Larry's Posts - Wild Minds network2024-03-28T21:59:11ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larryhttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3145245939?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=0zumacb3pdutd&xn_auth=noOdd Daytag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-09-14:4661400:BlogPost:1569302013-09-14T03:04:25.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Ever feel like you've been chasing rabbits?<br />
Ya, that's how my days going<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANNqr-vcx0&feature=youtube_gdata_player">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANNqr-vcx0&feature=youtube_gdata_player</a>
Ever feel like you've been chasing rabbits?<br />
Ya, that's how my days going<br />
<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANNqr-vcx0&feature=youtube_gdata_player">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WANNqr-vcx0&feature=youtube_gdata_player</a>Different Realitiestag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-09-10:4661400:BlogPost:1564512013-09-10T05:46:34.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Well, I'm back....I think.<br />
<br />
I've been going through a lot lately and utterly lost my ability to communicate with the world in any meaningful way.<br />
I've been daydreaming my happy little a** off for about a month now and haven't been in the mood for anything but.<br />
<br />
But, I think I've got the meds adjusted now and I've been having these little impulses to start writing again.....lucky you huh? :)<br />
<br />
I think I may have finally figured out just what the hell is wrong with me.<br />
<br />
I was so dissociated at my…
Well, I'm back....I think.<br />
<br />
I've been going through a lot lately and utterly lost my ability to communicate with the world in any meaningful way.<br />
I've been daydreaming my happy little a** off for about a month now and haven't been in the mood for anything but.<br />
<br />
But, I think I've got the meds adjusted now and I've been having these little impulses to start writing again.....lucky you huh? :)<br />
<br />
I think I may have finally figured out just what the hell is wrong with me.<br />
<br />
I was so dissociated at my last appointment with my therapist that the only thing I can remember is her telling me to read up on dissociation and let her know that which I think might apply to my situation.<br />
<br />
Sure enough, I net surfed my way to a Wikipedia page on "complex" PTSD.<br />
So much of it rang true for me and my thoroughly warped sense of reality. And the "see also" part of the page had a link to maladaptive daydreaming to boot.<br />
<br />
Hoodah thunk it?<br />
<br />
From what I've read, "complex" PTSD differs from standard PTSD in that the "complex" part in indicative of prolonged and accumulative traumas, usually experienced while the brain is still developing(childhood abuse/neglect).<br />
<br />
I've long suspected my mother is a multiple(multiple personality disorder), so it wouldn't be too assuming to think that one of her personalities simply didn't like children and refused to bond with, if not, torture me.<br />
Ya, I got mommy issues......whatever.<br />
<br />
The big thing for me was reading up on the definition of "emotional flashbacks".<br />
It was another moment like the one I had with maladaptive daydreaming.<br />
Just 15 seconds into the description and my eyes begin welling up and my shoulders sag in the relief of knowing that I'm not alone.<br />
<br />
Whats an emotional flashback like?<br />
I have them sure enough, but being able to describe them in a coherent manner is an integral part of the therapy used to deal with these issues and I just "what about Bob?-ed" my therapist about it two days ago.<br />
But since you, my dear reader, are the closest thing I have to a support network, I'll try and explain what I've learned so far.<br />
<br />
First of all, it's not a flashback in the traditional sense.<br />
There is no one memory I'm tripping balls on. Nor is it a series of them or even a picture-less storyline that can be recognized and followed.<br />
<br />
It's a subconsciously remembered feeling that hurls itself at my vulnerable and unsuspecting consciousness without warning or any know-able reason that I can find and sends me into a dazed, confused panic that triggers a dissociative episode and sends me scrambling for any distraction that happens to be handy and more than a few that aren't.<br />
<br />
I think I've been numbing these things out for so long that it hasn't occurred to me that they are emotions at all. I don't think about them. I simply react and evade.<br />
I feel compelled to go into my daydreams and obsessive modes and don't question that urge.<br />
<br />
I think that this explains, at least in part, why I wake up once every week or so feeling like a different person.....fragmented versions of myself.<br />
I'm literally experiencing realities long forgotten by my conscious mind.<br />
<br />
I've read these flashbacks are the voice of my inner child, instinctively crying out for comforts it never received.<br />
Kind of disturbs me seeing this thought on e-paper so I'll cut it off here because I'm getting all spacey and shat and don't want to have a meltdown at work.Bummedtag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-09-03:4661400:BlogPost:1559222013-09-03T04:48:45.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
It's been a while since I posted one of these.<br />
I've been battling medication changes and their gradual, inexplicable, descent into impotency.<br />
<br />
My first clue should have been the reemergence of the daydreams.<br />
I'm never quite sure if the daydreams are the saboteur or if they're simply heralding the arrival of the one responsible.<br />
<br />
It seems any psychotropic drug I take brings me up and fills me with a sense of hope and anticipation for the realization of my potential.<br />
It then, inevitably, drops me…
It's been a while since I posted one of these.<br />
I've been battling medication changes and their gradual, inexplicable, descent into impotency.<br />
<br />
My first clue should have been the reemergence of the daydreams.<br />
I'm never quite sure if the daydreams are the saboteur or if they're simply heralding the arrival of the one responsible.<br />
<br />
It seems any psychotropic drug I take brings me up and fills me with a sense of hope and anticipation for the realization of my potential.<br />
It then, inevitably, drops me like a hot turd, taking with it all my positive energy.<br />
So much for the Saphris I guess.<br />
<br />
I guess it doesn't help that I'm having to prescribe and adjust the medications myself.<br />
My therapist went out of her way to find a highly recommend psychiatrist and I'm still going through the same motions with him as I was with my general practitioner........except I'm not 600 bones in debt to my GP.<br />
<br />
I have to make the suggestions and he gives permission in the form of a drug prescription.<br />
This is all he does and collects $250 an hour for his trouble.<br />
<br />
I've tried to explain to my therapist that this is all that they, as a professional field, do. That they prescribe "general" medications for "general" symptoms. That's it. They don't want to hear all your whiny bull-excrement, they just want to hand you some pills and squeeze another patient in and out the door as fast as possible.<br />
I have to write down things I think might be relevant to him because it's very unlikely he'll ask.<br />
<br />
This is why it took 37 years and an Ozzy Osbourne song to diagnose myself with bi-polar disorder....a diagnosis that has since been concurred upon by numerous other doctors.<br />
<br />
But everyone assumes I'm a raving lunatic when I try to tell them what I've been experiencing for the better part of a decade.<br />
And these turds continue to pay for their lavish lifestyles through their parasitic usurpation of the mental healthcare system and nobody who counts will even consider it might be possible.<br />
<br />
And ya know? I'm at the point now where I don't want them to ask me about my mother.<br />
I want them to ask me if I'd "like fries with that". F**k-heads.<br />
<br />
Anyway, sorry to bum y'all out, but I really needed to get that off my chest.<br />
Thanks for reading.Electric Larry Land Foundtag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-24:4661400:BlogPost:1549472013-08-24T21:45:18.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Oh good God!..... Sweet relief at last. *sighs in surrender*<br />
<br />
I finally found that reduction in stress I've been looking for. That little distraction that might ease the massive weight of responsibility upon my shoulders.<br />
That little "something" that could make me forget life for just awhile, to rejuvenate the senses and center myself.<br />
<br />
Ya.... I was pacing circles in my garage, mumbling to myself....whatever.....<br />
It was only an hour and it worked didn't it?<br />
<br />
Ok. It wasn't the most ideal…
Oh good God!..... Sweet relief at last. *sighs in surrender*<br />
<br />
I finally found that reduction in stress I've been looking for. That little distraction that might ease the massive weight of responsibility upon my shoulders.<br />
That little "something" that could make me forget life for just awhile, to rejuvenate the senses and center myself.<br />
<br />
Ya.... I was pacing circles in my garage, mumbling to myself....whatever.....<br />
It was only an hour and it worked didn't it?<br />
<br />
Ok. It wasn't the most ideal approach to "lighten my load", but man... just to see the lights and sounds of ELL was so comforting. <br />
<br />
The place where my emotions are safe and I can express them freely without threat of retribution, humiliation, or invalidation. <br />
So relaxingly familiar, encouraging, and carefree.<br />
Just genuine feelings of connectedness and contentedness.<br />
<br />
Ya I know...a little over the top on the description of feelings, but I have had myself convinced for the last 2 weeks that I'd never see my most safest of places ever again.<br />
<br />
I won't go into detail of the daydream as I don't want to "scare it away" by exposing it.<br />
I full intend to carry it around with me wherever I go...like a security blanket for "big boys".<br />
<br />
<br />
I've been feeling fatigued and groggy all week and today was just the day.<br />
<br />
I got up feeling like doo-doo and spent the greater part of my morning playing a militant game of hide-and-seek with those nagging thoughts and impulses telling me to lay down my arms and surrender myself to the confines of my sick bed.<br />
<br />
I put up a bloody stubborn defense against them until Wifey announced she'd burned up all the gas I had to get to work with.<br />
Lovely.<br />
<br />
That was the last stand. I had fought bravely, but in the end I had lost. My sense of duty and honor were overwhelmed by the seething masses of sniveling, self-pitying thoughts.<br />
One massive anxiety spike and my whole mind went surreal....out of touch with reality. Kind of a mindless limbo that feeds on my "wholeness" and threatens to push me over the edge into depression.<br />
<br />
<br />
I called my boss in my "sorry" voice and left her a message that I was having some problems with my meds, and that when the doctors get them adjusted that all of this trouble will have been worth going through.<br />
I hung up feeling lame, and not too unlike a pansy a** dirtbag for ditching on her.<br />
<br />
I milled about the house a bit, trying to motivate myself into doing something constructive with this unexpected free time, but eventually the numbness of real exhaustion and the strange calm of dissociative perception silenced the last of these thoughts. I was done.<br />
I marched my pathetic self into my room and embraced the comfort of my bed for the next three hours.<br />
<br />
I don't think I intentionally sought out the daydream.<br />
I think it was there when I woke up.<br />
There was just something like an intuitive feeling that told me that in just a few short steps I would find myself in merry old land of ELL.<br />
<br />
I tested the recently placed medicinal defenses of my mind and watched them crumble to dust at my feet.<br />
I hurried into the house, spirits yearning, and reheated some of the morning's coffee, lined up about a pack of cigarettes on my rolling table, and left the scorching heat of my anxious world, and dove, soul naked, into the cooling waters of consuming daydream.<br />
<br />
Like I said, I spent about an hour(of sheer bliss) in there.<br />
And I think it was fear of being caught by my kids that eventually brought me out.<br />
I think I may return, if I can, before the nights' over.<br />
<br />
The Angry Samoans- Different World<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dt-o00billY&feature=youtube_gdata_player">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dt-o00billY&feature=youtube_gdata_player</a>Nothing Muchtag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-22:4661400:BlogPost:1545782013-08-22T02:02:30.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Well, just got back from the head shrinkers office.<br />
Figured out that if I make a list of the things I want to talk to her about, that I can drive home without kicking myself for forgetting things I thought important enough to tell her.<br />
I actually did forget something, but there wouldn't have been enough time to discuss it anyway.<br />
List making should be an essential skill for anyone with attentional issues.<br />
I'd still be chasing my tail if I hadn't of figured it out.<br />
<br />
I bloody zoned out again.…
Well, just got back from the head shrinkers office.<br />
Figured out that if I make a list of the things I want to talk to her about, that I can drive home without kicking myself for forgetting things I thought important enough to tell her.<br />
I actually did forget something, but there wouldn't have been enough time to discuss it anyway.<br />
List making should be an essential skill for anyone with attentional issues.<br />
I'd still be chasing my tail if I hadn't of figured it out.<br />
<br />
I bloody zoned out again. Right towards the end of the session. She started talking about the attachment issues children have growing up with an otherwise unavailable mother.<br />
My vision narrowed and I saw lighted "tracers" around everything I looked at and there was just the faintest hint of dread present and a sense of guilt for not listening intently.<br />
It required everything I had to just stay present and absorb what she was saying.<br />
Now knowing that that's not normal, I spoke up and let her know about it.<br />
Hope we can work on that.<br />
<br />
I think we agreed that I'm taking things too far too fast though.<br />
<br />
I'm cramming guided meditations and hypnotics into the gray mass for the better part of my waking hours, as well as thinking deeply of the state of my mental health, the steps needed to improve it, and pondering the potential of newly found possibilities.<br />
On top of this I'm battling my spend-happy border lion over control of the finances before she "super sales" us into homelessness, looking into a second job for the winter season, worrying about the kids' mental health and their birthdays and Christmas, worrying about an aging vehicle needing repairs, and then going to work and have my grapes roasted by "bride-zillah" for 8 hours. <br />
<br />
Ten years ago my "other" brother and I would hit the foothills, either camping, fishing, driving around, or more often than not, all three, when it would be agreed, in our silent language, that the pressure in our skulls had hit a critical mass and that it was of dire importance to be where people weren't. <br />
<br />
But this isn't "10 years ago", it's now.<br />
My other brother lost his marbles and is off living his life as a perpetual 17 year old, my truck isn't dependable enough to travel that kind of distance, and even if it were I wouldn't have the gas money or time to get up there.<br />
I'm left having to try the limits of my creative mind to find away to get some r&r.<br />
<br />
I'm probably going to have to pull myself away from the nonsense, and go hit the lake behind the office where I work.<br />
Hassling the little sunfish always brings a smile to my face. They are the perfect fish for my ADHD. They're easy to catch, numerous, and you rarely have to wait for them.<br />
And if their size matched their ferocity, no one'd be able to swim in fresh water where they lived.<br />
<br />
I used to fly fish too. Expensive stuff though. <br />
But I really enjoyed the amount of concentration needed to be proficient at it. Controlling the line, presentation of the fly in unpredictable water, all the intricate knots, and about a million other little things I won't bore you with.<br />
I was able to escape my reality while mimicking the rhythms of nature.....it had a very calming effect.<br />
It also inspired hundreds of daydreams of attunement to nature.<br />
<br />
The other idea I had that I could use at work was inspired by a recent discussion.<br />
Music.<br />
I've got a bloody iPod thingy and have yet to download any "actual" music.<br />
This new medication has allowed me to see just how powerful music is in triggering daydreams. I'm feeling the need to go back there, to the only stability I've ever known, just for a little bit....to make sure this present moment stuff and metal clarity is something I really want.<br />
<br />
Anyway,I've always had a thing for music....I come from musically inclined family.<br />
Mostly rock, all along its time line. From Elvis to Mumford and Sons. <br />
My real brother turned me on to punk. Not the yelling and screaming kind, so much as the inappropriate humor kind.<br />
I'll probably download some Dead Milkmen tunes on payday.<br />
It's funny good music and it doesn't provoke too much the DD reflex.<br />
<br />
The other option is to grab what's left of my camera and hit the trails close to home.<br />
But I won't elaborate on this as it is a blog in itself.<br />
I'll just say I really, really like taking photographs.<br />
<br />
I dunno I'll have to figure someway to distract myself.<br />
<br />
My work partner is in a much better mood today.<br />
She must've been spoken to.<br />
<br />
No joke. The next time she, or anyone else, at work gets me to the point of feeling like a demons' trying to claw his way out of my chest again, the state department of labor and industries will be getting a bill for an ambulance ride. *grumble,grumble*<br />
<br />
Actually if truth be told, I'm kind of glad she's back to her normal-goofy self.<br />
She was really fun to work with before she went out and found herself a beau and decided to get married.<br />
Hopefully she'll turn around after the wedding.<br />
<br />
Anywhoo, she's playing nice today so I guess I should be courteous enough to quit writing and actually talk to her.The "little one"tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-20:4661400:BlogPost:1543762013-08-20T01:48:11.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Man, I tell ya what. <br />
I couldn't even post the last blog I wrote out.<br />
I was so depressed I couldn't even see straight. I'm talking the whole experience of misery, sans the cravings for my favorite flavor of gun oil.<br />
I just couldn't bring myself to expose that side of me to anyone.<br />
<br />
This is the second weekend in a row that I've had the excrement kicked out of me by the meds. ( or at least I think that's what's doing it)<br />
Just horrific rapid cycles of inexplicable anxiety and depression tossing me…
Man, I tell ya what. <br />
I couldn't even post the last blog I wrote out.<br />
I was so depressed I couldn't even see straight. I'm talking the whole experience of misery, sans the cravings for my favorite flavor of gun oil.<br />
I just couldn't bring myself to expose that side of me to anyone.<br />
<br />
This is the second weekend in a row that I've had the excrement kicked out of me by the meds. ( or at least I think that's what's doing it)<br />
Just horrific rapid cycles of inexplicable anxiety and depression tossing me around like a rag doll.<br />
<br />
It think it started with my work partner's ca-ca mood and the head butt-ings that followed.<br />
I handled it above and beyond anything I had believed I was capable of, but it triggered a dissociative episode that I'm still trying to shake off. <br />
<br />
As it approached its lowest ebb, it began affecting my speech and even my sense of balance to a degree.<br />
<br />
The mornings always start out ok, though I did notice it gave me some warning signs that I'll be quick to pick up on next time (just a general feeling of not- rightedness), but as as noon begins its decent into afternoon the doo-doo starts to hit the fan.<br />
<br />
I start feeling anxious for no apparent reason, though I noticed myself rationalizing its presence.<br />
After an hour or two of trying to "suck it up" I take a sudden drop in spirits and mood. <br />
<br />
I have historically scrambled for ELL at this point.<br />
But, lo and behold; the gates to my compulsive daydreams are locked shut.<br />
I can see the sights, hear the sounds, and breath in the smells, but I can find no entry.<br />
<br />
Some folks might tell you that anti-psychotics help with daydreaming. <br />
I am one of them.<br />
It has killed the compulsion to go there, but not the impulse to look longingly at it.<br />
The mind sees the party lights on, but there's a lock on the door.<br />
<br />
Anyway, after my mood drops, I plug into my hypnotics and meditations and make at least a partial recovery.<br />
<br />
Then the cycle starts over again, but this time I'm starting to feel the physical effects of the anxiety and depression, and can't muster the energy to wrestle with it.<br />
By this time I've got a slight wobble in my walk and am losing my train of thought mid-sentence.<br />
<br />
I drug my miserable self into the bedroom, unceremoniously flopped myself onto the bed, and plugged into my "good" hypnotherapy app, and let myself sink into oblivion.<br />
<br />
I lay like this for about two hours, letting Dr. Meddows tell my subconscious to forgive itself. But as I lay there I notice that there was still a knot of anxiety churning in my chest. Then an idea came to me.<br />
<br />
I got up feeling physically numb from the deep muscle relaxation of hypnosis and feeling a lot better except for that knot in my chest.<br />
I go out to the man-cave, sit in my "Buddha" chair, and plug into a meditation on the "inner child".<br />
<br />
I had remembered my head shrinker doing an exercise where I imagined sitting down at a table with a few chairs and invited parts of myself to have a general meet-and- greet.<br />
I think I was a little confused about the whole thing until I saw a door, that I hadn't been instructed to imagine, with a version of myself at somewhere between the ages of 4 to 6 peeking out shyly and a little scared.<br />
At the time it disturbed me, being far too real, but after having a brief and evasive conversation with him I came to the conclusion(I don't remember if I told my therapist) that he was the source of my anxieties.<br />
<br />
I sat through the meditation and followed along precisely.<br />
Sure enough, when I began to visualize him, that knot of anxiety disappeared.<br />
<br />
The "little one" will now be sitting on my lap during any and all meditations and hypnotics.<br />
<br />
I don't know if this is figment of an over-active imagination, or an actual alternate personality, but there is most definitely a positive reaction when I comfort and soothe him.<br />
<br />
So anyway, I survived the weekend with just a general tiredness for my troubles and am here at work.<br />
<br />
I can see smoke funneling out of the ears of " bride-zillah" sitting next to me, so I'm bracing myself for a repeat of Friday.<br />
Gotta love spending your therapy budget trying figure out someone else's problems.<br />
<br />
I really miss the fun I had with the butt monkey underneath the dragon suit though......whatever.Feeling Oddtag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-18:4661400:BlogPost:1540982013-08-18T21:41:10.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Well, life kinda sucks after an episode like the one I had on Friday.<br />
Still kind of shook up about it.<br />
<br />
Wifey even told me that she had to wake me up in the middle of the night because I was "crying like a little kid" (not the first time it's happened). <br />
I might "literally" be a "cult of personality".<br />
Wish my therapist would crap or get off the pot on this one, its getting kind of creepy in here.<br />
<br />
It may be that my boss will have to separate my work partner and I until she cools her heels or I…
Well, life kinda sucks after an episode like the one I had on Friday.<br />
Still kind of shook up about it.<br />
<br />
Wifey even told me that she had to wake me up in the middle of the night because I was "crying like a little kid" (not the first time it's happened). <br />
I might "literally" be a "cult of personality".<br />
Wish my therapist would crap or get off the pot on this one, its getting kind of creepy in here.<br />
<br />
It may be that my boss will have to separate my work partner and I until she cools her heels or I miraculously get un-crazy. <br />
I can't afford to pay a bunch of doctors to deal with someone else's problems.<br />
I love her like a sister, but if she can't suck it up she's gotta go.<br />
<br />
It seems like I'll have a day or two where there's significant anxiety spikes followed by 3-5 hours of depression after episodes like that. <br />
I just woke up from a nap taken to avoid dealing with the latter.<br />
<br />
Started the day by thinking I was going to strangle Wifey(not literally of course). I had just finished a 30 minute grudge match with our "basic" home budget and was feeling pretty good about having dealt an unsuspecting blow to the monster, when I heard our one and only vehicle start up and leave with all the gas I had for the week with it. I didn't exactly blow a gasket but it was close.<br />
I am definitely going to have to use some of that MD "creativity" to get myself back and forth to work next week. *grumble,grumble*<br />
<br />
I dug up "old bones" (my laptop) and trotted down to the Tacoma public library in slightly renewed spirits.<br />
I should have seen the anxiety spike coming, but at the time I thought I was just having an irritable response to a recent reduction in caffeine intake (I have a love/hate relationship with coffee). <br />
Once in the library I shifted the blame to a nicotine fit, but as I packed up and left the library I began to recognize that the anxiety had me by the marbles and was wrestling me, ungracefully, to the ground.<br />
I got home and milled about while grumping and grumbling at Wifey and my sweet and snotty teenage daughter before raising the white flag and sulking off to bed. <br />
<br />
The medication helps. I don't feel things as intensely....even the anxiety.<br />
Cordellia posted about her recent outing and a link to a quiz about "highly sensitive people". <br />
I found yet another grouping of words that accurately describes my life story.<br />
Will definitely bring that to the attention of my head shrinker.<br />
<br />
Anyway, the meds have allowed me to observe, and even observe objectively, my experiences and feelings rather than simply reacting to them and scrambling down the rabbit hole with a fistful of mushrooms.(been on my Alice in Wonderland kick lately- maybe C.S. Lewis was an MDr?)<br />
<br />
The medication has also allowed me to chronicle these experiences and feelings and smear them across the screens of unsuspecting readers, which I think actually makes me feel better, despite the guilt felt for the effects on said readers. ;)<br />
I am currently teaching myself to type so I can work a little quicker at writing down my experiences with MD. Its kind of uncomfortable for me and the logic of the typing is to whip the words out before I have anytime to analyze their meaning.<br />
<br />
But equal to, or even greater than, the effect of that medication, has been the guided hypnoses I listen to on my iPod thingy.<br />
These have been an absolute Buddha-send(I'm still angry at God) and I harbor not a shred of doubt as to their effectiveness.<br />
I recommend them with all the sincerity of my being. I still find myself wondering how I ever got along without them. <br />
<br />
I cannot discount the contributions to these hypnotics by the guided meditations that I discovered and practiced before hand. They have kept me on an even keel and firmly cemented positive changes in place.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I've been thinking about borderline personality disorder a lot lately. And not just to its relation to my wife, daughter, my only friend, and that evil step-"it" I rarely acknowledge exists. But how it relates to myself...at least until I had that little episode Friday night.<br />
<br />
I really connected to the description of a "low-functioning" border lion. <br />
It seemed a pretty accurate description of my life with my real family. It would be utterly pathetic of me to say I wasn't an intolerant, self-entitled little d**che- bag, right up to the point I ended all communication with them. I cringe at the thought that I exposed them to same insanity that my wife and daughter expose me to.<br />
<br />
But there was emotional neglect and abuse present. I think I had reasonable cause to be angry.<br />
I remember a considerable amount of that anger coming from not being understood, of being lectured and scolded on the trivialities of life while I was slowly suffocating in the misery of my helplessness and hopelessness.<br />
<br />
This is what has got my therapist all higgledy-piggledy and uncertain in committing to an "official" diagnoses.<br />
Was the anger proportionate to the abuse inflicted?<br />
How did having a "likely" MPD mother affect my development?<br />
And how does my MD play out in all of this?....I'm sure it plays out significantly as it was an all consuming addiction(imagine the response you'd get from stealing a young crackhead's pipe).<br />
I thinks she's now able to devote her full attention to this now, as I was adamant about her finding out what was causing these all consuming, life-sabotaging daydreams. It took her a while to figure it out, but she did it.<br />
<br />
Borderline has overlapping symptoms with MPD and both have "defense systems" in place to evade discovery and treatment. <br />
(I am still receiving treatment however; because they also have "overlapping" treatments)<br />
<br />
The doubt I have concerning borderline is that I don't have the most obnoxious traits anymore. As I understand it, borderline doesn't "cure" itself.<br />
The aggression was aimed at a certain set of people, and when I cut those people out of my life, I no longer subjected anyone to my greater wrath.<br />
Though, there was a "hyper-sensitivity" to the small inequities and intrusions in the world around me, that would send me into hours-long rants and red-faced fits.<br />
<br />
I guess I don't really blame my folks for all of this.<br />
Just like me, they were just playing the cards they were handed and did the best they could.<br />
Mental illness and frustration got the better of them, just like it's done me.<br />
The difference is that I now have resources that weren't available to them at the time.<br />
Being a parent can really suck sometimes.<br />
And sometimes it can really blow up in your face.<br />
<br />
<br />
Anywhoo, I've been at this for longer than I care to admit and it's become evident that I'm using it as an escape, as a replacement for DDing. Guess I'm still a little upset and needing to "scramble down the rabbit hole with a fistful of mushrooms".<br />
I'm listening to another "80s" music weekend and getting a little too nostalgic. Starting to feel depressed.<br />
Guess I should hang it up for the night and hope reality'll be kinder in the morning.<br />
<br />
Addendum: major last minute morale boost! Wifey just got up and is throwing cheese-sticks and chicken wings in the deep fryer! Mmmm....artery clogging goodness. It'll eventually cure all that ails me.<br />
<br />
I suppose that if one is to look like a Sasquatch, one might as well be a "pot bellied" one. :0)What the Deuce?tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-17:4661400:BlogPost:1542032013-08-17T21:53:29.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Sleep.<br />
I think sleep will be will be the balance between ELL and the real world.<br />
I think food too. <br />
Those of us who struggle with our minds are sensitive to the things we put in our bodies. Especially the crap we tend to stuff our gullets with. <br />
<br />
But I'll focus on mastering a strict sleeping schedule first.<br />
Taking on too many projects usually results in a celebration my un- birthday with Alice and the gang.<br />
<br />
Yesterday it was my turn to have "cranky pants".<br />
I managed to keep my bull-excrement to…
Sleep.<br />
I think sleep will be will be the balance between ELL and the real world.<br />
I think food too. <br />
Those of us who struggle with our minds are sensitive to the things we put in our bodies. Especially the crap we tend to stuff our gullets with. <br />
<br />
But I'll focus on mastering a strict sleeping schedule first.<br />
Taking on too many projects usually results in a celebration my un- birthday with Alice and the gang.<br />
<br />
Yesterday it was my turn to have "cranky pants".<br />
I managed to keep my bull-excrement to myself, being acutely aware that it was a mood generated within myself and not a reaction to the poo flinging nonsense I dealt with just fine the day before.<br />
<br />
The day started out just fine, though I did force myself to abstain from further fondling of the snooze button and drug happy a** out of bed earlier than I had been.<br />
I went through my normal routine of listening to my meditations while rolling my smokes for the day and transfusing my life blood with caffeinated sin(I haven't started cutting back on the coffee just yet).<br />
<br />
Then I went to my "business" desk and tapped in the entries to the checking register from the day before.<br />
<br />
I started getting irritated with that damned budget again.<br />
<br />
That train wreck is moving slowly forward, as I devote at least 20-30 minutes of my mornings to it's organization, but it is an all consuming endeavor, seemingly endless in it's intrusions into my consciousness throughout the day.<br />
It's a daunting task finding unique, "differently abled" ways for myself, ad well as my wife, to follow and maintain a spending plan.<br />
<br />
I don't know. Maybe all this anxiety runs deeper than mere finances.<br />
I've been pondering it the last few days.<br />
<br />
It might be, that somewhere in my mind, I fear that this medication will stop performing it's miracle.<br />
That I'll be thrown back behind those insurmountable stone walls of my imagination. Trapped in a sunlit nightmare once again with no voice to cry out with.<br />
<br />
It might be that I fear the loss of my new love of writing too.<br />
<br />
Not really sure.<br />
I get my head shrunk on Wednesday, so I'll run it past her and see what she thinks.<br />
<br />
<br />
It's now Saturday morning and I have no memory of the day that I was writing about.<br />
I'm sure that if someone were to remind of what happened I'd remember it, but as of right now, it's vanished like a ghost in the night.<br />
<br />
I got into a fairly significant pissing match with my work partner.<br />
<br />
I was calm, clear headed, and communicative in a way I've never been before.<br />
I experienced just the faintest trace of self-doubt and blame and was able to see clearly the argument I was in.<br />
<br />
She is getting married on the 31rst of this month and is becoming more and more agitated as the day draws near.<br />
I was able to see, from the very beginning of passive-aggression, to the final volleys of words, that her mood swing was not a result of any I had done or said, but an existing agitation being vented upon me.<br />
I saw that it was unreasonable and unfair.<br />
And I handled it "like a boss".<br />
<br />
"Bridezillah" eventually extinguished the flames and put herself back together, but not without having scorched my peace, and broiled my nerves.<br />
<br />
Immediately after the resolution of head butt-ings, I walked around the parking lot of the building we were supposed to be cleaning, hot boxing a smoke, letting the adrenaline dissipate, and congratulating myself for having handled a situation that I historically don't handle well.<br />
<br />
The first thing I noticed was kind of a numbing film enveloping my brain.<br />
Then I noticed that I was staring at nothing in particular and kept staring at nothing in particular no matter which way I shifted my eyes.<br />
It was wholly involuntary, an automated reaction to a stimuli, that felt as if though it were a "physical" working of the brain...like switch had been tripped.<br />
When I began to notice that the area I was in "felt" as if though it were different than I had seen just 10 minutes earlier, the word "dissociate" popped into my head and the first tendrils of anxiety began creeping through my chest.<br />
<br />
And with the word "dissociate" came the thoughts that if there "are" alternate personalities camping out in my mind as my therapist has suggested, that this would be the type of experience announcing their arrival.<br />
This thought provoked a queer mixture of dread and curiosity.<br />
<br />
By the time we reached our next building the feeling had mostly faded and I called my shrinks' voice mail and told her what happened.<br />
<br />
By the time I usually post my blogs at work, I had totally forgotten the activities and experiences of the previous day I was trying to share.<br />
I. don't. like. that.<br />
<br />
Anyway, that my blog and I'm feeling loads better.<br />
I've got a ton of stuff to do today, including working on a story I'm trying to write....as kind of an experiment to feel out the frontiers of my writing abilities.Thinking of "K"tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-16:4661400:BlogPost:1539222013-08-16T02:49:59.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Was feeling odd yesterday. There were times I felt good, and well?.... times not so good.<br />
<br />
Still struggling with the budget. I mean, it's a vast improvement just to be able to say I'm struggling with a budget, but I'm still fussing and worrying myself over it.<br />
Kinda makes me gassy.<br />
<br />
My few ventures outside ELL in the dawn of my adulthood were rewarded with confusion, anxiety, and frustration, so the acquisition of money management skills were thwarted by misery and cowardice and replaced by…
Was feeling odd yesterday. There were times I felt good, and well?.... times not so good.<br />
<br />
Still struggling with the budget. I mean, it's a vast improvement just to be able to say I'm struggling with a budget, but I'm still fussing and worrying myself over it.<br />
Kinda makes me gassy.<br />
<br />
My few ventures outside ELL in the dawn of my adulthood were rewarded with confusion, anxiety, and frustration, so the acquisition of money management skills were thwarted by misery and cowardice and replaced by daydreams of self-reliant solitude in the mountains of the South Cascades range.( one of my fav. DDs in my 20's)<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm trying like hell not to beat myself stupid over it, but that in itself is challenging. It's maddeningly difficult to break ingrained habits that started as misguided coping skills acquired beyond memory.<br />
<br />
My wife does her best to sabotage my efforts. On top of having bi-polar disorder, borderline personality disorder, and some kind of anxiety disorder, she's most likely ADHD, and is also putting forth her very best effort into a shopping addiction.<br />
Getting her into see a doctor is like pulling teeth. And getting her to see a psychologist? Ya... 12 years and counting.<br />
<br />
I think most of you can imagine what a person like that'd do to a budget operating only marginally above the poverty line.<br />
I'm lucky if I have enough gas to get to work each day.<br />
And that's sad because I make enough to not have to worry about things like that.<br />
<br />
<br />
I know I grumble and groan like a butt-hurt ogre, but underneath the the mask of that snarling "border lion", lies the sweet girl I fell in love with. So I stay, I hope, and offer up my pleas of pain and mercy through my newly found pen, to whatever gods might be listening.<br />
<br />
Anyway enough of my sniveling. My work partner, who is OCD and prone to anxiety fits, had a dentist appointment yesterday, and though it was only a cleaning, I had to be alert to any "adverse" reactions in her mood.<br />
<br />
The last time she went off the deep end I followed suit, except, unlike she who sucked it up after a couple of hours, I wallowed in a quagmire of hate and depression for an entire week.(still a little peeved about that)<br />
<br />
She was on and off cranky, which I noticed made me "on and off tense".<br />
These new meds are really helping me deal with conflict and stress a little better.<br />
Though, there were those moments when I thought the anxiety would get the better of me and send me spiraling face first into the festering cow pies of my mind.<br />
<br />
She really is losing her sense of humor with me writing these blogs. I write them in transit to the our buildings and on breaks. Once or twice a night I have to hear " you're STILL on that damn thing?". Whatever. Butt monkey.<br />
<br />
At least tonight I get a break.<br />
A couple of folks decided they were going to stay home and wait out the storm( yes! It is raining in August here!), so I get to take it easy while she's busting her hump on a "hard" route *mockingly triumphant smile*<br />
<br />
I'll be hearing about it tomorrow for sure, but right now I'm content to be left alone with my thoughts and musings.<br />
<br />
My work partner and I have a strange relationship. I say it's "strange", but I've never had a "non-strange" relationship to compare it to, so I'm just guessing it's a little odd.<br />
"K" 22 years old. I am 40 years old.<br />
We look like we're father and daughter and we fight and play like we're husband and wife. Sounding a little peculiar yet?<br />
<br />
<br />
We work for a company that contracts with "Big Brother" ( the Federal government) The bulk of people working here have to have a disability of some kind to be eligible for employment. Due to the physical nature of the various jobs there are a lot of folks with psych issues. Add a few folks with prior military service and you've got one hell of a circus. Most days this circus is a jovial gathering of eccentricities. On others its a tragic comedy played out by dueling monkeys.<br />
Never a dull moment.<br />
<br />
<br />
I got in on my adhd, though the other disorders would eventually rear their ugly heads and test the resolve and patience of the company and myself. My "school days" habit of being yanked by the ear into the principals office followed me into the workforce. Ya...I got skills. :)<br />
<br />
Anyway, I met "K" when my truck broke down and needed a ride to work. I had just started and didn't really know anyone. And as a true MDr....didn't really want to know anyone.<br />
She had overheard my predicament and offered to pick me up at the college she was attending which happened to be in my neighborhood.<br />
<br />
"K" got in on the job because of her OCD and because she is easily intimidated around men.<br />
<br />
She's 5' 1", attractive, fit and young.<br />
So its only natural that she randomly offers a ride to a 6' 260lbs 40 year old hairy Sasquatch she doesn't know.<br />
Made perfect sense in her (slightly less twisted than mine) young mind.<br />
I thought "she's either really naive or she's got a pair of enormous grapes".<br />
I see myself in the mirror everyday and "I" wouldn't give me a ride.<br />
<br />
Turns out, there was some naïveté there, but mostly it was big grapes.<br />
<br />
As we got to know each other a little better(she farted first), she would listen to me vent, front me small loans when wifey would go on one of her "Walmart" binges( I always blamed myself for these binges back then) and would eventually cut me a good deal on the beat up old Dodge I'm currently driving. <br />
I felt and still feel a humble gratitude, not only for the help she gave, but for never once pointing out the she was helping someone who should have been able to take care of himself.<br />
Though, perfectly imperfect, deep down in the core of her being she really has a genuine compassion for the human spirit.<br />
She is a person I admire.<br />
<br />
She tempers this kindness though, with red faced obstinacy, an alarming intolerance towards any display of weakness or self-pity, and an occasional bout of mean spirited orneriness.<br />
Like I said.....she's perfectly imperfect.<br />
<br />
But that's my work partner. And I love her for her compassion and her butt-headedness and all her flaws.<br />
<br />
I don't know if it would be accurate to call her a "real" friend though. <br />
At work, we're closer than kin, but I've gracefully, and at times, un-gracefully, declined invitations to extend the relationship to the real world.<br />
Her fiancé( a good guy btw) and she occasionally rope me into lunch before work and I have even taken them fishing a time or two, but the mere thought of having my vulnerabilities and eccentricities laid bare before their scrutiny in the real world usually sends me scurrying to ELL with an overwhelming sense urgency.<br />
I know that probably doesn't make much sense.<br />
We spend hours taunting each other with mockingly juvenile jests and insults at work, but when the clock rings O' beer 30, something changes. I can't quite seem to understand what exactly is taking place in my mind.<br />
I'd like to think there's more to it than just the urge to be alone and daydream of better lives never lived. <br />
<br />
Maybe it is though. Maybe it's a trick of the unconscious mind or an automated defense of fragile emotions. <br />
<br />
I had no reservations whatsoever in telling "K" about the possibility of my having multiple personalities ( she had fun with that one in spite of not really understanding), but the MDD is another matter.<br />
I've told no one even remotely close to me. It's a different part of me that is fiercely defended from prying eyes. Something too close to my being to share with even the comforting darkness of the outside world. It's a naked magic that withers before the gaze of another and reveals itself for what it really is.<br />
I don't want to see it as it is. I've enough reality to deal in. I need this for mine.<br />
<br />
Yet, there's a part of me, a faint voice, in the craggy recesses of my mind, that wants to be recognized, understood, and accepted and does not know how to begin.<br />
<br />
<br />
She knows I'm not always present. She has fun with it. If I start to drift into ELL, it seems to her a personal invitation to honk the van horn.<br />
<br />
If she knew how bad it made me feel or how it embarrasses me,<br />
she'd never deign to play that particular prank again.<br />
But I'm patient with her, she is afterall, barely an adult and means no ill by it.<br />
<br />
That, and watching her squarely bested by her own giggle fit is actually worth a little discomfort.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I'm never quite sure where these blog entries will start or end. It seems to me to be ruled more by the tapping of my finger on the iPod glass than anything in particular going on in my head.<br />
The only thing I'm sure of is that the writing of them commands the whole of my attention, and like a daydream, I can wander to wherever my heart commands.<br />
<br />
Well, I'm here at my library where I usually post these things. Guess I should go and look like I'm working or something.Egos and Imagestag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-14:4661400:BlogPost:1538212013-08-14T02:59:24.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
It's been an odd and interesting past few days. New experiences and new perspectives.<br />
<br />
I received a compliment the other day and it kind of shook my world. <br />
As I told it's author, I was probably a foot or two shorter than I am now the last time I'd heard something like that.<br />
<br />
For her it may have been simply a kind gesture, or a simple observation of my potential.<br />
Something vastly disproportionate from the reaction it elicited. <br />
<br />
For me, it wasn't a simple "golly gee thanks, glad you like my…
It's been an odd and interesting past few days. New experiences and new perspectives.<br />
<br />
I received a compliment the other day and it kind of shook my world. <br />
As I told it's author, I was probably a foot or two shorter than I am now the last time I'd heard something like that.<br />
<br />
For her it may have been simply a kind gesture, or a simple observation of my potential.<br />
Something vastly disproportionate from the reaction it elicited. <br />
<br />
For me, it wasn't a simple "golly gee thanks, glad you like my work".<br />
<br />
It literally knocked the wind out my "sorry" sails and allowed me to see horizons unseen for a great many years.<br />
<br />
I stopped writing. I even signed out of my rare and cherished free Internet connection.<br />
I went outside, paced, chain smoked, and ruminated.<br />
<br />
But, this was a new experience for me.<br />
They were happy ruminations. <br />
Swirling thoughts of hope, encouragements, and childish glee that brought forth waves of happy memories I could feel but not see.<br />
They were ruminations of my potential.<br />
<br />
I've spent way too much of my life focused on simply surviving, believing that having evaded homelessness, starvation, or incarceration equaled success.<br />
Change is is long overdue and imminent in it's arrival. <br />
I am grateful for that little act of kindness.<br />
<br />
It has reminded me of a truth I learned while working with soldiers returning from combat.<br />
That a sympathetic look, or just a few words of encouragement can make a big difference in someone's life...if even for just that moment.<br />
It might be that it saves a life altogether, such as the possibility was in dealing with returning soldiers struggling to comprehend the violence they had experienced overseas.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I went home that night exhausted, a little bewildered, but with a "sneak-thief" grin on my face. :)<br />
I thank the author again.<br />
<br />
The other experience I had actually happened before these revels and revelations.<br />
<br />
I had drug my less than gracefully aging laptop to the library last weekend to upload some of my images.<br />
I was kind of excited to share them as they are MDD inspired and might be better understood.<br />
The images are not of "ELL"(electric Larry land), but of the real world as seen through its tarnished glass.<br />
The colors faded to monochrome against the brilliant colors of my daydreams, the eerily beautiful world too frightening and lonely to experience with my own eyes.<br />
....or they're random shots I photoshopped the crap out of......whatever.<br />
<br />
Anyway I get home after posting these images and start digging through the hundreds of other images I made while in a like mind and......I hate Border Lions.<br />
<br />
My loving daughter deemed it necessary to delete all but a handful the images in an attempt to speed up the computer so she could "Facebook" her friends... about what? Gossip and fingernail polish? It was a heart breaking shot to the jewels. Thoughtless and mean.<br />
So many of my private thoughts, so many secret feelings and longings to reach out to the world.<br />
All gone.<br />
<br />
I was angry. But the temper was in check so I managed not to make a complete a** of myself, though there was a little barnyard braying involved.<br />
<br />
Both my daughter and my wife are Border Lions. And each would test this new emotional reserve with the very best their disorder has to offer.<br />
<br />
They came into my man cave(my personal space and garage), each in their turn, my wife in defense of her daughter, to scream denials, absurdly nonsensical excuses and even more absurdly nonsensical accusations.<br />
Each worked tirelessly to invalidate my feelings. My hurt, my loss.<br />
<br />
I don't hate them. The can't make me do that to myself. If anyone would ask, they are dear to my heart and the pillars in which I stand. I will I love them with all my being.<br />
No, not this time. I'm not going to enveloped into their web of spiteful lunacy.<br />
<br />
If there is anyone out there reading this, thinking that lowering ones standards in matters of the heart is an attractive alternative to loneliness please remember this story.<br />
<br />
The band "Three Dog Night" sang: ".....two can be as bad as one, it's the loneliest number since the number one....."<br />
<br />
Anywhoo, as can be seen, that little aforementioned moral boost came unexpectedly when I needed it the most. I made a profound difference.<br />
<br />
It appears that the little "butt monkey" that I have the privilege to work along side has slipped into a pair of " cranky pants" while I've been writing this, so even though I've got a lot more to say, I'll cut it off here before she whacks me a good one. :)Learning Curvetag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-12:4661400:BlogPost:1535042013-08-12T00:40:49.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Screwed up again. Surprised? *cheesy grin*<br />
<br />
You'd think with my last experience that something'd have penetrated through the vast thicknesses of my skull.<br />
But nooo, I'm apparently honing my masochism skills for the Darwin Awards. <br />
Thought I'd continue with the same old routines without thinking of potential consequences.<br />
The Saphris has been making me sleep.....hard. Just the tiniest bit of deductive reasoning applied to the situation could have avoided all of this self-depreciating…
Screwed up again. Surprised? *cheesy grin*<br />
<br />
You'd think with my last experience that something'd have penetrated through the vast thicknesses of my skull.<br />
But nooo, I'm apparently honing my masochism skills for the Darwin Awards. <br />
Thought I'd continue with the same old routines without thinking of potential consequences.<br />
The Saphris has been making me sleep.....hard. Just the tiniest bit of deductive reasoning applied to the situation could have avoided all of this self-depreciating intellection and the confusing state of mind that would follow.<br />
<br />
But I guess that, in defense of my cognitive shortcomings, there was a fairly spectacular thunderstorm that night and we don't get too many of those 'round these parts. It might very well be reasoned that I was verily stupefied by all the pretty lights. :)<br />
<br />
I got home Friday night and was thinking I'd be able to stay up for a bit and relax and then sleep in a little the next morning.<br />
<br />
Nooope! Didn't work out that way.<br />
<br />
I finished up writing the last blog I posted first off and then tore into the last of the ice cream while I watched the movie "Project X". Kick butt movie if ya ain't never seen it. My DD characters never age beyond 25 years old or so, so the flick understandably appealed to me.<br />
The movie and sugar spike provoked a DD urge, but I held fast. At this point I genuinely believed I had the bull by the jewels and threw caution to the wind. Which for me, usually produces the same result as peeing in that direction. I got skills.<br />
<br />
I swiped my wife's phone from under her sleeping arm and did a lil' 'net surfing and researched some of the things that've been catching my interest lately. I've had limited access to the phone since they cut the cable, so that poor little phone has to operate as the primary source of entertainment and social interaction for three other people before it makes it way to me. It's a rare and cherished moment when I can play with it.<br />
<br />
Took my last pill(Saphris) and screwed around 'til it started putting the hurt on my motor skills.<br />
Finally drug myself to bed 'round 3:30 AM(I work nights so it's not as unusual as it seems).<br />
<br />
Woke up around 2:30 PM( ok, that "is" unusual as it seems) feeling punch drunk and acidly exhausted. <br />
Death warmed over, propped up in a corner, and wearing a festive party hat. ugh.<br />
<br />
Sweet talked( grunted and mimed) my daughter into making a pot of coffee for me. She did so without the usual eye rolling and sighs of disgust(she's 13) and I proceeded to nurse my "sleep" hangover with the utmost delicacy. In this state, too many stimulants too fast, will send me into a chest convulsing panic. Horribly un-cool when while your still half asleep.<br />
<br />
Immediately, when that part of my brain began to function, I started obsessing over my blog and some of my "manic drepressive" photographs that I'd wanted to post as well as googling a whole list of things I hadn't got to the night before.<br />
<br />
Un-showered and unshaven I crammed what is left of the laptop I acquired early in 2005 into my backpack and stumbled out the door, gagging down ADHD and Anxiety meds together(never tried this before.....seemed to work ok). Totally skipped over my morning chores and meditation.<br />
<br />
I invited my daughter to come along with me to the library as a reward for not being a total a** hat when I asked her to make my coffee.<br />
<br />
My loving wife, and I suspect, my sweet daughter too, are "Border Lions" (Borderline Personality Disorder). Simply put: they are emotional train wrecks and notorious for their vicious "roaring" rages. Hence; the name "Border Lion".<br />
If you are familiar with these type of folk then you understand the obstacles I face in making positive changes to myself, my life, and why I subconsciously prefer my DDs to real life. I'm surrounded by some very frightening people.<br />
<br />
Anyway, as we were hoofing it to the library, I decided this was a good time to talk to my daughter about her problems and let her know that I love and care about her.<br />
This is a new development in me, at least since getting back on the ADHD meds. Until just a few months ago "emotionally unavailable" was a fairly accurate description of all my relationships for the last 40 years.<br />
If my wife hadn't been so occupied stacking sweet nothings in front the skeletons in her closet, she'd have never agreed to marry me.<br />
<br />
So, I didn't get but half way through my first sentence before she had tears streaming down her cheeks.<br />
I tried to do everything I've learned about in dealing with Border Lions.<br />
I tried to validate her emotions while respectfully disagreeing with some of her rather warped perceptions. ( a rash on a Border Lion's butt is a perfectly valid excuse for irritability as it is for homicide)<br />
Think I did pretty good. She kept her cool and I wasn't afraid of being pushed over the overpass when we crossed it.<br />
Plus I got her to agree to looking objectively and noticing her mind and body once day (mindfulness).<br />
Not much, but it's a start.<br />
<br />
I guess I needed to share that little 15 minute episode because it's so new to me and I'm still unsure of myself.<br />
My "other" Dad was told by a VA psychologist that healing doesn't really begin until the problems are verbalized.<br />
This is the first thing I thought of as I began grasping the concept of blogging.<br />
<br />
Anywhoo, I'll have to tackle the problems of family and in-laws at a later date. They're confusing, odd, shocking, and a few of them ended up the Jerry Springer Show. (not joking).<br />
<br />
We goofed around at the library, and what is meant by that, is that my daughter goofed around while I was hyper-focused on reading blogs, following links, and making a general nuisance of myself to those poor librarians.<br />
<br />
The word "mania" popped into my head at some point in all of this. I ignored it and didn't let it bother me.<br />
<br />
About 5:30 my daughter began sighing loudly and fidgeting about the table, which is"teenager-ese" for "it's time to go".<br />
So I packed up the old dinosaur of a laptop and headed home while my daughter rattled incessantly in my ear.<br />
Haven't a bloody clue what she said as I was still focused on all the things that I wanted see and do online.<br />
<br />
About half way home, I kinda got a feeling like I was heading for a crash. <br />
It then became vitally important to get to McDonalds and to their free wifi.<br />
If I just keep going then I can't crash. That's the way it works right?<br />
<br />
Well, I get home and the wife is awake(she has a bi-polar sleep schedule) and demands my debit card and then promptly disappears.<br />
<br />
Well hell, now I'm screwed ain't I?<br />
<br />
I calm myself, as I'm not as worked up as I would normally be, so it's not too difficult. This is a new ability and I find it reassuring.<br />
Crisis averted.<br />
<br />
Like a well oiled machine I switched gears and began updating and reorganizing my budget.<br />
I did so obsessively, but without anxiety.<br />
<br />
I'm about an hour into this project when I start feeling like I should poke my mind out of its shell and see what's actually going on with me.<br />
<br />
Just sort of a feeling told me to wrap up what I was doing and move on to something else. I think it was half fear of relapse into my previous states and half curiosity about my recently broadened frontiers.<br />
<br />
Again, like a well oiled machine, slick <br />
as grease, I decided what I was going to do and bore my full attention down on it.<br />
<br />
I cleaned up my man cave. <br />
Got my new "Buddha" chair(meditation chair) arranged and my radio plugged back in.<br />
Again, I did so obsessively and some small feeling like guilt, like I shouldn't be doing what I'm doing while in the state of mind I'm in. It was small but persistent.<br />
<br />
Once again I get this gut feeling that the obsession will overtake me and I should wrap it up and be happy with the progress I managed to make.<br />
<br />
So I stop, sit back in my chair, and turn the radio on and find a station that's having an all 80's music weekend. This kind of music is a serious DD trigger but I figure I'll just go with it. And I start pacing about my newly cleaned man cave, pecking out this blog on my iPod, and "Wang Chung-ing" my happy little a** off. <br />
<br />
Looking back on the day, I think meditation is second only to breathing, that weekends are going to make me gassy( stress me out), and thatI've got to stick to a strict sleeping schedule.<br />
I also forgot to get my meds refilled and totally spaced a promise to myself to do a little fishing.<br />
I believe, whole heatedly, that if I can harness this thing I'll be able to accomplish things I never thought myself capable of.<br />
It's almost hard to believe that some day in the near future I'll have an unlimited supply of whoop-a** that I can open up in any direction I choose.<br />
I'm nervous but hopeful in this new direction I'm heading in.<br />
Who'd uh thunk it?<br />
<br />
I'm kind of excited in a reserved, cautious kinda way.<br />
<br />
Well, it's Sunday morning I'm feeling tons better and have got a whole lot of things to do. Enjoy the rest of your weekend.<br />
<br />
Ya know, just a few weeks ago if you'd asked me what I had done today I'd've said "ehh nuthin much". :)Earliest Memoriestag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-11:4661400:BlogPost:1533192013-08-11T00:09:04.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
I think it started with a parrot.<br />
In my minds eye I can see that parrot, or at least what I think is a parrot...might have been a Cockatoo or some other domesticated bird.<br />
<br />
I was about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. I lay in my bed at the Highlands St. house.<br />
It was dark outside and for some reason there wasn't any curtains on my window. I think we had just moved there. I had woke up for some reason...I don't know why.<br />
<br />
I look out that window and there is a bird....somebodies lost parrot my Dad would…
I think it started with a parrot.<br />
In my minds eye I can see that parrot, or at least what I think is a parrot...might have been a Cockatoo or some other domesticated bird.<br />
<br />
I was about 2 1/2 to 3 years old. I lay in my bed at the Highlands St. house.<br />
It was dark outside and for some reason there wasn't any curtains on my window. I think we had just moved there. I had woke up for some reason...I don't know why.<br />
<br />
I look out that window and there is a bird....somebodies lost parrot my Dad would tell me later....just sitting there staring at me from the bricks of the chimney.<br />
I lay there motionless but curious at first. It looks away a few times but brings it's stare right back to me. I remember very little detail of the bird. Mostly its stare.<br />
<br />
I think I remember the terror spreading slowly. I yelped for my father, might have yelped for my mother, but my Dad came in. I was in a panic, but too young to know how to fight or flee.<br />
<br />
I don't remember so well how the conversation went. I want to say that his tone was intolerant, but my memory might be jaded from all the chaos of my teen years.<br />
<br />
Anyway, like I had mentioned, he said it was probably someone's lost parrot and then hung a blanket over the window. I think he tried soothing me and telling me it was all right. I would whimper myself to sleep.<br />
I have virtually no memory of my mother at this time. She wouldn't show up in my memories until the D St. house. <br />
She was probably busy with my younger brother at the time. He would just be being born then.<br />
I vaguely remember sharing a room with him there.<br />
But memories are funny things. Just as I was writing this it occurred to me that there would be no sensical reason for there to be a chimney adjacent to my bedroom window.<br />
I don't know....maybe it was a dream.<br />
<br />
The final memory from this house still affects me to this day.<br />
At different points in my life I've tried to explain it away as an omen or sometimes a dream. And more recently, a trauma induced hallucination or maybe some kind of dissociative episode.<br />
Maybe it was all of them. I don't think I'll ever know.<br />
<br />
I was about the same age and in the same room. This may have even been before the "parrot incident".<br />
It was dark and again I was awake for reasons I can't remember.<br />
<br />
I was staring at the ceiling, up at the round light cover.<br />
There were these things flying around it. Maybe five or six of them.<br />
Angels, I would reason when I remember my first impression of them.<br />
They were heads. They had hair or some kind of material gently floating behind them as they swirled and looped around the light cover....almost smoke like, but decidedly solid.<br />
They were mostly in monochrome....various shades of grey. If there was any color it was faded and faint.<br />
I think they were whispering my name. I don't think they made any other sound but that slightly disturbing whispering.<br />
<br />
At first I couldn't see their faces and found them to be a curiously peaceful presence. I was thoroughly entranced....they were beautiful and wondrous beings. Eerily graceful in their weightless flight. Something I'd never seen before and could not comprehend.<br />
But there was a physical response....a tensing as I analyzed the situation in my young inexperienced little mind. I think my body was preparing me to be scared while I was entranced in curiosity.<br />
<br />
But then I began seeing their faces.<br />
<br />
Their faces were wretched. Contorted, wrinkled, ghostly faces with facial expressions that ranged from malevolent to aloof. They seemed to take turns staring at me while they whispered my name and swirled and maneuvered above me in graceful horror.<br />
<br />
I was utterly horrified. Utterly frozen with terror. I could not move, not a single muscle. If felt the unmoving weight of my body, tingling with adrenaline. I couldn't even blink. I could not speak. I could not scream. Mortified. Frozen in place with my racing, panicked thoughts.<br />
All I could do was watch and wish really really hard that my Dad would come in and make them go away. I really just wanted my Dad. I just wanted them to go away. I hadn't misbehaved, why was this happening me?<br />
<br />
I don't remember how long this went on but I do remember, just before sleep over took me, that I was desperately trying to hold on to that first impression that they might be peaceful and that would make them let me be.<br />
That if I wished hard enough that none of this was actually happening.<br />
<br />
I've never told this story to anyone.<br />
<br />
I think I feel comfortable telling it to all of you because you're coming from the assumption that I'm already a whack job before you even read this.<br />
<br />
Like I've said, I've tried to reason this away. It has been frustrating for me as I like to think that I'm a highly logical person. None of this makes sense in a highly logical world.<br />
<br />
I have always, in the back of my mind, entertained the thought that this was a declaration of possession. A malevolent spirit announcing his presence.<br />
The decimation of my potential and a cursed sickness left in its place.<br />
<br />
I believe I found its festering remains in the words "Maladaptive Daydreaming".<br />
<br />
I think those "ugly angels" foretold my future.<br />
The curious peace of the DD's. The anguish and anxiety of the truth of DD's. And the final prayer for mercy from the DD's.<br />
<br />
<br />
I don't know. Maybe I'm being a little melodramatic. After all it could have been a dream. It could have been a DD. I'm not really sure.<br />
<br />
I would like to believe it was all a bad dream.<br />
But I've seen them. Sometime in the first decade of 2000. My wife was watching some goof a** horror movie. And there they were on my TV screen. Exactly as I'd remembered them...<br />
Somebody else had seen them too, breathed digital life into their grotesque forms, and put them on the silver screen. To share with the whole world "our" nightmare.<br />
I don't remember the name of the movie. I might have dissociated when I saw them. I think I was disturbed when I saw them. Maybe there's a part of me that doesn't want to remember the name of the movie, so I don't have to see them again.<br />
So that I don't have to relive the experience with renewed vividness.<br />
<br />
When the misery of my pathetic being reaches a certain point in the course of life's events, I always think of them and the tattered ruins of my life and what might have been.<br />
<br />
These are the most significant of my early memories. <br />
I have others, like running from my Dad and having the bright idea to jump to the top shelf of the closet while screaming "I did it on purpose" because I couldn't pronounce "accident" and getting my a** beat twice as hard for my troubles after I learned the physical impossibility of my plan and got caught.<br />
<br />
Believe it or not, these early memories are the least disturbing of all that I posses. The fit hits the shan when we move to the D St. house.<br />
I'm probably going to hold off on the other memories until I can address them in therapy.<br />
Freaking out and losing my job isn't on my to do list. :)<br />
<br />
In real life this the point where I pass a little gas with a straight face and change the subject.<br />
But this isn't real life, it's a blog.<br />
So I'll just pass a little gas and stop typing. ;)<br />
<br />
Thanks for reading.Messed up on the Medstag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-10:4661400:BlogPost:1531562013-08-10T03:34:12.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Woke up this morning after an hour long love affair with the snooze button feeling like I had been run over by a cement truck.<br />
And since I've actually been run over by a cement truck I can assure you that it's identical....sans the swollen leg.<br />
<br />
Think it started yesterday morning.<br />
I forgot to take my anxiety meds first thing and started my gluttony of coffee consumption without them.<br />
I was too excited about getting to the library and checking my posts and email.( I don't have Internet at…
Woke up this morning after an hour long love affair with the snooze button feeling like I had been run over by a cement truck.<br />
And since I've actually been run over by a cement truck I can assure you that it's identical....sans the swollen leg.<br />
<br />
Think it started yesterday morning.<br />
I forgot to take my anxiety meds first thing and started my gluttony of coffee consumption without them.<br />
I was too excited about getting to the library and checking my posts and email.( I don't have Internet at home)<br />
And, as the intellect my father has always accused me of being, I doubled up on the next dose and took them with food.(supposed to take'm without)<br />
The result was a gradual tensing throughout the day.<br />
<br />
I'm coming to the conclusion that this blogging thing is becoming an obsession.<br />
I've noticed that I'm doing other things with less and less enthusiasm and trying to rush through them. But man, I was 11 years old the last time I could write this freely.<br />
It feels good.<br />
And if this continues, and it's not another incantation of it, I can see this possibly replacing my daydreaming.<br />
Wouldn't that be just peachy?<br />
And if I could harness it, or rather temper it to fit the rest of my life, what possibilities might there be?<br />
<br />
So anyway, about the time I posted my last blog the anxiety had eaten through what was left of my good mood.<br />
<br />
Enter angry ruminations.<br />
Actually, they started out as "irritable " ruminations to start, and then got angry.<br />
The good thing though, was that I never lost control of them....meaning there was no physical pain associated with them. Although I did notice a tensing in my neck and shoulders.<br />
<br />
On my way to my last building(I'm at work for all of this) I'm starting to feel really depressed.<br />
When I get out of the van, I feel really short.<br />
Even though everything around me is the same size, I just feel like my body had shrunk. <br />
So I try and shake it off and smoke my cigarette. <br />
I then find myself staring at the brick entrance to the building(a church) I have to clean and notice it looks like a miniature...like a doll house I thought at the time.<br />
I flicked the cherry off my smoke and went inside to vacuum. It's kind of hard to explain the feeling. Like acidic or acid....only numbed.<br />
<br />
This the miracle of the medication.<br />
I've tried to explain to my therapist my true lack of self awareness.<br />
I want her to understand that if I'm not DDing, then I'm frantically looking for a way "to" do it. Everything else, including my own body, are just inconsequential interruptions.<br />
<br />
The meds have allowed me to become at least partially self aware and now I'm able to describe in words what is wrong with me.<br />
This derealization/depersonalization, or what ever the hell it is is a familiar feeling. I've had before and throughout my life.<br />
I've just never been able to describe it before.<br />
<br />
Anyway, back to today.<br />
As I've mentioned had pretty rough start to the morning.<br />
Chugged down the reheated remains of yesterday's coffee and went through the motions of my morning chores.<br />
"My" (parenthesis for Rashomon Effect....lol!) wife snuck in, sometime during my afore mentioned love affair, and swiped my cash card from my wallet and proceeded to wipe her bum with the budget I've been trying so hard to put together.<br />
When she came back with most, but not all the receipts, I half heartedly recorded about half of those into my budget app before I gave up and went out to wander around in the back yard to ruminate and ponder my experiences over the last week or so.<br />
Did this for about 40 minutes and then sat down on the bench outside and started pecking out a piece I've been working on about my earliest memories.<br />
Forced myself to take a shower(really didn't want to- I'd rather ruminate and write) and got ready for work.<br />
<br />
So here I am at work, chain smoking and waiting for soldiers to clear out of the building I'm going clean.<br />
Love those soldiers.....the bureaucrats? .....not so much.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I usually listen to this motivational speaker/ hypnotist I found on iTunes when I vacuum to try and prevent myself from DDing, but I've kinda been feeling like I should give my self-awareness "vigil" a rest and begin experimenting with this new found clarity and start probing my boundaries.<br />
<br />
So, today I'm listening to my Cato Institute podcasts( I am fiercely libertarian) while I vacuum.<br />
Under normal circumstances, the combination of politics and the white noise from the vacuum all but guarantied a luxury first class trip into Electric Larry Land.<br />
But today's different. No spacing out, just increased ruminations that might have there anyway. I also noticed that when I hear something I don't like, I don't feel it physically.<br />
No beer can tirades from me, thank you very much! <br />
<br />
So the lesson for today is that I shouldn't f*** with my meds! :)<br />
<br />
Well, it's my lunch time and I'm here at the library and feeling a lot better than I did yesterday, so I should post this and go find other things to do with my time.Mindless Babbletag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-09:4661400:BlogPost:1531152013-08-09T01:24:59.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Woke up today feeling like a bloody million bucks. <br />
All positive thoughts about what the day will bring and all the things I'll be doing in it.<br />
Thinking about how great my new meds are and all the possibilities it's opened up for me.<br />
<br />
After my second cup of coffee it starting raining on my parade a little bit, but not by much.<br />
I still feel pretty good and all, but I just don't have all that sunshine and rainbows shooting out my backside.<br />
<br />
But, the message was clear.<br />
I gotta cut back or…
Woke up today feeling like a bloody million bucks. <br />
All positive thoughts about what the day will bring and all the things I'll be doing in it.<br />
Thinking about how great my new meds are and all the possibilities it's opened up for me.<br />
<br />
After my second cup of coffee it starting raining on my parade a little bit, but not by much.<br />
I still feel pretty good and all, but I just don't have all that sunshine and rainbows shooting out my backside.<br />
<br />
But, the message was clear.<br />
I gotta cut back or eliminate my coffee intake.<br />
Just the thought of it breaks my heart. And not the kind of heartbreak a 40 year old man experiences when he gives up a cherished, but bad habit, but the heartbreak a little school girl experiences when her one and only crush breaks up with her.<br />
<br />
Ya, I'm a dork.....whatever.<br />
<br />
It should be understood that coffee was my ADHD medication before I had ADHD medication. It was my ADHD medication before I even knew I had ADHD.<br />
Actually I had ADD. The kind most common in girls. That was a shot to the 'ole self esteem.<br />
<br />
Anyway,coffee also allowed me to focus and go deeper into my DDs.<br />
I tell you what, mix the right amount of coffee and cigarettes I'd go in so deep it would hours before I recognized I was experiencing tunnel vision and what I now believe to be "derealization".<br />
And God help the poor soul who interrupted me while I was like that.<br />
I'd jump 2 feet off the ground, body jerking, arms flailing, and then fly into a rage and throw whatever happened to be handy at the time at whoever it was.<br />
Shortly after I'd check my shorts to make sure I hadn't soiled them and try to calm the nerves, nausea, and convulsive shaking.<br />
This could take an hour or so, and even longer to calm the angry ruminations.<br />
And no, I never soiled myself. :)<br />
Just the turn of a doorknob could ruin my week...but good God those intense DDs were worth it!<br />
<br />
Well, enough of me sniveling about my coffee habit and reminiscing about my psychotic behavior.<br />
<br />
I spent most of yesterday in ruminations.<br />
They weren't intense but they were fairly constant throughout the day. I think that maybe the lack of physical consequences(anxiety) has fueled them.<br />
Mostly I was thinking about what I'd like to write in my blog and trying to imagine people's reaction to them.<br />
<br />
I'm thinking that because at least half of them made into my iPod journal(where I actually write these) that maybe some of those ruminations count as musings?<br />
I didn't really lose touch with the present moment too often and I was able to bring my focus to bear on issues at work without the usual discomforts.<br />
<br />
This Saphris has brought me to a place I've never been before.<br />
I'm still struggling to define exactly how I feel.<br />
I guess for now the best way to explain it is "less intense".<br />
I'm still able to do the routines I established when I recently started back up on my ADHD meds....they just seem a little easier to do and I transition between then a little smoother.<br />
I still ruminate, and though they're more frequent, they're less intense.<br />
The big thing is my MD. I don't really worry about whether I can do it or not.<br />
I know it's there and am comforted by knowing it's there.<br />
I believe the meds have given me the freedom of choice.<br />
If I don't want to, I don't have to.<br />
<br />
But this is just day 3. Who knows? Maybe I'll be in a padded cell by Monday. Ooh.... Wouldn't that be nice. No external stressors to interrupt my DDs. :)<br />
<br />
The one effect that I would really really like to hang onto is this bout of "Chatty Kathy-ness" I'm having. I've never been able to write like this so effortlessly. A blog of this size would've taken me 6 hours to do just a few weeks ago. <br />
And now here I am writing in bits and pieces throughout the day and making ya'lls eyes water and cross. <br />
I still have emails I've sent that took me 10 hours to write.<br />
<br />
I used to love writing when I was younger. Especially in the the sixth grade.<br />
There was an over weight kid(probably Aspergers too now that I look back on it) that I would write mockingly funny stories about and secretly pass around to the other students in class.<br />
So many of them would laugh out loud and get themselves in trouble that eventually I started getting into trouble too for writing them.<br />
So it was discouraged. And that marked the beginning of my venting and rebelliousness.<br />
The next year would be Jr. High school and I would never see any of my creative side for a very long time.<br />
Ya see back then, in the early to mid 80's in it wasn't called ADHD.<br />
It was called a**hole.<br />
I had my "eggs" busted at every turn whether I needed them busted or not.<br />
My creativity and natural curiosity were systematically hounded out of me. God bless public schools.<br />
<br />
I really think I'd be dangerous with an actual computer. As I've mentioned I peck these things out on my little iPod thingy.<br />
I have privacy issues with the wife. She is Bi-Polar and and vicious mean Border Lion(Borderline Personality Disorder).<br />
She is always looking for something to rub my nose in, so I've had to resort to putting a code lock on my iPod.<br />
I actually have an old beat up lap top, but it's kind of embarrassing to haul it around in public.<br />
Might take it to the library this week end and upload some of the photos from the odd kind photography I used to do.<br />
So I think I'll cut off here. My photography had a lot to do with my MD but also my depression so I'll address that at a later date.<br />
<br />
Anyway, its nearly lunch time... The time I usually post these things.<br />
I'm noticing that I'm starting to make mistakes and forgetting things while I work.<br />
So I'm probably going to have to ease up on the posts for a little while so I can reset my "auto pilot".<br />
That and my partner is making it known that I'm not paying enough attention to her.<br />
Kids now days... I'll tell you. :)<br />
<br />
Thanks and sorry if you actually made it far enough to read this.Saphris Day 2tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-08:4661400:BlogPost:1527972013-08-08T01:47:01.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Doing pretty good on the Saphris I think. The anxiety is numbed and I haven't noticed any negative self talk.<br />
I am also spending more time in the present..... I think<br />
It could be that these have always been and I'm just now noticing them.<br />
I guess I'm not too sure about anything right now, but I still have that sense of hope I left Seattle with.<br />
<br />
I don't think the Saphris is going to cure my MD.<br />
I'm ruminating a lot more (I think), and though the anxiety associated with them is less intense,…
Doing pretty good on the Saphris I think. The anxiety is numbed and I haven't noticed any negative self talk.<br />
I am also spending more time in the present..... I think<br />
It could be that these have always been and I'm just now noticing them.<br />
I guess I'm not too sure about anything right now, but I still have that sense of hope I left Seattle with.<br />
<br />
I don't think the Saphris is going to cure my MD.<br />
I'm ruminating a lot more (I think), and though the anxiety associated with them is less intense, they are still there.<br />
And if they're there, Electric Larry Land is there.<br />
A part of me is relieved, but a part of me is apprehensive about the consequences of it's continued existence.<br />
Doing pretty good otherwise and trying to take advantage of these positive changes.<br />
<br />
Went to my therapy appointment this morning. I've been doing battle with that giant "Charlie Foxtrot" I call my finances and haven't been able to see her regularly for the past couple of months.<br />
So we spent the hour playing "catch up".<br />
I explained the new drug to her as well as babbling incoherently about what effect it was having.<br />
I also talked to her about some of the dissociative symptoms that I had recently become aware of.<br />
This is the point that I noticed another improvement.<br />
There is a space between my thoughts and the anxiety reaction just long enough to blurt out what I want to say, but not long enough for me to over think it and decide to remain silent.<br />
<br />
Somehow we got into a conversation about my mother and some of her dissociative symptoms.<br />
Without hesitation and without the "don't say that" thoughts warning me to be silent, I told her about an incident that I remembered where she had gotten into her car one day and immediately burst into tears because she had forgotten how to drive.<br />
She had been driving for a little less than a decade when this happened.<br />
She was so shook up my father had to come and pick her up.<br />
<br />
My usually cautious therapist blurted out " that's multiple personality".<br />
I've been reading up on DID and MPD and have come to the conclusion that the emotional neglect and abuse started far earlier and was much worse than I had imagined. I'm seeing a lot of it in myself too.<br />
I've also pondered the consequences of having never had a healthy relationship to compare to my current dysfunctional interactions.<br />
<br />
Then she asked me what issues I thought we should work on.<br />
I mentioned my issues feeling and dealing with emotions.<br />
I remember sometime in the middle of the conversation looking directly at her while simultaneously noticing how the light played on the yellow wall behind her and thinking about grief.<br />
Next thing I remember is her saying something about emotions being on a bookshelf or something.<br />
This has happened before in her office and throughout my life. I zone out and though I hear someone talking, absolutely nothing is retained.<br />
Usually I keep these kind of things to myself...receiving thoughts that warn me that I shouldn't say anything.<br />
This time was different. I stopped her mid sentence and said "wait...something just happened".<br />
I told her I had just zoned out. By this time the "warning thoughts" had caught up and I withheld the fact that I hadn't heard a bloody thing she'd said.<br />
I don't remember too much until it was time to schedule the next appointment.<br />
My mind was somewhere in-between the present moment and Electric Larry Land. A kind of conscious limbo I think.<br />
I'm not sure but I think that it was dissociative episode of some kind.<br />
Everything was real(ish) but I just wasn't there.<br />
<br />
So yes indeed, I am nuttier than a squirrel turd. whatever<br />
<br />
I've been thinking lately about how I present myself here on this board. I had a question on my last blog that triggered this. It never really occurred to me that some 5'1" ornery girl you know well might not be referred to with a childish nick name......such as "butt monkey".<br />
<br />
The face ya'll see here is my pain filled and vulnerable face.<br />
I have many faces.<br />
I rely on my size and appearance for my "don't tread on me face". My "general purpose" face is a caring and compassionate adult. My "stranger" face is the is one of harmlessness and shyness.<br />
My "work" face is a hard working eccentric with a doughnut fetish.<br />
<br />
All of these faces are parts of me, as well as the ones not mentioned, but do not represent the whole.<br />
<br />
My natural state of being is that of a fun loving 10 year old.<br />
This only my work partner and my wife see.<br />
<br />
So I guess the whole point that I'm trying to make here is that I'm not always gravely serious and depressed.<br />
Maybe others are the same way too.<br />
<br />
I hope to incorporate some of my other personality traits into this blog eventually. Try to show the real me and not just the cardboard cut outs everyone usually sees.<br />
<br />
But then again, maybe I shouldn't make such intentions public.<br />
This "chatty" spell that my meds have me under could disappear as quickly as it appeared and I'll be back lurking in the shadows again wishing I could reach out and be reached.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I think I'll go with a teensy less coffee tomorrow. I'm kinda starting to notice that I'm babbling.<br />
Oh well. We'll see what tomorrow brings.Saphris in Seattletag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-07:4661400:BlogPost:1528242013-08-07T01:43:11.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
Well, Seattle was as bad as I'd imagined it.<br />
I managed not to run anybody over or get run over.<br />
I did get grumped at by a little old lady in a walker for holding the door open for her. Probably would've upset me if I'd been anyplace else.<br />
<br />
Showed up about two hours early as Seattle traffic is notoriously unpredictable and nonsensical. I'd end up paying big for that in parking charges.....but if I hadn't showed up that early there'd been a possibility that I'd miss my appointment.<br />
Gotta love big…
Well, Seattle was as bad as I'd imagined it.<br />
I managed not to run anybody over or get run over.<br />
I did get grumped at by a little old lady in a walker for holding the door open for her. Probably would've upset me if I'd been anyplace else.<br />
<br />
Showed up about two hours early as Seattle traffic is notoriously unpredictable and nonsensical. I'd end up paying big for that in parking charges.....but if I hadn't showed up that early there'd been a possibility that I'd miss my appointment.<br />
Gotta love big cities.<br />
<br />
Met with my psychiatrist who was 15 minutes late, as is what seems to be the fashion in that industry.<br />
He promptly got on the phone while I waited, so I had some time to look around his office. <br />
I noted that he's devoutly Catholic and likely of Portugese decent. Not that that matters.... I'm just fascinated by things like that....you know, different cultures and such.<br />
The only real difference it makes is that I try to watch my potty mouth around him in deference to his religion.<br />
Twenty years of working heavy industries has left me with a rather "colorful" vocabulary.<br />
<br />
Anyway, I get in there and for the first time, explain to a health professional, about that fog or cloud that has enveloped my brain since I was six years old.<br />
I'm trying to figure out why I'd never talked about it to a doctor before.<br />
I asked him if I could pace while talk as it helps me think.<br />
He was cool with it and I proceeded to blurt out everything on my mind while wearing a hole in his carpet.<br />
I went into a tirade about my MD which he was told a little bit about by my therapist.<br />
I told him my idea about trying a really "light" anti-psychotic. I emphasized the word "light" because I'm terrified of developing Tardive Diskonesia. It's kinda hard to tie fishing flies whole you're shaking like a lopsided washing machine.<br />
He said he was thinking along the same lines and handed me two boxes of Saphris.<br />
He said it was a "second generation" anti-psychotic and has had patients who've responded well to it. I left the office feeling hopeful.<br />
I didn't even stress about the ride home.<br />
<br />
It's kind of hard to describe my state of mind last night.<br />
There was a part of me that wanted to take it right away and another part that was terrified at the thought.<br />
I really, really wanted the clarity of mind. The kind of clarity that could bring and leave me in the present moment. And what of emotions...will I finally know and recognize what they feel like? Know what they are and enjoy them?<br />
<br />
But what would become of Electric Larry Land?<br />
I've never been without it.<br />
How do normal people operate without an escape?<br />
Will I forever be alone, without even an imaginary support network?<br />
I paced and smoked for a couple hours outside and thought about these things.<br />
But there was no doubt that I was excited to see what would happen.<br />
<br />
Then I went in and took the tablet.<br />
I was stoned.<br />
I was so tired and out of it I had to smoke my last cigarette inside because my sense of balance was so far off I could barely stand. <br />
Crawled(literally) into bed, but couldn't sleep for an hour or two. Dog tired but restless.<br />
<br />
Woke up this morning alert to what ever changes might have taken place.<br />
Didn't notice anything just then as I was all groggy. Kinda like a hangover without all the discomfort.<br />
Listened to my meditations and rolled my cigarettes for the day.<br />
It was when I went to update the checkbook that I noticed a difference. That sense of dread and all the negative self talk that are always there when I think about finances were eerily absent. <br />
Rewarded myself with an extra cup of coffee because I didn't freak out about the wife blowing the budget.<br />
Got up and went outside and started to walk around in the backyard and thinking about what I needed to do today.<br />
No anxiety, no sense of urgency, and minimal inner conflict.<br />
<br />
It was a little after this that the first, though muffled, pang of anxiety hit.<br />
Would I still be able to DD?<br />
I ruminated,as much muffled as the anxiety was, about whether it was still there or not.<br />
I finally comforted myself with the fact that the ability to ruminate signaled that Electric Larry Land wasn't far behind.<br />
<br />
I walked into the house, still not quite sure how I felt.<br />
As I walked past the TV on the way to the mancave I caught a glimpse of what the wife was watching.<br />
I automatically started spinning up a story.<br />
It wasn't a strong reaction but it was there. The brilliant glow of Electric Larry Land was there on the far horizon of my mind.<br />
<br />
Funny thing is is that it wasn't the normal story line of my idealized self battling authority, but rather it was a blast from the past, pre teen and younger, when I still wanted to please them.<br />
<br />
My wife had taken off with the truck when it had gotten close to time for me to go to work and was running late.<br />
I was irritated, but it was a muted irritation. When I learned that I was going to be late for work, I said some appropriately angry things, but at no point from my traffic heavy drive to work did I ever feel like I would lose control.<br />
<br />
I got to work.....late,(I'm a janitor) and actually spoke to my partner who I hadn't spoken a word to in two weeks.<br />
Actually she said "hi" first and then I grumbled out a warning that I was on new meds and to be careful around me.<br />
That didn't start a fight so I think I'm good there. Little butt monkey.<br />
<br />
So I get to my first building and strap the vacuum cleaner on. This is where I do most of my evening time DD's.<br />
I start ruminating and ruminating and they're getting more and more negative.<br />
My neck and shoulders are rock hard and my head is starting to hurt.<br />
I go outside and shake it off the best I can.<br />
I then head with my partner to the library where we take our lunch.<br />
This is where I am now. My head doesn't really hurt anymore, but my stomach's a little queasy.<br />
I still don't really know how I feel. Hopefully the future'll bring me something I can relate to.Seeing my Drug Dealertag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-08-05:4661400:BlogPost:1525292013-08-05T04:00:00.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
<p>Gonna go see my drug dealer (psychiatrist) tomorrow.<br></br> Have to drive into Seattle.....(insert cuss words here)<br></br> The drivers are maniacs, the pedestrians are suicidal, and the bicyclists are obnoxious. The traffic lights are next to the crosswalk signs and not hung over the intersection like the rest of the civilized world.<br></br> I'll be showing up with elevated blood pressure and enough anxiety to drop a horse.<br></br> But, that's what I gotta do to work with a doctor who takes his job…</p>
<p>Gonna go see my drug dealer (psychiatrist) tomorrow.<br/> Have to drive into Seattle.....(insert cuss words here)<br/> The drivers are maniacs, the pedestrians are suicidal, and the bicyclists are obnoxious. The traffic lights are next to the crosswalk signs and not hung over the intersection like the rest of the civilized world.<br/> I'll be showing up with elevated blood pressure and enough anxiety to drop a horse.<br/> But, that's what I gotta do to work with a doctor who takes his job more seriously than his golf game.<br/> <br/> He's not too bad. My therapist warned him pretty good, so he pays attention to me and not the clock and keeps the arrogance in check.<br/> I don't think he or my therapist know how bad it really is out there for people seeking mental healthcare.<br/> There are a whole lot of turds with Phd's out there.<br/> <br/> Anyway, this'll be my second visit to him. He basically kept me on the same stuff I was on, including the ADHD meds that I restarted after two years without telling anybody and the mood stabilizers for a condition I admitted was diagnosed by Ozzy Osbourne. :)<br/> I also mentioned to him that I'd been working with my therapist and was having a little trouble sleeping.<br/> <br/> He prescribed Doxepin.<br/> Worked really well for my sleeping issues, but allowed my mind to cloud over completely, left me groggy, and feeling thoroughly unmotivated.<br/> When I started seeing images of myself committing suicide I dropped that s*** like a hot potato.<br/> Don't need to go back that direction again.<br/> I won't tear him up for it, as mistakes are human and I can relate to that. It's arrogance that would make him lower than a pedophile.<br/> <br/> I sometimes think I can be a little sensitive to disrespect and slights. :) ..... whatever.<br/> <br/> I think I'm going to ask him for some heavier hitting anxiety meds and maybe discuss trying some anti psychotics.<br/> <br/> I think that if the anti psychotics can lift that fog that carpets my mind, which I usually associate with MD, I think I might be able to progress a little further a little faster. Currently, with that fog in my mind, I can't focus on what's going on with my mind or body.<br/> My focus is on escape and distraction. To find away out of the present moment for reasons I can't figure out, though can guess it might have to do with crippling anxiety.<br/> And where that escape and distraction is usually found is in Electric Larry Land where the idealized version of myself is never bothered by emotions or hardships.<br/> I know that I have dissociative symptoms...but only because therapist says so.<br/> I spend so much of my time focused on DD's or finding opportunities to DD that I really have no idea what is or isn't abnormal in my being.<br/> <br/> As a teen I was so far away from reality that I was wearing heavy winter coats halfway into summer and light summer coats halfway into winter.(I usually changed them when someone brought it to my attention).<br/> During summer break I couldn't tell what day or month it was and the hour of the day was determined by the lighting from the garage window.<br/> I wouldn't notice hunger or thirst until I was so weak I couldn't pace anymore and then would feel so sick like I'd swallowed battery acid and chased it with whiskey. I'd give it an hour or three and go right back at it.....ya, I'm a lifer :) <br/> <br/> Anyway, I am a little concerned about the anti psychotics killing the creative side of me. I used to (back when I could afford it) go out to natural areas and take pictures. I'd bring them home and photoshop them until they looked like manic depressive landscapes. Kind of how I've always viewed the world. Beauty clouded with darkness and a sense that I just don't belong here.<br/> <br/> Anyway, thanks for reading this as I need the practice talking about these things. Eventually, I'm going to tell my friends(actually acquaintances... I have no real friends) about MD.<br/> <br/> I'm also thinking about telling my family... a family I haven't spoken to in over a decade.<br/> Some crap over a psychotic step daughter, the befriending of my wife's ex boyfriend, and missed funerals...... Whatever. I'll stop rambling now.</p>Snapping in and outtag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-07-31:4661400:BlogPost:1515422013-07-31T20:00:44.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
<p>I promised my self I'd write in my blog. I have adjusted to my new meds and the cloud (MD) is once again washing over my brain and I'm having trouble just writing in my iPod journal.</p>
<p>It seems every time I get put on a new psychotropic drug I snap out of Electric Larry Land....but only for a 2 to 3 weeks. Then it comes back. Slowly at first...starting with the ruminations, then moving to night time DD's, then to work DD's and then before I know it I'm chugging a pot and a half of…</p>
<p>I promised my self I'd write in my blog. I have adjusted to my new meds and the cloud (MD) is once again washing over my brain and I'm having trouble just writing in my iPod journal.</p>
<p>It seems every time I get put on a new psychotropic drug I snap out of Electric Larry Land....but only for a 2 to 3 weeks. Then it comes back. Slowly at first...starting with the ruminations, then moving to night time DD's, then to work DD's and then before I know it I'm chugging a pot and a half of coffee, smoking a pack of cigarettes before work, and pacing around in my man cave mumbling to myself.</p>
<p>It has always worked this way. Just when I thought I was rid of this curse it comes back, and usually in severity to make up for lost time.</p>
<p>The other things that snap me out of it are new surroundings(especially travel), and emergencies. But it always comes back.</p>
<p>Alcohol will snap me out of it for a bit and relieve my anxiety to a point. The anxiety will eat through the alcohol if I become so inebriated that I can't DD. Just the thought of not having the ability to DD will set me off into a panic. Alcohol is my self-medicine of choice though. I have to become nearly incoherent for my DD's to become affected.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have tried marijuana as well(as soon as it became legal in my State) and have had a similar effect. As soon as I lose my ability to DD I panic. That and I just don't really care for the high all that much. My DD's are a hundred times more relaxing and soothing as any kind of drug or alcohol.</p>
<p>The only drugs I actually abuse are cigarettes and coffee. These things help me focus on my DD's and help me go deeper into them.</p>
<p>Anyway, that's my blog for the time being. Hope to use meditation to keep myself going with all the improvements I'm trying to make...including writing in the blog.</p>My therapist is kick ass! She was the one who brought my attention to MD.....after about a year and a half of frusteratingly slow progress.
We were talking today and she actually asked me for the li…tag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-07-27:4661400:BlogPost:1505132013-07-27T05:25:20.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
My therapist is kick ass! She was the one who brought my attention to MD.....after about a year and a half of frusteratingly slow progress.<br />
<br />
We were talking today and she actually asked me for the link to this website.<br />
I didn't hesitate because she went well above and beyond duty to find that little essay by Eli Somer for me.<br />
<br />
I found her by accident. I was skimming some obscure website when I saw her name...but it was her address that motivated me to send her that first email.<br />
Her office was…
My therapist is kick ass! She was the one who brought my attention to MD.....after about a year and a half of frusteratingly slow progress.<br />
<br />
We were talking today and she actually asked me for the link to this website.<br />
I didn't hesitate because she went well above and beyond duty to find that little essay by Eli Somer for me.<br />
<br />
I found her by accident. I was skimming some obscure website when I saw her name...but it was her address that motivated me to send her that first email.<br />
Her office was located within walking distance from my house.<br />
This was the only reason I chose her.<br />
I got effin lucky.<br />
<br />
I'm 40 y.o. and have seen a gazillion counselors.<br />
A few of them were honest and admitted they didn't know what was wrong with me.<br />
But most ov'm tried to B.S. their way through it and I ended up leaving angry.<br />
I held a special hatred for psychiatrists....bloody golf enthusiasts with prescription pads or state licesned dope dealers.<br />
<br />
The bad experiences I'd had all come from "pill mills".<br />
Pill Mills are mental health companies. Either attached to a hospital or a clinic.<br />
My doctor is an independant. She also introduced me to a competent independant psychiatrist, though his office is located in the sewer(the city of Seattle......icky!)<br />
<br />
I dunno, maybe the trick to finding a good doctor is to sniff out the independants?<br />
It seemed to work for me.<br />
I now know the name of my tormentor(MD) I feel whole...and can face the other issues they do have cures for.<br />
<br />
If anyone's living in the Puget Sound area and looking for a forward thinking therapist, I'd be more than happy to give out her name and number.<br />
She wont b.s. you or blow a bunch of sugar up your backside.....but she will find a solution.Bad Daytag:wildminds.ning.com,2013-07-24:4661400:BlogPost:1502012013-07-24T20:48:05.000ZLarryhttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/Larry
<p>Had really bad day on Monday.</p>
<p>Methinks it was a DID episode, but I think I'll have to argue the case with my therapist. She's so frustratingly meticulous that she won't commit to an answer without a lengthy analyzing of the subject.</p>
<p>O.K.....so I identified one of my MD triggers as being "white noise". So, I tried removing the fan I sleep with from the room. Probably not a great idea this early in the game, as I was really tired after a couple of weeks.</p>
<p>However; I was…</p>
<p>Had really bad day on Monday.</p>
<p>Methinks it was a DID episode, but I think I'll have to argue the case with my therapist. She's so frustratingly meticulous that she won't commit to an answer without a lengthy analyzing of the subject.</p>
<p>O.K.....so I identified one of my MD triggers as being "white noise". So, I tried removing the fan I sleep with from the room. Probably not a great idea this early in the game, as I was really tired after a couple of weeks.</p>
<p>However; I was also alert and motivated. Not a state I reach very often or easily.</p>
<p>I also started my ADD meds back up not too long ago.....and the doctor had messed with my mood stabilizer as well.</p>
<p>So here I am, running around with all kinds of energy and good feelings trying to eradicate bad habits and instill good ones. I'm listening to guided meditations(just listening....not actually meditating), I cut myself back to two cups of coffee a day(another MD trigger), following a schedule for daily chores, and making and finishing a to-do list.</p>
<p>It started last weekend I think. I was feeling tired and having to put forth some effort to accomplish my daily chores. I was less motivated and my sense of optimism was beginning to show some fading, and I was irritable.</p>
<p>On Monday I was irritable with my work partner. I have to hitch a ride with her every so often because my finances are a wreck and if the truck ain't broke, its just straight out of gas. This is a very significant source of humiliation and shame, and not just because she's twenty years my junior and very much a kid, but also because I'm 40 years old and have never been able to pull my head out of my arse.</p>
<p>She was supposed to pick me up on Monday, but instead called two hours before the shift and told me she couldn't pick me up.</p>
<p>I did improvise and got a ride with someone else, but I was beginning to get more irritated.</p>
<p>This is when the angry ruminations and angry DD's came into play. They were very close to being overwhelming and I was losing the control needed to calm myself down.</p>
<p>So she shows up to work she's got a case of the ass, and ain't talking to me, and feels the need to order me about like a child.</p>
<p>Bye-bye Larry, hello Angry One. From this point on I was in an impotent rage, hidden beneath the surface of neutral facial expressions.</p>
<p>I was not myself anymore. The Angry One and my MD took over. The angry DD's and ruminations were unstoppable and all consuming. My neck and upper back were like concrete and the first stinging and burning of muscle knots were beginning to make themselves known and I was terrified that all my anger and pain would spill out and be seen by everybody and end up having the M.P.'s escort me to the Looney Bin.</p>
<p>Throughout all of this I maintained an outer appearance of someone who wasn't feeling very good. In reality I was in a foggy haze, a hell of rage, confusion, and terror.</p>
<p>I made it home and slept it off. I called in sick on Tuesday and today. I'm feeling a little better, and even though the ruminations and DD's are there, they're fairly shallow in depth and a whole lot less angry.</p>
<p>God it would be nice to just not have any mental issues for just one day. Just a little vacation from the non-sense.</p>
<p> </p>