What bothers me is that nobody actually was aware that I was there. I stopped going to college and worked remotely at home, so nobody could see me. I was noticed when I worked onsite, but then co-workers just commented that I didn't talk that much and then they pushed on to talk with somebody else. I've had a guy at work literally put me on the spot and tell everybody I was the quietest person he's ever met, and even compared me to other women who are quite talkative. I was really stunned. And there was a harassment policy in that workplace. 

Maybe I didn't want to understand that I really bother people with this talking business. Obviously, they didn't find it normal, seeing how bad their reactions were. They probably found me boring and dead-faced. Even my closest best friend had a big problem with it, and we almost don't see each other anymore. Do I look like a loser, and don't know it? Or should I know? I've even had a guy at school mimic what I look and sound like! 

I'm chattier and expressive than I was before, and will open my thoughts to my dad if he asks how I'm doing. What scares me that what I'm staring at is also my conclusion, and it will just stay the same forever. 

I was glowing with positivity, hope and optimism towards the future. But everybody's reaction towards me is all the same, like they just don't find me interactive. 

It just breaks your heart really...and everybody just stares at you like you're in trouble.

I can't begin to find this very fair. Still, the nature of things will not look like you fantasized about. 

I can't even take account of how many people commented on the same issue...

I wanted to have a family...I can't believe this. 

Looking at the other side of the coin...I might've made others think I don't like them, being unable to interact with them correctly. For example a girl made a remark that I kept on pushing away, as she sat beside me, just to be social. She wanted to be my friend, but she felt I didn't like her. That wasn't true and I don't even remember what happened and how I behaved. I usually have a memory like a vice. It's sad when you always wanted friends and relationships, but you kept on giving people the worst impressions. 

Yeah, that has happened to me as well, sometimes. But hey, if it helps, you have a friend in me. I'm sorry I've been unable to talk back to you as often as I used to, spending excess time in gaming as well as daydreaming. But I'll be here for you regardless. I may not understand you immediately, but I would be your friend regardless.

I swear that I've never been in such bad shape in my life. I get chronic morning grog and frozen stiff for a couple hours. I think the reason could be is I have two coffees a day, and my sleep cycle breaks at 4PM, then I go back to sleep, and wake up at 8 or 9. Even if that's not the case, I sit and sleep in a room with no air and needs serious dusting and cleaning. 

I want to be in good shape when I do get a job, but feeling this way is not good. As for jobs, I've had a couple phone screens and got another on Monday. I think networking is the way to go, I made a list of employers that I want to work for. I feel like the applications I make get lost into cyber, and a machine picks it up, and it's not selected for an interview. I should be thinking of taking courses either in the winter or spring. This whole job hunting business is getting so frustrating. 

Do you still live with your mom? 

What bothers me is this year is coming to an end, and I still haven't made a decision about where I'm going next. I looked at colleges and programs for second career, now I wondering if I should enhance my skills in the career I'm already in. Getting a job seems impossible with the competition out there. My dad is starting to breath down my neck. It's getting to be a big concern. So I have to pump my pace and really talk to professionals, improve my interview skills and show them I'm interested. 

Personally, I feel so alone. Like all I've got is ME. Nobody else is going to be there. 

I feel guilty about this, career wise. Whenever I got a job in design, I wasn't fast and competant. I bugged co-workers with questions after training. I wasn't very creative. I had trouble with listening. Also, I relied on the mouse, when I should've known my keyboard short cuts, and I wasn't up to date with the software. And then I got laid off in a matter of weeks. 

There was this company where I worked with an easy going guy, who didn't care if I took my sweet ass getting through lists of banners, tiers and logos. Apparently I lost the job due to covid-19. 

It's been 11 years since I graduated with a bachelors, and I still have problems nailing a job opportunity and doing well for a company, and convincing an employers. So I wonder if I went into the wrong career. 

I'm a 35 year old grown ass person. I should get it through me, the past is over and done, and I need to move on with it. Everybody I grew up with are now all gone. I mean, they have homes and are parents, for Pete sakes. 

I spent a good 30 years in my hometown, but it's about time I got out of there too. Only problem is affording to achieve this goal. Without a job, I'm going nowhere. 

Yeah, I understand how you feel. I feel like I might be a late bloomer as well, but hey, I still hold on to the saying that "Life finds a way" And it will for you too. I'm looking for jobs in IT which aren't many left anymore.

Yeah, I probably need to hit the gym as well. I have no physical activity, and I'm gaming a lot, which means sitting in a chair all day. I'm still with my parents as well, and yeah, I feel restricted here.

I guess if you're strong, determined, willing and geared to find new work, life does find a way. Yeah, I sit in a chair all day hunting for jobs and watching demeaning YouTube videos.

It's crazy how you get older and time flies by faster. I never realized how many years I've lived at home into my adulthood, while trying to be independent. Most people my age are off the hook. 

I just wish that I chose a career that wasn't so hard for me. A lot of careers are hard to learn at first, but with graphic design, you need to live and breathe it, and be driven, to survive in it. Like surfing, swimming and dancing. I wish that I had known before I went ahead. I should've done research, like I did this summer, to see what's a good fit. I just didn't think like that at 20. I envy young people who know what the hell their doing. 

I must confess, I am feeling too old to still be living with my parents. 35, heh? I should have a place of my own by now. Never having gotten married is no excuse. I think that I was so overcome by excitement and happy feelings towards my future, I didn't stop to think of the likelihood, things won't work out as you imagined. At one time, I believed I'll be someone who cares about my satisfaction, and I ended up meeting so many who didn't care at all, nor even liked me, and just made me a face. 

I hate to break this on myself, but I was strongly advised to get out of the house and socialize, and I didn't. Yet I complain that I stayed single. 

I blog a lot, so don't feel bad for not reading them straight away. We all have a life. 

I've always wanted to leave my hometown. I heard of people who've lived there for 40 years, 50 years or even their whole lives. The town is too tranquil and uneventful for me. Taking a tour there is sort of boring. I think it's because I'm one for seeing what's out there. 

Why I simply didn't pack my bags and get out...is more complicated than it sounds. For one thing, I couldn't afford it, and it was hard to convince my parents I can do it alone, due to my disability. Plus everybody often misjudged my level of intellect, just by looking at my appearance. 

It bugs me when people say, why don't you just do it? You're a grown up, right? Well they simply don't know me from Adam and the conflicts involved. They don't seem to realize how tough the economy is and it's not getting any easier to land something permanent. Plus you're dealing with heal issues that could be making it a challenge. 

Yeah, I do read them all, Jess. It's just that I read them in the morning, which is now. 

Yeah, moving out is a hard task. My friends also urge me to move out. If only I were financially stable. Believe me, I really want to move out bad

I've also been feeling really lonely as well. I got two tinder matches, both unmatched me. I tried on Ur My Type, but there was nobody nearby. Maybe you can try that app as well. 

I want to move out too, but I didn't make sure I was financially stable. I kind of lagged behind in my career as well. I actually need to think about retraining. Reason employers are not selecting me for an interview is that my portfolio is not outstanding. I'm starting to get stressed out, because my dad is asking questions and demanding an explanation as to why I can't find employment. It's scaring me, it really is. I'm also way too old to be going through this all over again, thanks to the pandemic. I better find an opportunity as soon as possible. See that it's getting close to the holidays, I wonder if I'll find anything. 

Yes, I'm feeling quite lonely, and it's my fault. I must say, I'm not a social butterfly. A lot of people tell me that I'm introvert. I should learn to pay more attention to people. I honestly don't do online dating, nor do I trust it. I tend to feel uneasy hooking up with strange people online. I really prefer in person encounters.

It's kind of sad, but I don't feel like an adult. I should be an adult, but I don't act and sound like one. Mom understands that I might have arrested development, but my dad tells me to grow. I feel pressured to be someone I'm absolutely not. I should be ready for life, and I'm still struggling with that. 

Thing is, I never learned to move, pay for monthly bills and deal with household mechanics and facilities. I am a responsible person in some ways, but not in all ways. Although people tell me to grow up, they don't have my brain.

My dad talked me into starting a business a good 10 years ago. I worked for print shop and it was a disaster, I got let go within 5 weeks. I was 25 at the time. I wonder how well I'd do today. 

I expected to own a house and have kids at this point in my life. What happened to there? 

I'm just wondering if I was too busy living in "la la land" to make anything happen. 

I really that I got smart and did what I needed to do to survive. I never should've assumed that someone was going to help me out. Everybody basically carried on like I wasn't there. That's why I think my dreams are bullshit. 

The old belief system that I held on to was stupid. It didn't compare to real life matters. I didn't get socially involved and showed my face in the public scene, so nobody knew where I was. Like I didn't leave my comfort zone. 

My situation is getting serious. I really want to get a job soon, but I'm just sitting there, dithering. 

I didn't get it through me "that's just life." When I started attending OCADU, I was glowing with cheer that I'd be an accomplished full-time artist. AAAA Wrong. How are you going to pay for housing and food? Then I had to think of a practical alternative, but I picked the wrong career, which ultimately didn't work out. Now I'm deciding if I should wing it with a new job or return to college. Meanwhile my dad is getting closer to retirement. It's a nightmare come true. I didn't think this will happen, but it has. Like complacency got the better of me. 

I always wondered why I was so miserable when I was younger—I didn't understand what my problem was back then, and didn't realize I don't connect with people on just about any level. 

Good morning, Jess. You're right when you say you shouldn't assume people would help. But you also shouldn't assume no one would help either.

My situation is also getting worse by the minute. I'm also procastinating really bad. I spend a lot of my time on dating apps. And it's now a problem.

I'm actually not in the mood and interest to spend time on dating apps. I honestly do not date online. I'm not even a person for casual dating. I'm the type of person who just wants a steady relationship with someone. I think it's because I don't know how to relate with people on any level. I believe there is one particular person out there for me. I've never connected well with people in my whole life, actually.

I am very good at procrastinating, but it's getting bad for my health. I wake up feeling awful and need more coffee. I'm also very vexed about my future. And I'm self-conscious that I'm still not supporting myself and my parents are still spoon feeding me. 

What I fear is that I will keep on getting bumped off jobs, and eventually end up in a critical situation, as my parents get older. 

I'm considering starting this new program being run at my job development firm, only thing is that it's designed for people with disclosed disabilities. I am disabled in a way, by communication.

I was so naive. I see what everybody means. I'm not a mature and responsible, and realistic person who knows how to survive out there. 

I thought about having a family, but nobody ever comes along...I should've thought about this in the first place. 
Now I'm more interested in just focusing on myself and making sure I'm going to survive out there. As soon as I get a job placement. I'm hoping to move out by 36. 

I'm not in great shape, professionally. I have to catch up with skills and training. And I feel like I'm going to cry. I've haven't tailored my resume properly for every position I applied to since 2020. So the employers were probably trashing my resume. Plus my portfolio needs a load of improvement. 

Sometimes I wonder...if everybody else thinks I'm FROM another planet. 

First I get teased as a kid for being too quiet and looking stupid—and having shit for ears. Then I go out into the world of work and fail. My mom finds out about my daydreaming, so now she uses this as a perfect excuse whenever I do the stupidest things ever. I find out MD did me more harm than good, which is why I'm here. Now my dad is pressuring me to shape up and ship out. 

I've had so many jobs in my working life. I've even trained on the job, and whenever I got off the training wheels, I tended to act like it's day #1. Maybe I hesitated, not feeling ready to be unmonitored, due to having a disability. I feel that whenever I go into a new job and work with new people, ultimately I don't think and work independently without making a lot of errors. The the manager thinks I'm an idiot with issues. They all give me angry looks. I've had a couple bosses who wondered if my resume was real. 

It could be that I have big gaps in between my jobs, and when I'm job hunting, I start to go stagnant and let it slide. Then I get tired and slow. 

I'd like to give myself one more chance in a job opportunity that I can grow up and do it right, with all my strength, speed and willpower. 

I went out for a walk on this nice crisp fall afternoon. At first I felt hard feelings towards my own life, but after a good walk around the neighbourhood, I started to feel better about things. I learned to forgive and forget. There is no sense in being hung up on past events, all it does is hold you back. I understand that I let people down with my socially awkward behaviour, but that's just who I was as a person. I think maybe, they acted too rashly on me. Of course, I never saw them again, so who cares? I don't find this sort of thing a tragedy. But I do find it a tough lesson learned so I can move on with a brighter future. 

As a new year's resolution. I want to get socially involved way more, if it means attending social events and bar karaoke's every weekend. I do want to go look for my own tribe, and see if I can make a difference. 

Well, I'd like to think that you can discover that one person by putting yourself out there. Hence the dating apps. And well, you'd know if it doesn't work, you can come out. So do give it a shot and see how it works for you.

Yeah, I'm still in a hangover about the mess I made of my life while daydreaming. I could've gotten better grades in college, internships, and would've landed a job by now, but I messed up really bad. And COVID makes it look even worse.

Well, I am trying to put my foot out, and be the professional and independent person my dad wants me to be. I wish dad would see that we're in a pandemic, which makes it harder for me to achieve that goal. The point is that I should've sorted this out well in advance, Like I had years to make myself self-sufficient, before covid came out. Regardless, I had contracts that did not stick, and then I kept hopping onto another contract. Plus the housing here in Canada is not cheap. Millennials seem to be the worst generation ever for getting their act in gear. Plus I never found a romantic partner to co-inhabit a place with. 

I must admit that I wasn't working hard enough, and I received a load of realistic feedback coming from past employers about my work ethic and critical thinking skills. They felt I had no real design talent, and I didn't really know how to think like a designer. I don't even see myself work on any new projects, while I'm applying to all these design places. 

It's a nightmare when you wake up down the road with no life, because most of the time, you were gone in another world. Everybody is so pissed off that you weren't with them...probably took off for this very reason. You got to understand how you're making people feel around you. They're not going to be happy about it. 
I used to make a lot of people extremely angry at me, because I didn't communicate with them, and it was harder when my mind was traveling. The realization is quite sad, but I could've had a better life, with relationships and success, if I hadn't daydreamed at all. 

When I was in my youth, I wanted so badly to find a partner and be with him. Now, I care even more about myself these days. It's as though I neglected my life potentials, health and wellbeing, and cognition over the thought of being in a relationship. I should've focused on myself in the first place, and made sure I was financially stable and fine. Why did I dwell so hard on something that never comes along anyway? 

I get it that nobody found me normal just sitting there being so quiet. So they got frustrated and ignored me altogether. 

And I really wish that I did better in school! What in the hell was I thinking? I could've put my self in serious trouble. It's very hard to find employment and I might have to start over. 

I'm trying to put my finger on what happened, and why I struggle to move on, and make a difference in my life. I notice that I didn't make myself heard or seen by others. I just hid in my cocoon, which doesn't solve anything. Like you suggested, I should try dating apps and often go to meetups, which is something I seldom do. 

To be honest, I wasn't really listening to people when they advised me how to socialize. I remember being so introvert, self-kept and non-verbal, I got teased non-stop and everyone assumed I wasn't a smart person. It didn't really change as I merged into adulthood. To this day, I'm still the same old person who won't change. 

I could try to transform into a better person, and slowly become more extravert, but what baffles me is this damn pandemic. Fortunately, the pandemic is supposed to mellow out by summertime next year and will end next fall. Since everybody is getting their booster shots. 

It gives me hope to set new goals and change things about my own lifestyle. 

Everybody I grew up with on my street "moved on with it." I can't understand why I can't move on too. Mom thinks I don't understand the world outside of our house. As if she thinks I'll be stuck here for good. I don't see how this is necessarily true. If anyone can do it, I can do it too. 

I should've just took care of myself from the beginning, and not cared what anybody thought of me. What can I do about that? Why did I have to be so stupid, and believe in all these lies? I should've been upfront honest with myself. 

You're right, life does find a way...

I'm getting very discouraged. I keep on applying to jobs, but I don't ever get selected. My dad has been having talks with me on nights and weekends about what the problem is and wonders if my job developer is helping overcome this. Another plan is college courses, either this winter or spring. 

It blows my mind. All these years, I was living fictional lives with unreal friends. Meanwhile, on the outside, I was blowing up my chances to form real relationships and survive someday. MD gave me so much hope, made me feel happy and lulled me into complacency. When really, I landed in a shit load of trouble as a result. I wonder if I deserve this. 

I'm thinking as soon as I land a new position, if I can anytime soon, I'm going to get a real estate agent help me find a small bungalow or bachelors apartment. I shouldn't be in this situation anymore, and it's no wonder my dad is bugging me all the time. 

Quarantine is doing a number to my body. I wake up in a stiff, hunched-over, itchy, sore, headachy husk. It's been two hours now, and I still sit at my desk feeling comatose. I eventually clear up in the afternoons. But still, it's hard to work, think and read like this. 

When I was young, I thought I was going to have a wonderful life. Where did I go wrong?

Why shouldn't I start my own business? It's just working for people gives me the shivers. They eventually terminate me for all sorts of reasons. And everybody thinks the same way towards me. It's heartening that you want to grow in a field and get a move on, and there is all these roadblocks. One after the other. Do we have to be 50 years old to be independent these days?

Don't mind me, I blog a lot. You can read anytime. 

When you watch people exchange conversations at work or school, even watch people act out in a TV show. You'll notice that they are talking all the time. They never shut up. Inarguably, they are constantly expressing themselves, so there is no doubt they show their true intellect. They show their personality out loud and openly. 

Well, with me it was the opposite. I was always thinking to myself, but nothing was coming out of my mouth. I almost never expressed myself, unlike my peers, who actually showed their personalities. Possibly to them, I didn't have a personality or a voice. All they heard was silence, so they were always finding ways to make me talk openly to them. For some reason, I had this problem where I was living in my head a lot. So often, I didn't seem to realize that I was almost never opening my mouth. This could've been why kids cruelly tested me to see if I was really smart. 

When I became an adult, it didn't get any better. I was seen as sexually incompetent and undesirable, as I wasn't talkative and interactive. They just burned people up to an extent I was jerked on. I understand how I behave will drive people nuts, depending on how blatantly extravert they are. 

Although, I really believe that I'll meet a person who is just like me, and doesn't mind that I'm a humble person of few words, who doesn't particularly come forward on people. I think maybe I inherited my personality traits from my dad, who is soft spoken himself. 

Yeah, I just woke up and had a bath. Good morning, Jess.

Well, I'm still looking for jobs and my friends got placed, so it's hard for me too. Sorry I couldn't get back quickly these days. So if you don't mind, can we connect outside of Wild MInds too? Probably Instagram or Facebook. Also, because, I'm quite curious to see what you look like as well.

And hey, even I feel undesirable at times. I understand how you feel. I think you're attractive in your own ways, and beautiful too.