I'm currently distancing friends who I reunited with last winter after more than three years of my absence. I was working abroad while they stayed home and worked in one company this whole time. Ironically, I was invited to work here, too. Which also means that I'm in the same building with these people daily.
It wasn't obvious to me that something changed about them at first. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't blinded by the euphoria of coming back and reuniting with my home. However, the more I met up with these people, the less I was enjoying it. I was getting progressively more confused and annoyed.
Here's two things I realized and noticed:
1) Only one of them can be called an old friend. The other happened to be working in one company with her, they got close and started going on trips together. We were classmates at school, but not candid-beer-talk kind of friends like the other one.
2) They seem to know everything right and wrong about this world until I make them see their own mistakes, to which they have neither an answer nor a will to make up for - even if it happens at my expense.
I clocked in many red flags so far, but the most alarming one showed on my birthday. I'm not big on celebrating but I still do it if receiving funds and desired items can be considered as such. I detest surprises and parties in my name, so I always have a short list of stuff I'd be happy to get. Friends ask me for my wish list - I give them a link to a particular item.
The second friend suggested another type of the same thing that she bought for herself and was enjoying a lot. Even though I did tons of research, I still went to a mall to check it out so that I can make a more informed decision. When I texted my friends saying I'd prefer what I had already chosen, the second friend began panicking because... She already ordered what she claimed was better and cheaper.
Neither it was better - her type had less features and poorer build quality - or cheaper with the price difference being less than $1. Even more annoying is the fact that the thing I chose had both the quality and features that another model from her brand had, except her costed almost twice as much with the proposed base model being cheaper and less efficient.
They had two weeks to run price checks on the marketplace. Yet somehow - suddenly - budget was a problem when I told her to cancel and reorder. I point out that the price difference is less than $1. Now there's a new problem of money being stuck in the e-wallet after the return. I ask when she can use it again without paying commission fees - it's in a few days.
It's important to know that the first friend was there the whole time and said she was delighted to split the bill for the gift I chose. She was - until I started questioning the second friend about what exactly is the problem with placing a new order now. While the second friend was trying to rationalize why she won't order what I asked for, the first one went MIA.
The biggest question is - why do you even ask me about what I want if you end up getting me what YOU want? And why not just say it clearly instead of hiding behind circumstances that clearly aren't preventing you from rectifying your mistake? Moreover, the second friend even tried lying to me by saying as if I told her I don't care about what I get.
Her words weren't entirely made up, but were taken out of context. First, I told her I'd go to check out her suggestion, and then I also said something like "I don't care about which brand I get as long as the quality is great". I definitely wouldn't just blurt out "Nah, I don't give a crap" and walked off like it wasn't my business.
After that conversation in our group chat, with me saying or pointing out pretty much the same things I mentioned here, she was avoiding me in the office the whole week. Walking past me quietly when I greet her, keeping her head low when she sees me, avoiding any sort of verbal or visual contact.
If I didn't have enough brains on myself, I'd be genuinely thinking that I'm the abuser here even though it was: 1) my gift that was ruined, 2) my time wasted on going to the shopping mall on Saturday to make a more informed decision, 3) my efforts to stick to the plan completely derailed.
With that said, and many other smaller but still significant red flags considered, I don't see any confirmation that these people are taking me seriously as a friend. I don't even think they take themselves seriously enough. To me, it wasn't about the gift. I lived on my own for more than three years without any gifts. It's about attitude and manners.
What I've noticed about the second girl is that she seems to relish in being the "nice one" of the group. For example, I once told her that a guy in a language school, using public pressure of waiting in a long queue during a 5-minute break, bought me a coffee despite me refusing, and then got offended when I told him off in private.
Her immediate response? That he was "just being nice", implying that I was rude. The dude ganged up on me later for explaining to him that, when someone says no several times, it still means no. He was seen being hugged and cheered up by 6 or 8 dudes from our school on street. Over 140ml of coffee.
My friend still claimed that I was overreacting in that situation. Her brain only accepted my concerns as valid when I added, after everything else, that he was still in high school, and I was already a university student. Meaning that if he were older, she'd be defending his behavior as nice with no selfish intentions, all of which showed up once he was reprimanded.
Perhaps, it's just the way people who perceive themselves nice are. If you allow them into your space, be prepared to be a villain every now and then. Remember that your conflict will not be taken for what it is. It will be warped and framed as a provocation, a personal insult, or questioning the law (yes, you read that right). The actual problem is always avoided.
I'm grateful that I've met people before who respected my boundaries, teaching me what healthy friends are supposed to be. That I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses through studying, though it was still just a theory. After all, relationships aren't like maths. You don't know what's true and false there before you dip your toes to feel it.
If you have something similar you'd like to share I'd be very curious to read your story.
Non-MD post: On fake friends, nice people, and being an insufferable stickler
by Yukia
Jul 27
I'm currently distancing friends who I reunited with last winter after more than three years of my absence. I was working abroad while they stayed home and worked in one company this whole time. Ironically, I was invited to work here, too. Which also means that I'm in the same building with these people daily.
It wasn't obvious to me that something changed about them at first. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't blinded by the euphoria of coming back and reuniting with my home. However, the more I met up with these people, the less I was enjoying it. I was getting progressively more confused and annoyed.
Here's two things I realized and noticed:
1) Only one of them can be called an old friend. The other happened to be working in one company with her, they got close and started going on trips together. We were classmates at school, but not candid-beer-talk kind of friends like the other one.
2) They seem to know everything right and wrong about this world until I make them see their own mistakes, to which they have neither an answer nor a will to make up for - even if it happens at my expense.
I clocked in many red flags so far, but the most alarming one showed on my birthday. I'm not big on celebrating but I still do it if receiving funds and desired items can be considered as such. I detest surprises and parties in my name, so I always have a short list of stuff I'd be happy to get. Friends ask me for my wish list - I give them a link to a particular item.
The second friend suggested another type of the same thing that she bought for herself and was enjoying a lot. Even though I did tons of research, I still went to a mall to check it out so that I can make a more informed decision. When I texted my friends saying I'd prefer what I had already chosen, the second friend began panicking because... She already ordered what she claimed was better and cheaper.
Neither it was better - her type had less features and poorer build quality - or cheaper with the price difference being less than $1. Even more annoying is the fact that the thing I chose had both the quality and features that another model from her brand had, except her costed almost twice as much with the proposed base model being cheaper and less efficient.
They had two weeks to run price checks on the marketplace. Yet somehow - suddenly - budget was a problem when I told her to cancel and reorder. I point out that the price difference is less than $1. Now there's a new problem of money being stuck in the e-wallet after the return. I ask when she can use it again without paying commission fees - it's in a few days.
It's important to know that the first friend was there the whole time and said she was delighted to split the bill for the gift I chose. She was - until I started questioning the second friend about what exactly is the problem with placing a new order now. While the second friend was trying to rationalize why she won't order what I asked for, the first one went MIA.
The biggest question is - why do you even ask me about what I want if you end up getting me what YOU want? And why not just say it clearly instead of hiding behind circumstances that clearly aren't preventing you from rectifying your mistake? Moreover, the second friend even tried lying to me by saying as if I told her I don't care about what I get.
Her words weren't entirely made up, but were taken out of context. First, I told her I'd go to check out her suggestion, and then I also said something like "I don't care about which brand I get as long as the quality is great". I definitely wouldn't just blurt out "Nah, I don't give a crap" and walked off like it wasn't my business.
After that conversation in our group chat, with me saying or pointing out pretty much the same things I mentioned here, she was avoiding me in the office the whole week. Walking past me quietly when I greet her, keeping her head low when she sees me, avoiding any sort of verbal or visual contact.
If I didn't have enough brains on myself, I'd be genuinely thinking that I'm the abuser here even though it was: 1) my gift that was ruined, 2) my time wasted on going to the shopping mall on Saturday to make a more informed decision, 3) my efforts to stick to the plan completely derailed.
With that said, and many other smaller but still significant red flags considered, I don't see any confirmation that these people are taking me seriously as a friend. I don't even think they take themselves seriously enough. To me, it wasn't about the gift. I lived on my own for more than three years without any gifts. It's about attitude and manners.
What I've noticed about the second girl is that she seems to relish in being the "nice one" of the group. For example, I once told her that a guy in a language school, using public pressure of waiting in a long queue during a 5-minute break, bought me a coffee despite me refusing, and then got offended when I told him off in private.
Her immediate response? That he was "just being nice", implying that I was rude. The dude ganged up on me later for explaining to him that, when someone says no several times, it still means no. He was seen being hugged and cheered up by 6 or 8 dudes from our school on street. Over 140ml of coffee.
My friend still claimed that I was overreacting in that situation. Her brain only accepted my concerns as valid when I added, after everything else, that he was still in high school, and I was already a university student. Meaning that if he were older, she'd be defending his behavior as nice with no selfish intentions, all of which showed up once he was reprimanded.
Perhaps, it's just the way people who perceive themselves nice are. If you allow them into your space, be prepared to be a villain every now and then. Remember that your conflict will not be taken for what it is. It will be warped and framed as a provocation, a personal insult, or questioning the law (yes, you read that right). The actual problem is always avoided.
I'm grateful that I've met people before who respected my boundaries, teaching me what healthy friends are supposed to be. That I've learned about my strengths and weaknesses through studying, though it was still just a theory. After all, relationships aren't like maths. You don't know what's true and false there before you dip your toes to feel it.
If you have something similar you'd like to share I'd be very curious to read your story.