself so much.

Once I started to do that, it put this old need to not be me in a clearer perspective, so I can understand the roots of it.

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Comment by Brett L on January 16, 2021 at 5:33am

Well, I first tried it in my 20s and then unfortunately the person I was seeing moved away, So I stopped. My mother had known I was seeing a therapist and she wasn't supportive of it. Then I tried again in my 30s but unfortunately the person that I sort of chose at random really wasn't very good and that was my story for literally decades, sadly. So it wasn't until I was actually 50 that I found someone, a psychotherapist, who could really help me. That's the thing about psychotherapy or psychology or psychiatrists - you've got to find someone good, who is going to help you. Don't be afraid to audition people!

Comment by Jonna on January 15, 2021 at 11:58pm
How old were you when you went to psychotherapy...?
Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on January 13, 2021 at 7:42am

My mom is some of those people who doesn't think daydreaming is mature "grown-ass" behaviour. I wish she would visit this site and see how many people (decades older) actually do this everyday. Of course, I stopped, 'cause I failed to hide my alternative fantasy life. Too many people caught a hold of my staring "eyes" and terrible listening problems. So I'm so glad I quit, otherwise, it would've been getting scary. I live in Canada and have Asperger syndrome, in my whereabouts, we're folks you don't mess with. 

Comment by Brett L on January 6, 2021 at 9:08am

I think I know exactly what you mean Jessica. But it's great that you are at the place where you can except responsibility and look back on the past truthfully. That's a hard thing for most people to do! We discover is that we actually can bear that load, we don't have to run away from things anymore, and it's a way to move forward. It's a heavy burden to carry but the only thing that's heavier is to continue to run away from things and what we've done. So whether it's psychotherapy or psychiatry or whatever, good for you for doing what you did! 

Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on January 6, 2021 at 8:27am

I really should've taken psychotherapy in the first place. MD sort of damaged my future. I lived in the same house all my life. It makes me feel so bad. I may not ever have a normal adulthood. I started fantasizing as a child, thinking it was no big deal, and it won't effect anything. I didn't like who I was, because the kids found me very weird and too quiet to be their friend. This went on for many, many years. I found out later than I have Asperger syndrome, which makes relationships extremely difficult. I used to suffer from depression, because I had no idea. I originally thought I was an "oddball" with a few parts missing. To this day, people still bicker and grumble that I'm so quiet and timid, and unable to interact with them properly. They even assume quickly that I have no social life and can't go on dates with men. It's horrible. 

So I used my MD like a fuzzy blanket to keep me warm in this cold realization. I eventually managed to stop doing MD the hard way, by private psychiatry and meditation. In other words, I thought about all the things that went wrong in my past and how many people I impacted. It's so embarrassing to confess you were wrong all along, and everybody else was right. My belief system was so much different when I was young. 
Anyhow, I coped and hope my temporary situation will improve and I will make new friends. 

Comment by Brett L on January 5, 2021 at 8:04pm

Well that's a good first step, Cane.

Another thing is that we often don't know how to accomplish anything, because of course the way we "accomplish" things in our unreal existence isn't like how it works in the real world. 

What's weirder was that for me, when I would accomplish things, I would sabotage it! 

Comment by Cain on January 5, 2021 at 7:54pm

This is exactly when I too realised that something is wrong with me. When all my friends were achieving new things and I was just the same I was years ago.

Comment by Brett L yesterday

Well, it's a gradual process for us all. I think that one thing that "helps" is to get older and see that other people are achieving things and you are not. It's a tough lesson to learn but experience is a great teacher!

Comment by Brett L on January 4, 2021 at 12:50pm

Well, it's a gradual process for us all. I think that one thing that "helps" is to get older and see that other people are achieving things and you are not. It's a tough lesson to learn but experience is a great teacher!

Comment by Erica Tamizi on January 4, 2021 at 12:17pm

Nice post!

reminded a lot of things about myself. Proud that you could put your imaginary life behind and go back to the real life. 

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