Adult me is still 15 in her daydreams

by Nikki

Oct 3

So it all started long back when I was hardly 14-15 ..I am from India .I have always been a daydreamer since my childhood but that time it used to be very less ...I had 2 major operations of my left leg when I was 14 ..the whole journey from pre op to post op and recovery period was extremely painful and exhausting both physically and mentally .

        That is from where my daydreams start increasing ..now they were no more harmless and fun dreams but rather compulsive scenerious which I could not stop ..at same time ,my parents were having some serious trouble in their relationship which led to frequent quarrels in home ..all these things used to give me serious panics and anxiety ..I became almost antisocial and escaped the harshness of reality with my fantasy life ..

Music is biggest stimulator for me .. whenever I listen to it ,my daydreams escalate to heights ..it consist of different stories ranging from sometimes I being saviour and helping everyone around to me to I being damsel in distress and being saved by someone really kind..

My daydreams have cost me almost everything from my anxiety issues , inferiority issues to my failed academic results ..I am from extremely competitive country where good colleges are less and in order to get there ,one needs to be really good in studies ..But my daydreams have destroyed my concentration a lot ..use to be studious child once ,but now a failure in every exams .. earlier to get college ,now to get job ..failing brutally in every aspect of life ..

     Sometimes I wish how easy it would be if I end my life and stop all this trouble ..but I don't know ..I don't feel courageous enough to do this .I chose struggle over death but the fact is I don't even have strength to struggle ...feeling hopeless ..

My family is bit conservative about mental health disorder so they never allowed me to consult any psychiatrist ..

Everything aside,I feel the 15 year old young girl is still there inside me getting anxious ,panicking ,being clueless but the adult me have no idea how to console her ...

  • John Alves

    It's like waking up in the middle of a hurricane, but don't worry, there is recovery, the problem is that anguish will be your main companion, because the more you dig, the more problems you will find, I mean in the sense of fears that you will discover, that you didn't even know existed, but every fight won is too good to miss the opportunity to keep trying, just never think you're alone, we're here too, if you have any questions just ask.

    Oct 4

  • Jessica Ballantyne

    Like you, I struggled with my studies and didn't make it into a better College. Interestingly enough, I never went to a psychiatrist, but I helped myself stop most of my MD overtime. 

    Sad thing is my adult life doesn't look great. I hate to think I deserve this, because I've received warnings from people, since I was a kid, not to dream. 

    My dad is open to the face, I've been a dreamer since I was a baby, but my mom and sister had a cow about it. They detest that I do this, and I'm in for trouble. 

    Now being 38, I'm trying so hard to find work, and the job market is challenging in Canada. I know better and perfectly aware that I cannot dream the way I have before, with all my cares. 

    So do seek help. 

    Oct 5