Chandra D Lewis's Posts - Wild Minds network2024-03-29T01:35:29ZChandra D Lewishttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/ChandraDLewishttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/8121826900?profile=RESIZE_180x180&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=2llho5blg6wzq&xn_auth=noThe Second Steptag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-01-17:4661400:BlogPost:1222952013-01-17T03:26:30.000ZChandra D Lewishttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/ChandraDLewis
<p>I lurk quite a bit on this forum (lurking is what I'm good at, on and off line), and came to the conclusion that before I could really start getting a hold on my prodigal mind I needed to tell someone.</p>
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<p>So I told my husband. And cried through the whole thing. I said what I had to say, he asked some questions- I even directed him to this place to show I'm not the only one, as if it would somehow cusion the fact that I'm not like other people. While he read, I sat there, dreading…</p>
<p>I lurk quite a bit on this forum (lurking is what I'm good at, on and off line), and came to the conclusion that before I could really start getting a hold on my prodigal mind I needed to tell someone.</p>
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<p>So I told my husband. And cried through the whole thing. I said what I had to say, he asked some questions- I even directed him to this place to show I'm not the only one, as if it would somehow cusion the fact that I'm not like other people. While he read, I sat there, dreading the look upon his face when he turned back to me. Disappointment, confusion, pity, or perhaps my worst fear -a blank stare, no understanding at all. Frightened doesn't even come close to what I was feeling. Whilst he had no clue of what I do, then I can pretend nothing is wrong, that I am just like everyone else.</p>
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<p>He looked up at me and smiled. He said he knew I was weird; it was one of the many reasons why he loved me so much. He always knew I did something else when I was alone, but didn't think anything of it. He actually said he does something similare when he creates his games! Just not to the extent that I can, apparently. If the imagination opens a new world, he told me, then I have my own solar system. Richi said he was almost jealous of that.</p>
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<p>I've never felt happier in my entire life, including the birth of our child. My greatest fear is never being understood, never belonging. If life was a house with people residing within, then I am the creeper in the bushes; I stay hidden behind the branches, watching and wishing I can go inside too, but desperately hoping no one sees me. When they do, they usually lock the doors. But Richi conveniently leaves a window open just for me. He already knew I was different, and pretending to be normal did nothing to distract him.</p>
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<p>Then he started to apologise to me. He seemed to think he might have been hurting me with asking me to help him create the backstories to his games. He's got a RPG he's working on called Stonelight, and I helped hammer him out an entire universe in three months. We still are ironing out some details, but the core of its existence is complete. Although I do dream of the place sometimes, it's not encompassing as some of my other 'worlds'. When I can use it constructively, it isn't something that encroaches so much as just occasionally whispers in my ear.</p>
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<p>Of course, then the topic switched to what can be done to help me. He suggested telling his mother, who is a registered nurse. Although my common sense saw the logic in this -having a licensed professional's clinical opinion may indeed be helpful- when he set it up for me, I was so scared again I cried all that day. However, once again my husband helped me in more ways than I think he knows. She studied MD with me, helped me figure out a game plan to keep this under control. She even opened herself up to me and told me what it was like to be in her head. I kind of felt bad for her; let me tell you, normal people's brains sound a boring. :P We figured out where I have problems and where MD helps. In school, I would slip into a dream whilst being taught, but never leave the classroom, and that would solidify what was said into my mind and I never needed to study. So now we are trying to figure out how I learned to do that and try to apply it in other parts of my life.</p>
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<p>All in all, I am really glad I told someone. I feel so much freer around them both, like I don't have to stand in that bush anymore. Now the next hurdle- telling my parents!</p>
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<p></p>A discovery and Confessiontag:wildminds.ning.com,2012-12-11:4661400:BlogPost:1183252012-12-11T21:53:27.000ZChandra D Lewishttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/ChandraDLewis
<p>I never really saw my daydreaming as a problem, per se. This has always been my sordid secret. Sometimes I'm not where my body is, that's the most I've every admitted to what I do. My husband doesn't even know, and we are so close.</p>
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<p>Out of curiousity, and perhaps a bit of obsessive studying, I just googled about my fantasies and was brought to a phrase: maladaptive daydreaming. Now I can be a tad phobic about medical conditions, but this was the first time I ever had something…</p>
<p>I never really saw my daydreaming as a problem, per se. This has always been my sordid secret. Sometimes I'm not where my body is, that's the most I've every admitted to what I do. My husband doesn't even know, and we are so close.</p>
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<p>Out of curiousity, and perhaps a bit of obsessive studying, I just googled about my fantasies and was brought to a phrase: maladaptive daydreaming. Now I can be a tad phobic about medical conditions, but this was the first time I ever had something match me so perfectly. No, I'm not diagnosed by a psychiatrist, although I have thought about seeing one on occasion. But I think one can agree you don't necessarily need a doctor to confirm something like this.</p>
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<p>A quick second search landed me here. In any of my fantasies could I ever guess so many were just like me. I've read many posts by people here, and I am taken aback of how freely the disccussions on this secret I've desperately kept for so many years flow.</p>
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<p>Well, enough waxing prose and on to why I'm posting. I want for the first time to talk about by fantasies, and despite the anonymity of the internet I feel the sinking pit of anxiety in my core.</p>
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<p>I have been escaping into elaborate fantasies since I can really remember. Now that I really think about it, this really didn't get too ingrossing until after a particular trama I experienced. I don't know whether such things can trigger it, or if it's because I didn't have anyone close to my age to play with. Whatever the reason is inconsequential at the moment. Admitting to the problem should come first.</p>
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<p>In youth, usually these dreams involved tv shows or movies, perhaps books, and I would pretty much continue the stories I felt weren't ended right. As I got older, I began to filter those direct influences out and come up with my own. I learned how to channel them in school from awkward talking to myself to art and graphic novels. Now at the age of 26, my fantasies are of my own design, down to the lands, the laws, the rules of life, and cultures. Really helps with the writing career I'm trying to start.</p>
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<p>Despite the good I've gotten from being this way, I also have so many things that if it didn't caused, it surely did not help. I'm awkward with talking to real people, especially at first. I may get pity-invited to places like parties, but I invariably just stand at the outskirts and watch. I'll actually leave company for a moment and "take a break" in the bathroom to dream for a minute or two. Now that I am a mother and away from home to look for a job, I don't have as much time to indulge in this, and I find myself getting angry over it. Wow, it really does sound like an addiction, doesn't it?</p>
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<p>Ok, I think I'll stop here. I feel a bit sick doing this, but maybe it's time I come clean.</p>