Ivy White's Posts - Wild Minds network2024-03-28T08:39:49ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhitehttps://storage.ning.com/topology/rest/1.0/file/get/3145252840?profile=RESIZE_48X48&width=48&height=48&crop=1%3A1https://wildminds.ning.com/profiles/blog/feed?user=0p567ogxh1a89&xn_auth=noTreatmenttag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-05-07:4661400:BlogPost:2067102015-05-07T06:51:42.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>So I often wrote about treatment and I was taking it serious for more or less a month then shit hit the fan. Now it's getting increasingly bad, so I took my phone and rang my general practitioner for a visit. I can't function, at all, I have not been able to work for more or less a month now and I just don't manage anymore. So the hunt for a therapist and a psychiatrist starts again, and I hope my gp will write me home for a few days just so I can cry out and collect myself instead of…</p>
<p>So I often wrote about treatment and I was taking it serious for more or less a month then shit hit the fan. Now it's getting increasingly bad, so I took my phone and rang my general practitioner for a visit. I can't function, at all, I have not been able to work for more or less a month now and I just don't manage anymore. So the hunt for a therapist and a psychiatrist starts again, and I hope my gp will write me home for a few days just so I can cry out and collect myself instead of feeling like I'm about to burst into tears at the office. I might try some meds at this point because it's just not funny anymore.</p>
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<p>I don't know what happened or why it got so bad. I had this huge huge stress and never really had time to recover from it, and now that I don't have a deadline to press against I feel exhausted and drained about all the time. The only time I don't feel that bad is when I am daydreaming or writing out my daydream stories or just shutting my mind down with mindless facebooking. I feel anxious and disappointed in myself almost non-stop. And I need to pull myself together and I don't know if I'll be able to do it.</p>More failtag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-04-16:4661400:BlogPost:2049102015-04-16T12:50:44.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>I'm at my third day completely dreamt away.</p>
<p>I am very happy on one hand because I "unlocked" a new scenario but I still feel a bit guilty and I haven't been able to work in ages. I'm also not doing a lot of meditating or yoga or eating properly so it's sort of my fault. It feels very cyclical and I don't know what is first, but generally I come to a point where I will stop eating properly (yesterday i had just fries and two days ago just a waffle), stop exercising, stop meditating and…</p>
<p>I'm at my third day completely dreamt away.</p>
<p>I am very happy on one hand because I "unlocked" a new scenario but I still feel a bit guilty and I haven't been able to work in ages. I'm also not doing a lot of meditating or yoga or eating properly so it's sort of my fault. It feels very cyclical and I don't know what is first, but generally I come to a point where I will stop eating properly (yesterday i had just fries and two days ago just a waffle), stop exercising, stop meditating and just daydream like mad. I can't even concentrate properly on this post, I'm just going to stop here.</p>Treatment week 6, back on tracktag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-04-02:4661400:BlogPost:2037712015-04-02T09:39:11.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>So after having had a lapse last week, I got back into the saddle. I actually find atm that yoga is more useful than meditation, so I'm focussing on that right now. Yoga has the added benefit that I focus on my body, and instead of just sitting there trying to be calm, I can move around a bit and experiment with how things feel. It's a very different way of being into the world and when I come out of it I'm always very clear headed and able to be decisive and do things. </p>
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<p>I…</p>
<p>So after having had a lapse last week, I got back into the saddle. I actually find atm that yoga is more useful than meditation, so I'm focussing on that right now. Yoga has the added benefit that I focus on my body, and instead of just sitting there trying to be calm, I can move around a bit and experiment with how things feel. It's a very different way of being into the world and when I come out of it I'm always very clear headed and able to be decisive and do things. </p>
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<p>I have had a few mornings where I did not start to daydream as soon as my alarm went. One morning I even did 15 minutes of yoga before I showered and the other one I paid a few bills before leaving for work. It didn't even feel that hard, or like pulling a teeth. I still allow myself to daydream in the evenings , to fall asleep, but one night I wanted to read more than I wanted to daydream, so I took a book and did that. I wasn't really conscious of it until it hit me the next day and I was like "woah", something else took over, I actively preferred to do one thing instead of daydreaming. </p>
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<p>Right now work is back to being very low-stress and I procrastinate like shit. I'm underwhelmed, again. I don't know if I'm in the bad line of work or if I'm doomed to find jobs not interesting but this isn't cutting it either. I have yet to find one thing where I don't end up bored to tears. Hence the massive procrastination, so that I can build up tension, and only that gets me working. It is the same vicious cycle as when I was still in school. But when I had a job in sales, with an external schedule, it was not good either. Actually that one made me get in meds and burn out. So I don't know.</p>
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<p>I'm also "fixing" my surroundings. I voiced the fact I was unhappy to my boyfriend, which got us into a fight, and while it didn't feel good to have a crisis, it felt good to stand up for myself and the fact I was unhappy where we are.</p>
<p>I think I'm also starting to feel a lot less fear on a daily basis. That was the first thing that always popped up when I meditated, I was such a ball of nervous tension. I guess that fear is what kept me stuck, and I just put all my frustrations in the daydream world and dealed with them there. Doing things about daily life lessens the urge to daydream. At least, it's not as... addictive as it used to feel when I was really desperate. </p>
<p></p>Treatment week 5, in which I failtag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-03-24:4661400:BlogPost:2031772015-03-24T12:56:22.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>Where to start? </p>
<p>With the closure of some very big thing at my job, last week was insanely hectic. I hardly daydreamt at all just because it was all hands on deck all the time. I was working until midnight or 1 am for a few days and finally managed the bloody thing. With that much stres, I didn't daydream. I tried, like when I was bored on the bus, but it didn't work. Instead, I actually really listened to the music. So I thought I had this shit down and I was doing great.…</p>
<p>Where to start? </p>
<p>With the closure of some very big thing at my job, last week was insanely hectic. I hardly daydreamt at all just because it was all hands on deck all the time. I was working until midnight or 1 am for a few days and finally managed the bloody thing. With that much stres, I didn't daydream. I tried, like when I was bored on the bus, but it didn't work. Instead, I actually really listened to the music. So I thought I had this shit down and I was doing great. Unfortunately, I also didn't make time for meditating, and the one day in the week that I did, I was all over the place. </p>
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<p>Cue this weekend, when the thing is finally done and over, and I am free again. I went to this cosplay party, had an insanely good time and the next day, with my partially hungover, sleep-deprived, stress-ridden self, all I could do was daydream. I daydreamt in the car, driving, when I was having lunch with my mother, I skipped my sports classes to stay home and daydream because it was so powerful. </p>
<p>I even launched a new character, go figure. </p>
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<p>Anyhow, I don't know why, but now I am able to pull back my focus from my job and look around me, I just am so deeply dissatisfied. I'm not happy with my life, or with my relationships. Especially my relationship. We've been hitting a low spot on several levels, also physical, and surprise surprise, all my characters are getting a lot of action. So once again I think I just siphon my unhappiness away from my current life, dealing with it through DDs and if I didn't have that I probably wouldn't function. </p>
<p>I'm completely confused about what I want and how to get it. I promised myself that this summer I will take a holiday alone, with no electronics and actually spend some time really pondering what it is I want to be doing instead of just going with the stream. But meanwhile, now, I just really do not want to do anything at all but DD.</p>Treatment week 4tag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-03-12:4661400:BlogPost:2028182015-03-12T17:19:17.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>Oh dear lord the stress at work is getting higher and higher. BUT BUT BUT... the MD is lessening, and I'm back to being a chronic procrastinator -_- not very useful either, but I can stop that more easily.</p>
<p>At least I have been able to identify that the root causes are similar. Basically, my trigger to get into daydreaming or procrastinating is when</p>
<p>(1) I have stress "jolts" , remembering something I have to do, a stressful phonecall, some stupid task, my heart rate and anxiety…</p>
<p>Oh dear lord the stress at work is getting higher and higher. BUT BUT BUT... the MD is lessening, and I'm back to being a chronic procrastinator -_- not very useful either, but I can stop that more easily.</p>
<p>At least I have been able to identify that the root causes are similar. Basically, my trigger to get into daydreaming or procrastinating is when</p>
<p>(1) I have stress "jolts" , remembering something I have to do, a stressful phonecall, some stupid task, my heart rate and anxiety goes up and I daydream to calm myself</p>
<p>(2) when I am faced with something difficult that I don't want to do.</p>
<p>MDD is basically my mind that goes on "mission abort, let's get the eff out of here."</p>
<p></p>
<p>Also, I am slowly becoming more emotional, or at least more emotional in real life. This is weird because I am used to being a blank surface of calm. Monday I had a medical intervention and for one reason or another that was really triggering, and some physically stored memories came up and poured out. I think the lid MDD keeps on those things is coming off. I didn't know exactly what I remembered, but it was old and deep and I didn't know why I was crying and shaking but I knew it was at least getting out. Then I had a few drinks and had to go to work, not too proud of that but I needed to be functional. I've also managed to be angry! It was during a LARP game, but I have rarely been actually able to portray anger properly. It was weird, but it felt energetic and I wanted more of it. </p>
<p>I unfortunately have noticed that I turn to alcohol more to try to make some distance between me and my emotions. Also, a lot of somatic pains are coming up. Seems like MDD cuts me off really well from myself actually. So right now things are pretty shitty, but "good" shitty. This is for me a very good indicator that I should stay away from medication, because this kind of things numbs you and keeps you separated from your true emotions. </p>
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<p>I might try out some more alternative things, because I really need to access some part of me that is not "rationally" there if I want to get to the root of things, and then you're left with stuff that is outside of normal talk-therapy.</p>Treatment, week 3tag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-28:4661400:BlogPost:2017952015-02-28T09:37:43.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>This week was hugely stressful, a big big part of the report I had to hand in for work was needed. I was persuaded I had screwed myself over forever and wouldn't make it but I did.</p>
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<p>Also, things are starting to happen. I have lengthened my meditation to 15 minutes two times a day and I realise that I feel more in touch with things. For example, I have started to feel hungry again. Otherwise I'm either OMG-feed-me-i'm-fainting or not feeling anything. I'm also getting tired and…</p>
<p>This week was hugely stressful, a big big part of the report I had to hand in for work was needed. I was persuaded I had screwed myself over forever and wouldn't make it but I did.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Also, things are starting to happen. I have lengthened my meditation to 15 minutes two times a day and I realise that I feel more in touch with things. For example, I have started to feel hungry again. Otherwise I'm either OMG-feed-me-i'm-fainting or not feeling anything. I'm also getting tired and excited again naturally which was just "not there" for so long. I still feel anxious a lot but now that the big part of the report is over, that's slightly better.</p>
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<p>I still daydream a lot, getting on time at work is a struggle, falling asleep happens only when I am totally exhausted from daydreaming. Still, I find that I am able to "switch" more easily. I have been able a few times this week to shake myself up and do what needs to be done, like laundry and such, without daydreaming. Also, Friday, for the first time in like, forever, I sat down and started to work immediately. No half hour of thinking, daydreaming or procrastinating. I felt good and active and even tackled mails I was avoiding sending. I'm still drawing a lot on the train, and writing down my daydreams instead of just putting them on repeat. So I would say I deffinitely see some progress.</p>
<p></p>Treatment, week 2tag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-24:4661400:BlogPost:2015522015-02-24T19:56:47.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>So, last week was harder. I was not at my own place most of the time (I have a boyfriend) and when I'm at his place it's hard to find a way to meditate. I tried to do it lying in bed in the morning but I just fell asleep again, so it wasn't very useful. I felt less productive than last week as well.</p>
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<p>I also had quite severe backlash. When I don't daydream for a while, and suddenly I can, it just goes totally overboard. I was once again walking into traffic, not really noticing…</p>
<p>So, last week was harder. I was not at my own place most of the time (I have a boyfriend) and when I'm at his place it's hard to find a way to meditate. I tried to do it lying in bed in the morning but I just fell asleep again, so it wasn't very useful. I felt less productive than last week as well.</p>
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<p>I also had quite severe backlash. When I don't daydream for a while, and suddenly I can, it just goes totally overboard. I was once again walking into traffic, not really noticing things. However, I have recuperated some concentration ability after all, I have a tracker on my work computer and I could see that my "standard attention span" has moved up to around 15-20 minutes at a time.</p>
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<p>I wasn't really productive during the weekend. I kept trying to make "space" in my head to work (big report that was actually due this weekend, still haven't finished it) but I procrastinated. Strangely enough not that much through daydreaming, more with reading or researching things for my daydreaming world. It also doesn't help that I found a new piece of music that is the perfect background for my imagination. I'm listening to that album on repeat.</p>
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<p>I must also say that I am a bit more in touch with how I actually feel inside. It's not good. Half of the time I am terrified, half of the time, I feel numb. I've been drinking alcohol when I come home. I find being under the influence kind of sedates those feelings and I'm less rabid about daydreaming.</p>
<p>I already knew when I started that daydreaming is a coping mecanism for me but I never realised how distraught my life makes me feel on a daily basis. It's not even that bad, it's just a dayjob with a long commute. I'm starting to fear that I am just not cut out of the right material to survive unscathed in this world.</p>Treatment, week 1tag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-15:4661400:BlogPost:2011022015-02-15T09:49:31.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>I hesitated to put treatment between brackets since it is basically just meditation and yoga and some other exercise. But, for me it's a form of treatment, so I'd rather keep calling it that way. </p>
<p></p>
<p>Squeezing some time in for meditation has been hard. I try to do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening, that seems to work best. It's very hard not to drift off, and I tend to drift off (1) thinking about things I have to do that day, (2) daydreaming. When I'm doing (1), I…</p>
<p>I hesitated to put treatment between brackets since it is basically just meditation and yoga and some other exercise. But, for me it's a form of treatment, so I'd rather keep calling it that way. </p>
<p></p>
<p>Squeezing some time in for meditation has been hard. I try to do 10 minutes in the morning and 10 in the evening, that seems to work best. It's very hard not to drift off, and I tend to drift off (1) thinking about things I have to do that day, (2) daydreaming. When I'm doing (1), I can really feel anxiety like a wave over me and I immediately start "fixing" things in my head, for example I start to compose that dreaded email in my mind and before I know I'm imagining the scene. I really try to stay with the anxiety and try not to fix it, but it is very hard. </p>
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<p>I don't know if it's because of the meditation, but this week at work was sort of okay. I only had one bad day, and I also had a really good day this week. I also felt the urge to start drawing again, which I did on my commute. That made me feel really good. I was looking at the world, being really in the world, being present, even if it was just to find things to draw. But it had been a long, long time since I felt like I was able to actually exist there.</p>
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<p>One day I did not meditate, that was Saturday. I had gone to bed at 4 am friday night and woke up late, I felt groggy and weak and since I was over at a friends' house I didn't really find some time alone. That day the DD hit full force. I managed some writing out of the daydreams but nothing else. I'm glad I wasn't driving back home, because I was dangerously inside my head. So today (Sunday) I did some yoga and meditated and the "daydreaming wave" I had been riding has gone down somewhat. </p>
<p>Deffinitely continuing. I will keep you updated. </p>Starting treatmenttag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-09:4661400:BlogPost:2009162015-02-09T08:09:02.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>I'll try to resume what has been said in the long phonecall I had concerning treatment for MDD. A lot of things were said but maybe not in that order, anyhow, here's a resume.</p>
<p></p>
<p>The root of the cause, at least in my personal case (and I think it's right) would be a heightened sensitivity, probably processing physical sensations and the outer world differently. Also, in my case I am someone with a high baseline, existential anxiety, I don't feel at ease with the world. When…</p>
<p>I'll try to resume what has been said in the long phonecall I had concerning treatment for MDD. A lot of things were said but maybe not in that order, anyhow, here's a resume.</p>
<p></p>
<p>The root of the cause, at least in my personal case (and I think it's right) would be a heightened sensitivity, probably processing physical sensations and the outer world differently. Also, in my case I am someone with a high baseline, existential anxiety, I don't feel at ease with the world. When children daydream or pretend-play it's a way to "practice" with all that input, but the mecanism becomes a defence strategy, some sort of layer of distance between the self and being in the world. When children become able to think logically and rationally that also becomes a favoured mecanism of creating distance, especially from emotions, as it allows to put a damper on everything by rationalising. They said it's often seen that DDers are actually refraining from feeling their own emotions, and prefer to feel "other people's" (=their avatars') or think about it.</p>
<p>I liked how they didn't put the daydreaming in a bad perspective. For them, the essence of human life is taking the things that happen to us and weaving them into significance, some story of our own, our personalities, except that daydreamer's have taken this capacity to a pinnacle, and they can integrate and create several environments, personalities, constantly experiencing the plasticity of what "experienced life" is itself.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, coupled with a continuous "overwhelm" from the world (because the senses are too strong or coping mecanisms are put in place badly), and some sort of baseline anxiety (can come from the childhood upbringing, situation you're in, or simply being wired in a high-strung way) the need can become compulsive. That compulsivity is rarely as full blown as in schizophrenia or OCD, because you realise you are still in a daydream and not in real life, but there is an element of need to it, a difficulty to break away and go back to daily life. I personally have some "gray areas" of compulsivity, checking doors and windows a lot, self-medicating with alcohol and sugar, with procrastination, being unable to sleep because I'm in a daydream, not feeling hunger when I DD, etc. </p>
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<p>Now after all the theoretical framework in which this happens, there are some solutions.</p>
<p></p>
<p>They said another coping mecanism can be relearnt but that those are typically the hardest therapies and it's more or less one year of intensive, partially in-patient therapy. They said given that I still have some flexibility (different worlds and sometimes the capacity to break away from it) they don't think it's the best option.</p>
<p>Medication-wise, stimulants are dangerous because they increase the baseline anxiety, even if the overwhelm can feel lessened because you actually do things. They didn't put much credit into anti-depressants. Anti-anxiety medication might work, however, it is often pretty addictive. They would go down the road of a very low level of some atypical anti-psychotics to be able to control the compulsion to dream while not hindering the capacity and allowing for clearer thoughts. I wasn't really open to that, and I must admit I'm not a fan of medication in the first place.</p>
<p>They said the other options were to step outside of the over-intellectualisation which is another of my defense strategies, so no talk-therapy on its own, and turn to things like meditation and yoga. They said it would probably cause a lot of emotions to "get loosened" and that it was really important that I actually make the effort to work though those things, without judging them or trying to analyze them into some sort of grand life lesson.</p>
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<p>Sorry for the long post. So basically, now, I'm on a one-month trial period of meditation at least 15 minutes 5 days a week (to be increased) and yoga 2x a week. If I can't seem to make it work they recommend medication, especially since, in my case, my capacity to work and be productive is on the brink of collapsing.</p>
<p></p>Finally told someonetag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-06:4661400:BlogPost:2005472015-02-06T08:21:30.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>Yesterday I wasted another day completely in DDs and on facebook. So, I typed it all out in an email and I sent it to a friend who is a mental health care worker, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how I am going to get myself where I want to be if I'm constantly being hijacked by my own head. I was panicking at the fact I had done nothing at all that day, and that cranked my DDing up even more. So I told them.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Their reaction was really awesome. They told me…</p>
<p>Yesterday I wasted another day completely in DDs and on facebook. So, I typed it all out in an email and I sent it to a friend who is a mental health care worker, because I just couldn't do it anymore. I don't know how I am going to get myself where I want to be if I'm constantly being hijacked by my own head. I was panicking at the fact I had done nothing at all that day, and that cranked my DDing up even more. So I told them.</p>
<p></p>
<p>Their reaction was really awesome. They told me immediately they were glad I had told someone, and that they were treating a few people who had that as well in their hospital. I was happy they took it seriously, but even more that they were actually treating some people already. They also told me that there were therapies and treatment. We will meet up soon and then have a chat to consider options and what I could do.</p>
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<p>Once that was off my chest I managed to work a little bit, and in the evening I even did some yoga. However, I daydreamt way too late at night and woke up this morning, and instead of going back to sleep, I started daydreaming. I might have slept 5 hours, but not much more. I have bags under my eyes so big that they wouldn't be allowed on a plane and I'm completely exhausted. This is going to be a tough day.</p>The times when I didn't daydream.tag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-02-04:4661400:BlogPost:2004492015-02-04T16:00:00.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>I was trying to think about when I started daydreaming, and like everyone, I did it a lot as a kid. Up until I was around 12-13, I used to sit in class and daydream because I was bored out of my mind, or on the playground because I didn't have many friends. I usually Mary-Sued myself in an existing world, I can divide my life into which world I was preoccupied with and living part-time in. </p>
<p>However, there were several times in my life when I didn't daydream. Between 14 and 18 years, I…</p>
<p>I was trying to think about when I started daydreaming, and like everyone, I did it a lot as a kid. Up until I was around 12-13, I used to sit in class and daydream because I was bored out of my mind, or on the playground because I didn't have many friends. I usually Mary-Sued myself in an existing world, I can divide my life into which world I was preoccupied with and living part-time in. </p>
<p>However, there were several times in my life when I didn't daydream. Between 14 and 18 years, I was really, really down. Usually depressed, I even had an eating disorder at some time. I didn't have access to DD, as if other things consumed my head, thoughts about sad things, or food. </p>
<p>Then I fell in love for the first time, and I could not stop thinking about that. </p>
<p>It seems weird but for all my life I have been really intense with my head, as if my entire intellectual life was just one long hyperfocus. Because when I DD, I'm pretty sure it is some form of hyperfocus. And when something strikes my fancy, I can also get into this sort of frenzy where I'll try to learn everything about it. Or read a 1000 pages book in mere days. </p>DD-cracktag:wildminds.ning.com,2015-01-29:4661400:BlogPost:2002472015-01-29T08:55:23.000ZIvy Whitehttps://wildminds.ning.com/profile/IvyWhite
<p>I often doubt how to start blogs, so I decided not to write an introduction to this one and just jump ahead into it. </p>
<p></p>
<p>I'm struggling a lot lately and I'm feeling hammered by guilt as I'm - again - not able to focus on anything else but my head. I <em>know</em> I have this capacity to let myself be totally submerged into a task, get into it, grind and "wake up" a few hours later, being proud of what I achieved. But it does not seem to work for my job.</p>
<p>I don't often dream…</p>
<p>I often doubt how to start blogs, so I decided not to write an introduction to this one and just jump ahead into it. </p>
<p></p>
<p>I'm struggling a lot lately and I'm feeling hammered by guilt as I'm - again - not able to focus on anything else but my head. I <em>know</em> I have this capacity to let myself be totally submerged into a task, get into it, grind and "wake up" a few hours later, being proud of what I achieved. But it does not seem to work for my job.</p>
<p>I don't often dream up completely new fantasy worlds, I tend to borrow them from existing fiction. Right now, I'm up till my neck in my new character, its original world fluff and it's caused my brain to drop DD bombs in my thought process all the bloody time. What would my character be wearing. History of the world itself, of other characters. As a medical professional I'm totally into all the medical fluff, how the physiology of the alien races work etc. I'm doing a lot of research, surfing wiki's, googling, and at least my storyteller will be pleased with the grasp I'll have on the setting we'll be playing, but I'm not getting paid by my storyteller. *sigh*</p>
<p></p>
<p>Roleplaying is really like DD-crack. I sometimes wonder if, for the good of my head, I better just stop. But on the other hand I know I'll just DD ahead based on something new.</p>