Aaron Wolfie's Posts - Wild Minds network2024-03-28T19:33:05ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMundayhttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3145247860?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=2fb25mpoqrj9r&xn_auth=noSometimes I feel like my mum don't deserve me :'(tag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-06-13:4661400:BlogPost:1852052014-06-13T19:37:37.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Another ranty post I'm afraid :(. So my mum gets in with a load of shopping and despite the situation being so predictable I offer to help out with putting the stuff away. I knew I'd just end up getting under my mums feet. She said "yes please that would be lovely" so I help her put some boxes of cereal away and some in the cupboards had little bits left in there. Trying to show a little bit of initiative I start trying to ask my mum whether anyone would eat the last bits of cereal. All of a…</p>
<p>Another ranty post I'm afraid :(. So my mum gets in with a load of shopping and despite the situation being so predictable I offer to help out with putting the stuff away. I knew I'd just end up getting under my mums feet. She said "yes please that would be lovely" so I help her put some boxes of cereal away and some in the cupboards had little bits left in there. Trying to show a little bit of initiative I start trying to ask my mum whether anyone would eat the last bits of cereal. All of a sudden she proper loses her temper with me and snaps! I feel proper deflated and am just sat in the sitting room feeling useless now. <strong>T</strong><strong>hat is the first time today I've seen her</strong> and that is the greeting I get. I still don't feel the best either so I am feeling a little fragile emotionally right now so maybe I'm just being over sensitive. </p>
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<p>I know it sounds like an awful thing to say about my mum not deserving me, after all she did give birth to me and taught me most of what I knew. However, my confidence is always so frayed around her. I am always on the brunt of her temper. The slightest mistake or the slightest bad day she has and I become a verbal punching bag. Surely I am not that bad of a person that she makes me out to be :(. I feel so conflicted between the blood loyalty that I feel to my mum and the deep resent still that she forced my hand in a relationship that wasn't hers. She forcefully broke my heart because she was prejudiced and made me look like a typical player to someone I actually cared so deeply about.</p>
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<p>I feel like she is trying to preserve my sense of loneliness so I become that possession she can keep on display whenever she likes. She doesn't respect my strive for individuality or my push for independence as an adult. I can hear her even now discussing the f*****g cereal again with my dad in a far more civil manner! Sorry for swearing but is that not a responsibility I am trusted with!? Or deserve to be treated like a normal human being over!?</p>
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<p>I love my mother so much but it tears me apart to say roll on September I deserve to be treated a little better than this I feel :'(</p>Not long to go :)tag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-06-10:4661400:BlogPost:1844962014-06-10T22:10:57.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Still feeling a little poorly :( trying to will myself back to good health though as it's my birthday in like 50 minutes :). Kind of wish I had friends to share it with, sadly I am slightly lacking in that aspect of my life right now. I have an amazing family however to share it with :). I think they are taking me out somewhere to relax and down the pub for a couple of drinks then it's back home for a lovely bbq so I hope the weather holds :). xx</p>
<p>Still feeling a little poorly :( trying to will myself back to good health though as it's my birthday in like 50 minutes :). Kind of wish I had friends to share it with, sadly I am slightly lacking in that aspect of my life right now. I have an amazing family however to share it with :). I think they are taking me out somewhere to relax and down the pub for a couple of drinks then it's back home for a lovely bbq so I hope the weather holds :). xx</p>I had the most amazing dream last night :$tag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-06-06:4661400:BlogPost:1843612014-06-06T14:59:37.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Okay, so I see quite a few people getting into daydream relationships and while I have often daydreamed about that ideal girl, I have never really had the urge to make her 'more of a reality' so to speak.</p>
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<p>However, last night I had a dream and I met the most amazing girl. It isn't often I have dreams that really stir me up but this one definitely did. I am not quite sure about how the dream really came about, in that some 'pre dream happenings' must have occurred. I found…</p>
<p>Okay, so I see quite a few people getting into daydream relationships and while I have often daydreamed about that ideal girl, I have never really had the urge to make her 'more of a reality' so to speak.</p>
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<p>However, last night I had a dream and I met the most amazing girl. It isn't often I have dreams that really stir me up but this one definitely did. I am not quite sure about how the dream really came about, in that some 'pre dream happenings' must have occurred. I found myself in this house with this other guy and while this aspect of the dream is quite blurry, something tells me that this other guy was me. </p>
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<p>Only it wasn't me. I guess you could say a double of sorts. Something tells me that in this dream I bumped into a double randomly and they roped me into some kind of plan. I was in this house (I presume theirs) and they wanted to look for something or do something without their girlfriend knowing or bothering them and should she come back to the house early I had to pretend to be them to keep her from catching them out.</p>
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<p><span>I don't know whether this person actually was a double but in the dream this girl who I had never even met treated me like she knew me really well so I'm guessing he was. Anyhow, backtracking a little bit she came home earlier than expected and I was expected to 'act normal'. When I set eyes on her however, oh my god I never thought a dream person could stir up so much emotion and attraction. </span></p>
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<p><span>She had long black hair and brown eyes, the most amazing figure and slightly tanned skin I think. She seemed very bubbly but at the same time deliberately shy. I instantly felt myself becoming deeply attracted to her. We began this playful game of flirting but she kept hesitating and pulling back, almost teasing me into chasing her. </span></p>
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<p><span>Eventually she cuddled up to me and I held her in my arms, then gazing up at me she kissed me, passionately. It was the most amazing kiss I have experienced ever. I felt so much burning chemistry there. Then the dream ended right there. </span></p>
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<p><span>I woke up feeling a mixture of emotions. I felt longing but at the same time guilt that I probably stole someones girlfriend off of them and was slightly deceptive ><. I feel intrigue as I so badly wish I could see this girl again and get to be with her some more.</span></p>
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<p><span>I can honestly say I have never had a person in a dream stir me up quite like that before :$. It's kind of a feeling of wanting something that you know you cannot have. So wishing dreams were real right now ><.</span></p>Strange and painful couple of days :(tag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-06-05:4661400:BlogPost:1842222014-06-05T21:49:12.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>I've been in a sorry state the last couple of days ><. Went round my brother and his girlfriend's new house. Had a lovely time but it would have been even better if my wisdom teeth weren't causing me excruciating pain :'(. Had to have soup at one point and put up with some horrendous pain for a couple of days. Finally got to the dentist today and it turns out that I have a slight infection that requires antibiotics. Also have to rinse it with a syringe full of medicated solution…</p>
<p>I've been in a sorry state the last couple of days ><. Went round my brother and his girlfriend's new house. Had a lovely time but it would have been even better if my wisdom teeth weren't causing me excruciating pain :'(. Had to have soup at one point and put up with some horrendous pain for a couple of days. Finally got to the dentist today and it turns out that I have a slight infection that requires antibiotics. Also have to rinse it with a syringe full of medicated solution :/. </p>
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<p>Also, I found out something while I was away. Some idiot rammed into my mum at the shops with a trolley because he wasn't looking where he was going and he then proceeded to get in my mums face and yell abuse at her. Without going into the awful details too much, apparently the C word was used at least 14 times at he also called her a fat S word. I was absolutely fuming when I found out. I started having violent daydreams while around my brother and his girlfriend which is a weird first. I started daydreaming that I smacked the guy in the face which is totally out of character for me. I started almost having mini convulsions where I was so angry and almost acting out my daydreams of hitting this person. </p>
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<p>It's got me thinking, it's strange. I always used to be so afraid until recently. When I had a huge row with my mum over that girl I was seeing, something changed inside of me. I have become more short tempered and more inclined to stand my ground and fight rather than run away. My mum said to me that I couldn't face the fact that when I looked into the mirror my mum was who I would see staring back at me. I was horrified that I could be like someone I regard as so inappropriately angry. Now I am starting to believe it's true. I feel it, like something has switched on inside of me. Like some kind of gene has activated. I have somehow over this last month given up some of my placid temperament and acquired my mums blunt attitude towards people who annoy me. I don't know whether to be happy at standing up for myself or concerned....</p>Heartachetag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-06-02:4661400:BlogPost:1837392014-06-02T00:45:48.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>So my ex (as mentioned in a previous post) texts me telling me I am a user and a player and that she feels sorry for the next girl I'm with, because I changed my relationship status to single and open to the possibility of one day finding someone. She has now seemingly moved on pretty fine. Her surname has now changed to this other guys and its only been a couple of weeks. They are hugging and she looks happy. Looks like she has moved on pretty nicely. </p>
<p><font size="2">I do miss her,…</font></p>
<p>So my ex (as mentioned in a previous post) texts me telling me I am a user and a player and that she feels sorry for the next girl I'm with, because I changed my relationship status to single and open to the possibility of one day finding someone. She has now seemingly moved on pretty fine. Her surname has now changed to this other guys and its only been a couple of weeks. They are hugging and she looks happy. Looks like she has moved on pretty nicely. </p>
<p><font size="2">I do miss her, terribly. It feels pretty weird seeing her hugging another guy knowing she is now feeling the feelings she felt towards me but with someone else. It hurts a little knowing she probably doesn't give me a second thought no more. I guess she never really </font>truly<font size="2"> cared. I just hope I find my someone someday so I don't have to keep going through this :(</font></p>Disillusioned with an Illusiontag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-05-27:4661400:BlogPost:1833222014-05-27T22:32:37.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Slightly unrelated but I feel it's led to an increase in my daydreams.</p>
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<p>I was in a relationship about a month ago, with a woman 13 years older than me. Some may call that creepy, others may say it's fine. I personally felt a degree of security and actually felt protective over this person like any boyfriend would. However, my darling mother, like clockwork waded in there and started prying and judging and needless to say the whole situation went collateral. My mum and me had a…</p>
<p>Slightly unrelated but I feel it's led to an increase in my daydreams.</p>
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<p>I was in a relationship about a month ago, with a woman 13 years older than me. Some may call that creepy, others may say it's fine. I personally felt a degree of security and actually felt protective over this person like any boyfriend would. However, my darling mother, like clockwork waded in there and started prying and judging and needless to say the whole situation went collateral. My mum and me had a huge bust up, I was almost made homeless. <span style="font-size: 13px;">I eventually ended up painted into a corner where my mum told me I had to choose. Understandably I chose the only safe base I have right now.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 13px;">I get texts telling me I am a liar and a player and "who would want a liar like you, you played me and I feel sorry for the next person. Karma is a b**ch". Then there is my mum on the other side making me feel like a useless son, bringing up "oh you can get with her she isn't nearly old enough to be your mum". I mean how disgracefully smug of someone who supposedly forced me to break up with someone because they "love me and want to protect me". She also, has implied that she won't ever forgive me or trust me fully again and keeps bringing it up at every opportunity. I was and still am to a degree heartbroken but I am trying hard to move on despite my confidence taking a thrashing and feeling low.</span></p>
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<p>My access course is up too which means I have lots of downtime until September :/.</p>
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<p>I am feeling a little vulnerable right now. I have lost my confidence with women and am losing faith in my mum as my ideal role model she has hurt me in so many ways. I just want a stable relationship, one that will preferably last beyond a year if that is at all possible. One that isn't determined by my mums' opinion. I feel heartbroken, it was the first time I'd ever really experienced intimacy on that scale, I actually spent the night asleep holding someone in my arms rather than waking up staring at their back. I felt worth something to someone. That woman said I'd regret it and I was before that message even showed up on my phone and still am despite trying to move on. </p>
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<p>What's more I am questioning whether I am hooked on toxic relationships or are they being poisoned by the claws of my mum who just can't let me go a little. To a degree I feel my mum has emasculated me and I don't feel desirable because I am so sensitive. To an extent the only thing I feel I can do is cut myself away from my mum and try again fresh.</p>
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<p>Either way I feel unattractive right now, my confidence is running low and my MD is running riot. I just want something real, that isn't fantasy or an illusion for a change :/. </p>
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<p>Whenever, I get close to someone they hurt me or I end up getting hurt. I just want what I see with other couples without the pain or fear :(</p>
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<p>Also, my driving test is in a couple of weeks and my confidence is rock bottom with everything, I keep making mistakes which is making me feel useless :(</p>My life so fartag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-03-06:4661400:BlogPost:1756752014-03-06T11:13:58.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Where to begin?....my life as a whole has been more like a washing machine of emotion with everything continuously tumbling round and round seemingly without end. One emotion rolls immediately into the next. One minute I'm happy, the next I am sad, then I am lonely, then I love nothing more than being alone. </p>
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<p>Admittedly, I don't remember much about my childhood, only that it was warm and safe. Everything was new, places and experiences were exciting. I can roughly remember the…</p>
<p>Where to begin?....my life as a whole has been more like a washing machine of emotion with everything continuously tumbling round and round seemingly without end. One emotion rolls immediately into the next. One minute I'm happy, the next I am sad, then I am lonely, then I love nothing more than being alone. </p>
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<p>Admittedly, I don't remember much about my childhood, only that it was warm and safe. Everything was new, places and experiences were exciting. I can roughly remember the smell of play school, the paints, the modelling clay. I can also remember a little bit of my first school. One of the things that still makes me smile is how popular I was with girls, I had a group of about 7 all to myself lol of course I was way too young for all of that stuff at the time. Yet at the same time however, I probably had a far stronger friendship with all of them than could be expected of someone my age. I was happy and carefree; I maintain that naivety is such a precious gift when you are young.</p>
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<p>So what went wrong for me? There is no doubt about it that carefree, confident, happy character I once was is all but a shadow now, oh I doubt that I can get close to that place again...but I don't think it will ever be quiet the same as my view on the world and people now is marred hugely. The day it all went wrong for me was when I come back from an introductory day to my secondary school. I was nervous and excited and eager to get home and tell my mum and dad how I had got on. Except when I came home, mum and dad weren't happy. Mum was sat at the top of the stairs with her head in her hands, crying uncontrollably. Dad tried his best to comfort her, they wouldn't tell me for a good 3 hours at least what was going on. <span style="font-size: 13px;">They finally opened up and told me that my grandmother had been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, it was terminal.</span></p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 13px;">Something inside my 11 year old mind, failed to register it for a long time. I was so close to my nan. Whenever there was a risk of me losing confidence, be it the typical playground pecking order, or not doing so well in class, my nan was there. My mum used to take me round there and I would sit on her lap and tell her what was going on and she would reassure me and make me feel safe. Make it ok to be me, reassure me that not every one in this world succeeds all of the time and that I was amazing just for being myself and being the best that I could be. She was my rock and my source of strength, she was meant to last forever. She was too good of a person to suffer such a terrible illness and it couldn't be cured...WHY!? </span></p>
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<p>All these thoughts exactly, were going round and round in my head. The innocent side of me thought that my nan was going to be ok, that she would last forever. However, the side of me that was starting to mature knew that when people died, they didn't wake up ever again. This inner conflict caused me distress on a level I couldn't handle. I started secondary school shortly after my nan died and I was already a world apart from that young care free person just a year or so ago. I didn't want to be at school, the pain was too sharp, too distracting, so I withdrew into myself. It wasn't long before I lost my friends, they all found other people to be around and disowned me in a sense. My status within my group of childhood friends eventually became that of a plus one, an option that they could take or leave until I rarely saw them even though I tried.Eventually, I gave up because trying just resulted in them rejecting me and tearing into me or not defending me any more, like they used to in school. </p>
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<p>There was this one guy that took an instant disliking to me, I had to be paired with him and a lifelong friend. I suggested a question to a questionnaire and he replied with something along the lines of "how about we have the question you are a ******* ****** instead and everyone will tick I agree", I was shocked more than anything else. Looking to my closest friend who I'd known since play school for support, I was met with laughter in agreement, I felt hugely betrayed. This was just one of many occasions where they didn't bother any more. I was left open to everyone, vulnerable and they knew it.</p>
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<p>It's like they could sense the pain that was bleeding out of me, I was still grieving so much even though I tried to hide it and make an effort. It didn't stop them though from swarming around me like sharks. One person decided to get daring and try and hit me most where it hurt. He told me it was my fault, that I made my nan die, I just felt numb with shock to even react, I wasn't even a year into secondary school and I was already laying down and taking it. I was often laughed out of class in tears, anything they could use they would, the fact I had an eating disorder and was very thin, my shoes my mum bought, anything and everything. A couple of the teachers even had a go. One laughed at me for not understanding a question and got everyone to laugh at me, I felt so insignificant and even now I'm scared of asking questions in class in case the same thing happens. Another one laughed at me a couple of years later because by this point I was trembling just going up in front of the class, speeches were hell. One of the students saw me naked when I was getting changed and told everyone about it. It was a torrent of suffering, each day in school offered something new they would try. They often used sexual jokes as a form of bullying which could explain why I myself flirt a lot, possibly as a defensive mechanism?Avoiding it all didn't seem to work either because being out of school with a virus led to one person gleefully telling everyone that I had 3 months left to live.</p>
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<p>How did I get by? I honestly do not know. Very much the same way I've been getting by now. I made it up as I went along, threw myself into education because that all I had left that one shred of escape. It was either that or suicide, thankfully I chose that. I left with fantastic grades which is a huge consolation. I decided to go onto sixth form, which sounds so crazy but I was too traumatised to go anywhere else, better the devil you know right?</p>
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<p>I left with a mixture of grades and not so good grades. It was this point now where it was evident I wasn't coping in the wider world so good. I may not have seen the people since but the damage they left was evident. I began to rely on a combination of things as release for my internal conflict. I started to rely on a fantasy world where people respected me where I meant something to someone, even if they weren't real. I also developed a sexual addiction which I'm struggling to overcome, because It's the only time when I feel worth something, when I can have a shred of gratification and really feel good in myself. However, It has its downsides as I appear needy and drive people away by being too flirtatious but its a defence mechanism or a by product of what's happened I swear by it. Deep down as well I just want to be loved, to have that deeper desire fulfilled. I also began to rely on alcohol too which dragged me down further. With a mixture of mood swings, strong panic attacks, strong sexual addiction and compulsive daydreaming I was convinced I'd lost it. I went to a psychiatrist convinced I had bipolar and kept telling them I wanted to die. Strangely though aside from prescribing me some anti anxieties and diagnosing me with Generalised Anxiety Disorder, nothing else was done. Eventually I wasn't seeing them no more and was taken off the meds after a short space of time. </p>
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<p>I had to go on welfare just to cope because I was too much of a wreck for employment. This led to me falling out with some members of my family who had jobs and just didn't understand, I was also dragged through court to argue my case which was so scary. I just wanted to lay down and die, I'd seen enough. </p>
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<p>Then everything changed....</p>
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<p>My daydreams increased hugely, I felt safe and inspired by the strength I was getting from them. I soon realised I was turning it in on myself so through whatever means, I guess one day I just snapped. I took up karate which was so scary at first but such good fun, I took up driving and am soon to be going for my theory test. It scary as hell but im getting there. The proudest moment of my life however, was when I went skydiving. Suddenly I have started living for myself. I went back to college on an access course and am on target to go to university to study clinical psychology in September. It is my hope to help improve understanding, acceptance and support of mental health so that people can hopefully not go through half the stuff I did and if they do, offer them some support to counter the destructive thoughts and behaviours. </p>
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<p>I get on with people so much better in college now but sadly some shreds of my past still remain. They are more acquaintances than friends because I am still very socially awkward. I still have panic attacks but day dream loads though, which in 'insanity', actually keeps me 'sane'. Also, thankfully I don't drink as heavily any more. I still suffer with hypersexuality but I guess its going to take a while to conquer and build meaningful relationships when I'm so addicted to toxic ones. </p>
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<p>but you know what they say, one step at a time....</p>Childhood a daydream?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-02-09:4661400:BlogPost:1729292014-02-09T21:16:13.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>I don't know why it is, but my Maladaptive Daydreaming seems to have become more active lately. I think there is a good link between it and the events that are going on in my life. I've been having issues with my girlfriend lately and I'm scared about university. I am desperately trying to spend time with my family but sometimes it seems like they aren't fussed to which I'm guessing is fuelling my MD.</p>
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<p>Tonight I'm particularly sad. I don't know why I've taken this to heart…</p>
<p>I don't know why it is, but my Maladaptive Daydreaming seems to have become more active lately. I think there is a good link between it and the events that are going on in my life. I've been having issues with my girlfriend lately and I'm scared about university. I am desperately trying to spend time with my family but sometimes it seems like they aren't fussed to which I'm guessing is fuelling my MD.</p>
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<p>Tonight I'm particularly sad. I don't know why I've taken this to heart maybe I'm being over sensitive but for my brothers birthday I got him this game and I was so so desperate to see him play it and spend time watching him and advising him so I could spend some quality time with him before I go off to university. He kept being really reluctant to play it though and I thought maybe he didn't like it which made me feel bad. <span style="font-size: 13px;">I kept trying to encourage him though and big it up and say what a good game it is and I'd love for him to play it and give us some rare time to bond.</span></p>
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<p><font size="2">I finally got him to play it and not even 5 minutes in he was like oh I can't be asked to learn the controls for this and he gave up. He said the thing is I'm fire and you are water I don't enjoy your games.</font></p>
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<p><font size="2">I felt my cheeks burning really red. I guess I got </font>embarrassed<font size="2"> that It was such a let down and so quickly. He said oh I'll keep playing it though but he didn't I just kind of disappeared downstairs and so did he and that was that. I feel a little alienated from my brother now I craved to spend some bonding times like the good old days where I'd watch him play games and help him solve puzzles it was like we were a team. I feel as I've got older I've just lost touch with everything and everyone. </font></p>
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<p><font size="2">My childhood is like a daydream now. It's so far from the modern realm I live in and I can't cope with the change. I'm so so frightened about university and I guess I was trying to claw back at some security. I didn't get it. </font></p>
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<p><font size="2">I can't bring myself to accept these big changes right now I'm so scared I seem to be MD'ing more like it's some kind of security blanket. </font></p>
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<p><font size="2">I'm scared to let go....</font></p>Optimistictag:wildminds.ning.com,2014-01-14:4661400:BlogPost:1701232014-01-14T17:26:18.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Looking back over my new years eve post and realised in actual fact it doesn't reflect in the slightest how I feel at all. It's quite embarrassing actually ><</p>
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<p>It's a sad fact that me and alcohol never mix very well. Due to having moderate anxiety issues I realise sometimes drinking can take something so minor and run with it. Anyhow I did get legless and in actual fact, after I got some air so to speak I actually had a great night. Though not such a great morning after I…</p>
<p>Looking back over my new years eve post and realised in actual fact it doesn't reflect in the slightest how I feel at all. It's quite embarrassing actually ><</p>
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<p>It's a sad fact that me and alcohol never mix very well. Due to having moderate anxiety issues I realise sometimes drinking can take something so minor and run with it. Anyhow I did get legless and in actual fact, after I got some air so to speak I actually had a great night. Though not such a great morning after I may add :P.</p>
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<p>I've realised I just have to persevere. So what if I'm not quite in with the crowd? That doesn't entitle me to 'special treatment'. The world won't have any respect for me until I start respecting myself for what makes me who I am. I've realised I've become so wrapped up in self pity I'm using it to torment myself, as well as blaming the world just because life happens. </p>
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<p>That's just it though life DOES happen. It happens to every single person in this world. No one is immune from the cuts, bruises, scars that life gives them. </p>
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<p>It's about getting up dusting yourself off and moving on. I have a lot to enjoy right now and I don't intend to squander it like I have done any more. </p>
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<p>I may be quirky but heck there are probably far more quirky people out there that would make me feel a billion times more sane and I bet a lot of them are happy being that way too :)</p>
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<p>I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a beautiful girlfriend who loves me for me and I think she is absolutely amazing I love her with all my heart. It pains me that sometimes I lose sight of her in my self pity and low moods, not any more though. 2014 won't be a year that I watch drift by.</p>
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<p>I fully intend to live it :D</p>Who can blame me?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-12-31:4661400:BlogPost:1685312013-12-31T22:12:34.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>I sit here now on new years eve watching my family unwinding and gearing up for 2014 and It feels like I'm watching a movie play out. A drab movie I'm forced to watch. A plane going down without its pilot being able to take to the controls. It's dawned on me that next year is going to be exactly like last year and this year and so on and so on no matter what aspiring resolutions I make to dramatically turn my life around.</p>
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<p>The same music I don't listen to. The same technology…</p>
<p>I sit here now on new years eve watching my family unwinding and gearing up for 2014 and It feels like I'm watching a movie play out. A drab movie I'm forced to watch. A plane going down without its pilot being able to take to the controls. It's dawned on me that next year is going to be exactly like last year and this year and so on and so on no matter what aspiring resolutions I make to dramatically turn my life around.</p>
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<p>The same music I don't listen to. The same technology I won't ever afford. The same fads and fashions I won't ever be in with. The same sub-culture fragments I won't ever be a part of. </p>
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<p>It's like this whole world speaks a totally different biological and psychological language to me. I can't ever fully immerse myself within society and cohere to those individual members that are part of it. </p>
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<p>Heck I could learn to some may argue but its not a talent that comes naturally to me I fear. </p>
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<p>Who can blame me? I'm a daydreamer because sometimes it feels like daydreams are my only source of company. The characters I become are the only way I can truly identify myself with the world. Sometimes the best experiences of my life are the ones that play out in my head. The best moments of my life are in my subconscious fantasies....</p>
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<p><span style="font-size: 13px;">A whole realm of possibility and inspiration in a whole realm of disappointment and suffering. Reality does not satisfy my cravings and my fantasies. It offers me no mental stability whatsoever like something out of this realm of possibility that is conjured up in my mind.</span></p>
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<p>I stand by the fact that maladaptive daydreaming is indeed my secret vice, an irony that to the average person I'm the one with issues... Not a world that has traded dreams and aspirations for shallow fleeting pleasure and an unfair judgement and tendency of people to seat themselves above everyone else. </p>
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<p>Some may perceive this as negativity but this is a maladaptive daydreamer at his most honest. This is how the world is through my eyes...</p>
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<p>I wish it was a world seen through my daydreams...</p>
<p> </p>Happy Christmas! :)tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-12-24:4661400:BlogPost:1674662013-12-24T23:00:00.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>An hour until Christmas and I'm on beer number....I don't even know anymore lol. Before I get too drunk I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas even though I don't know anyone yet hehe :)</p>
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<p>Hope you all have an amazing time with those that matter to you and don't daydream the day away too much! </p>
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<p>Hoping to get to know you all soon.</p>
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<p>Wolfie :D</p>
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<p>*Had to edit this because I totally jumbled up the wording. I better stop now…</p>
<p>An hour until Christmas and I'm on beer number....I don't even know anymore lol. Before I get too drunk I just wanted to wish everyone a wonderful Christmas even though I don't know anyone yet hehe :)</p>
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<p>Hope you all have an amazing time with those that matter to you and don't daydream the day away too much! </p>
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<p>Hoping to get to know you all soon.</p>
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<p>Wolfie :D</p>
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<p>*Had to edit this because I totally jumbled up the wording. I better stop now (epic fail) lol </p>MD Is my secret addictiontag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-12-24:4661400:BlogPost:1673622013-12-24T13:59:50.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>So I was kind of thinking about this last night and early this morning I don't think all that highly of myself, I never really have. I'm not negative about it or anything like I don't get all depressed. I just don't take in compliments so much they tend to go in one ear and out the other. Also, I've found I can still smile and feel happy but I'm never truly lifted without the weight of regret dragging me down. </p>
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<p>It's occurred to me when I day dream it usually revolves around me…</p>
<p>So I was kind of thinking about this last night and early this morning I don't think all that highly of myself, I never really have. I'm not negative about it or anything like I don't get all depressed. I just don't take in compliments so much they tend to go in one ear and out the other. Also, I've found I can still smile and feel happy but I'm never truly lifted without the weight of regret dragging me down. </p>
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<p>It's occurred to me when I day dream it usually revolves around me looking and feeling good/powerful. I'm charismatic and a bit of a dark and mysterious character. More importantly I don't seem to be as sensitive and as docile as I am in real life. I tend to be more aggressive. A lot of my daydreams revolve around the deepest darkest corners of my memory, stuff I'm struggling to let go of stuff I regret doing (not doing mainly). </p>
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<p>I was bullied something terrible throughout school which robbed me a lot of happiness and self esteem. I take a lot of things to heart and I regret not having a thick enough skin to deal with it. My daydreams reconstruct and tamper with those memories. Instead of taking it I stand up and fight, be it with people who physically hurt me or hurt me with words and lies.</p>
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<p>It feels disturbingly good. I feel aggression flowing through my veins, a kind of fire deep within that temporarily welds the cracks in my emotions shut. I feel reinforced rather than fragile. It's like I'm thriving off the aggression and continuously twisting my nerves until the pain goes numb and is replaced by sheer anger and motivational drive. Maybe it isn't healthy but it's my unhealthy addiction. I know it's wasting away my nerves but it feels so good feeling consumed by something other than regret. </p>
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<p>Not sure whether I can kick the habit right now....</p>On a bit of a downertag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-12-23:4661400:BlogPost:1671822013-12-23T22:31:50.000ZAaron Wolfiehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/MatthewMunday
<p>Trying to be more of a glass half full kind of guy but I can't help but feel a little despondent that my top university turned me down. It wasn't so much their decision but the reason for their decision that has upset me.</p>
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<p>I was told I had a very strong application and I had almost all of the entry requirements asked of me except my GCSE maths which was C instead of B. I was hoping so much that I stood a chance but they rejected me outright without question.</p>
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<p>It…</p>
<p>Trying to be more of a glass half full kind of guy but I can't help but feel a little despondent that my top university turned me down. It wasn't so much their decision but the reason for their decision that has upset me.</p>
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<p>I was told I had a very strong application and I had almost all of the entry requirements asked of me except my GCSE maths which was C instead of B. I was hoping so much that I stood a chance but they rejected me outright without question.</p>
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<p>It was only thanks to my secondary school (which I may add destroyed my childhood repeatedly), that continuously undermined me throughout by predicting the lowest of low grades that this has happened. I ended up far exceeding what they predicted me but they still have the last laugh it seems. They pushed me onto a foundation paper for maths because they were so scared I'd fail and make them look bad so I passed an easy test (great for them) but I could only ever get a C. I never anticipated it would hold me back and therefore have gone onto a course without taking maths into consideration. </p>
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<p>I so badly want to reach my dream of becoming a good clinical psychologist no matter what. Maybe I need to stop taking setbacks to heart but this is a bit of a blow :(. </p>
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<p>To top it all off its raining like crazy here and such severe gales too hope we don't end up without power over Christmas :(.</p>
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<p>Ah well tomorrow is another day as they say :)</p>