Hiding my MD

by HowToKillADragon

Mar 3

I try to hide my MD as much as possible. I feel very embarrassed of people seeing me when I'm daydreaming because I will make facial expressions and talk to myself. Sometimes people catch me doing it and give me really weird looks, like "what's your problem?". I get very self conscious about it. It really frustrates me that it's so much out of my control. I feel embarrassed, lonely and powerless because of it.

When I daydream I will almost see double - the real world in front of my and my daydream creeping into my vision. I can see both at once and it's very disconcerting for me. Someone could be talking to me and I do everything I can to focus on what they are saying and still there's a daydream competing for my attention.

It's so hard to carry this silently without anyone around me knowing what's going on in my head. I always wonder what they would really think of me if I were to tell them. I always assume that they would judge me and distance themselves from me. 

I told a good friend of mine and she was shocked with what I shared. Something that happens to me often is that the daydreams take over my sight and I almost "blackout". I can't see or hear anything except what's in the daydream. I guess it's like dissociation, but I don't really know. I told my friend about a time that I was waiting to cross the street and I didn't notice when the light changed because I was in a daydream. She was shocked and a little worried because she thought it was dangerous that I couldn't see around me. My therapist had a similar reaction when I told her. The funny thing is, I didn't even think it was odd because it's been happening for most of my life.

If my therapist is put off by it, how are other people supposed to understand? I feel very alone carrying this. It helps that some people in my life know, but I wish I could just turn to the person next to me and say "sorry I missed that, I was daydreaming" without it being a big deal. 

I'm so relieved I found this forum because it's so nice to know that I'm not the only one who is dealing with this. I didn't even know what MD was until recently. I spent most of my life thinking I was the only person in the world who was like this and that I was just weird and broken somehow. 

I want to quit so I don't have to hide it anymore.

  • up

    Jessica Ballantyne

    I had the exact same issues as you being a daydreamer for a majority of my life. Apparently I have only one friend and she lives in another country. She still doesn't know my shocking secret. I broke up with another girl, and she never found out I was an MD'er, but she always wondered where I really was when she was talking, because she could see my eyes stare into blank space, and wondered if I was listening to her. I have a sister and mother who both feel I live on Pluto most times, and they wonder if I could be crazy. Everybody I've ever met just didn't understand, wondered where my head was, and shouted at me to fucking wake up and pay attention (and found me bat-shit strange). I can only guess, because we all have lives, and vitally know better not to do this. If they had my mind, I'm sure they would've had a panic attack. I can tell, if I'm not with them and didn't catch everything in the present moment—they gawp with scared eyes and screech at me to stop being somewhere else, or look at me like I'm being lame and stupid, or smile fake and steer away slowly, going "tssh."

    When I was a young adult, daydreaming filled me life with beauty and happiness that wasn't real, starting as a preteen. Thing is in the midst of being in a dream, I noticed people would catch me and bring up that they know what I must be doing, and asked if I'm OK. Others would yell, "Are you here?!"

    To make matters more unsettling, when my mind got preoccupied with dreams, my eyes would accidentally stare at people and gaze all over the room, ceiling, and floor. People have caught wind of this and mimicked what I looked like, and a lot of girls got so offended at my creepy stares that they'd scream at me to stop. My sister puts a pillow or a hood over her face when she sits at the couch in front of the TV, while I sit at the dining table, not even conscious of what I'm doing!

    I've honestly had a very, very small social life, and spent my life not being well-favoured by people. In my fantasy life I'm a beloved, friended, and desired woman. Obviously, MD looks a thousand times better than our real lives. I think it's sad that I never know how I'm making people feel for them to detest me like that. 









     










    2 hours ago