Jae's Posts - Wild Minds network2024-03-29T11:15:06ZJaehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Jaehttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3145261020?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=1lg2un54s35k0&xn_auth=noWhy are you smiling?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2018-03-20:4661400:BlogPost:2827972018-03-20T23:53:42.000ZJaehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Jae
<p>I was walking across a parking lot with my baby sister today. I can't quite remember what I was daydreaming about, but before I knew it, she looked over at me, held her eyebrows together, and asked, "why are you smiling?" followed by a smile for herself. She wanted in on the joke. I suddenly felt the cold air on my body, along with the snow-water and reality leaking into my shoes, before looking away and saying "I saw somebody that I knew." </p>
<p>It hurt to say that. Because I know that…</p>
<p>I was walking across a parking lot with my baby sister today. I can't quite remember what I was daydreaming about, but before I knew it, she looked over at me, held her eyebrows together, and asked, "why are you smiling?" followed by a smile for herself. She wanted in on the joke. I suddenly felt the cold air on my body, along with the snow-water and reality leaking into my shoes, before looking away and saying "I saw somebody that I knew." </p>
<p>It hurt to say that. Because I know that nobody was or had been there. </p>Relapse?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2018-03-03:4661400:BlogPost:2811112018-03-03T20:30:00.000ZJaehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Jae
<p>I made it a couple weeks without pacing. </p>
<p>I relapsed recently- but in a different way than before. </p>
<p>Usually, there was one place (my bedroom) where I could pace and daydream for hours. </p>
<p>I've been able to avoid pacing there since February 14th, but in turn, I've begun pacing in other places, like a locked bathroom or the halls of my house when everyone is gone. It feels like a relapse, although the severity of the pacing is lowered because my time is limited and can be…</p>
<p>I made it a couple weeks without pacing. </p>
<p>I relapsed recently- but in a different way than before. </p>
<p>Usually, there was one place (my bedroom) where I could pace and daydream for hours. </p>
<p>I've been able to avoid pacing there since February 14th, but in turn, I've begun pacing in other places, like a locked bathroom or the halls of my house when everyone is gone. It feels like a relapse, although the severity of the pacing is lowered because my time is limited and can be interrupted in the new places I spend daydreaming. </p>
<p>It's kind of humiliating though. I'll run a bath and pace while it fills so that my time spent in the bathroom makes more sense to others, but taking 3-4 hour baths a day isn't healthy...And what I'm doing for most of that time isn't healthy either. </p>
<p>(I'd go on more walks, but the streets are laced with ice, so it's dangerous to wander off in my head this time of year.)</p>
<p></p>
<p>It's hard. Trying to work with this is hard. </p>
<p>I don't know what to do. Here's my S.O.S, what can help? </p>"First Snow"tag:wildminds.ning.com,2018-01-22:4661400:BlogPost:2772452018-01-22T21:42:58.000ZJaehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Jae
<p>A heavy snowstorm has knocked out the schools and workforce alike, blinded the streets and shaded everything milky white. You wouldn't be able to stand outside without being touched by the sky in between blinks. </p>
<p>It had snowed before but it's not winter in my city unless it's like this. </p>
<p>A few years back I was released from class midday when the temperature hit past -27F. </p>
<p>Now it's warm and 30F, but each step in the earth feels like shallow quicksand, 'cause you fall…</p>
<p>A heavy snowstorm has knocked out the schools and workforce alike, blinded the streets and shaded everything milky white. You wouldn't be able to stand outside without being touched by the sky in between blinks. </p>
<p>It had snowed before but it's not winter in my city unless it's like this. </p>
<p>A few years back I was released from class midday when the temperature hit past -27F. </p>
<p>Now it's warm and 30F, but each step in the earth feels like shallow quicksand, 'cause you fall easily through the ground but can't stand to get back up for air when the air is just as suffocating. </p>
<p>Days like these make reality feel distant. All is still there, but any that are living close themselves off into a home. I look outside and things seem farther away from me, and it's harder to tell if they exist. </p>
<p>Sometimes my house is just as cold. </p>
<p></p>
<p>What is <i>w</i><em>eather in January</em> for you? Does it influence your daydreams? </p>
<p>Storms, snow or rain, make my time spent daydreaming longer. </p>How long can I last?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2017-12-22:4661400:BlogPost:2743612017-12-22T14:00:00.000ZJaehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Jae
<p></p>
<p>On December 21st, 2017, I didn't daydream. I wanted to see how long I could go after around four years of continuous dreaming in the day and night. It's been one day. </p>
<p></p>
<p> And I already feel scared.</p>
<p></p>
<p>I know that my MD is also a coping mechanism, but I think I've almost forgotten because it also felt like a way to express myself and to feel things that I had trouble feeling in the real world (instead of avoidance). Whenever I've tried stopping it before, I…</p>
<p></p>
<p>On December 21st, 2017, I didn't daydream. I wanted to see how long I could go after around four years of continuous dreaming in the day and night. It's been one day. </p>
<p></p>
<p> And I already feel scared.</p>
<p></p>
<p>I know that my MD is also a coping mechanism, but I think I've almost forgotten because it also felt like a way to express myself and to feel things that I had trouble feeling in the real world (instead of avoidance). Whenever I've tried stopping it before, I had this same feeling of fear. I do have social anxiety, but it's not the feeling that I have here. What's happening to me is more psychological than physical. </p>
<p></p>
<p>I think being conscious all of the time, like many people I've met here, is something that tires me. Not only in and of itself, but also because I have nothing in the real world that exists because of me. I've always tried to write, produce music, be a good friend, and go out into the world, but there isn't any physical/material thing, in reality, that makes me feel connected to this world. </p>
<p></p>
<p>I could argue that the way I think connects me to real people. I contradict myself in many ways, and when I communicate by whatever means, my train of thought isn't well delivered or easily followed. Not because I'm intelligent, but more of a disorganized and ambiguous nature, not holding on to one perspective because I'm trying to understand all of the others. With this, I try to understand people as well. <em>I try</em>. I don't think that I'm skilled enough to say I can read people. But the emphasis on the action of trying, showing that I care, is what makes me feel human, even if it's not much. </p>
<p></p>
<p>Even so, how I interact with others is still something that happens from the inside of myself. Daydreaming also happens from that same place, blurring the lines between reality and beyond.</p>
<p></p>
<p>I know that my dreams aren't real.</p>
<p>I think that the problem at hand is that <em>I don't know what makes my reality feel real. </em></p>
<p></p>
<p>Update: I stopped December 21st, 2017. By December 28th, around 7:00 pm I relapsed. </p>