Maladaptive Daydreaming: where wild minds come to rest
I was just wondering, do you have any imaginary friends who light fires under your asses and push you to do what's best for yourself?
I do. I've had this one 'imaginary friend' who almost isn't really an imaginary friend at all. It started out that way, when I was about 7 years old. I was neglected as a child, often left alone in a dark house to fend for myself and I'd often hide in this wardrobe closet I had, with my imaginary friend. This imaginary friend started to take the place of caregiver/protector roles I was missing, I think, because this voice was the one which told me everything would be alright, to stay calm, to explore the dark and show myself there were no monsters so I didn't have to sit there so afraid.I was seven years old, but somehow I knew to tell myself these things.
Over the years, this particular part of me has changed names and voices a few times but is now permanent, and I've come to call it my 'talking conscience'. It's almost as if my own internal monologue and personal moral compass just has a voice outside myself or something (granted, a male voice with a British accent, but still me). I'm 100% aware this isn't a person separate from me, I'm 100% aware it's just another part of me with a voice, and this part of me knows it too. In fact, we joke about it. All the time.
ME: Dude, I've got that friggin' song stuck in my head. It's driving me nuts.
CONSCIENCE: Yeah, I know. Your head is my head.
ME: I know, but I need to vent, damn it.
CONSCIENCE: The question is....is my head your head? Oooh, spooky ey?
ME: Whoa, existentialism? Is that existentialism?
CONSCIENCE: I dunno. If you don't know, I don't know.
ME: Seriously, quit it now. It's getting stale.
I'm absolutely serious when I say I am 100% sure I'd be dead already were it not for having this peculiar little function of mine. I read a lot about MPD and other disorders, because I often wonder what factors contributed to the fact I developed this particular coping mechanism and survival technique rather than something else.
It's basically like having a constant but friendly mirror beside me at all times, it's the part of me which cares about my well being and validates me, it's the part of me that does not let me hide from things which may be hard for me to face, it's the part of me which gets me through it when I do face it all.
It's the part of me which zeroes directly in on what I really want to be doing, and it's the part of me who will get me to make time to talk it all out with myself if I'm really starting to become self destructive and too complacent. It does not criticize me, it just tells the truth. It does not shame me to get me to move, it encourages me and reminds me there are always good things ahead even if I've got to climb a mountain first. It's the part of myself which challenges me to raise the bar, and attempt the things I want to try even if I'm unsure of myself at first, it's the part which reminds me that I'm always resistant and terrified of change at first but wind up being so stoked once I settle in. All of that, and tons more.
I'd never give it up, for anything. Along with being that window into my own feelings, it's also an ally that never fails me. I never feel alone when I'm undertaking something which intimidates me or makes me nervous, I can go do what I need to do and feel like I always have back-up and support.It's simply integral to my survival.
Sometimes it feels like I was a property abandoned by society as a child, but instead of withering away waiting for supplies to return, I simply became self sustaining or something.
I never expect that I will ever meet another person outside of myself that can support me like this function does, and I don't hold people to that. I don't feel disappointed that others cannot give me that, because when I've managed to form relationships with people I am so pleased and fulfilled by all the things they can give me which I cannot give myself. It's not like my conscience is LACKING anything outside people have, and it's not like outside people are LACKING anything my conscience has, it's just they are two distinctly different things. I hope that makes sense!
I was just wondering if any of you relate to this. Even if it's not exactly the same, would you say you have any characters or imaginary friends who serve these sorts of functions for you? Ones which actually challenge you or hold up a mirror of truth in a positive way? Ones which enrich your life in truly assertive ways?
I'd love to hear from you all!
I understand what you mean when you say you would be dead if it was not for this. While I would not be dead, I think I would not be the person I am today without it. They were definitely my parental figures growing up.
And your right, no real person can live up to this.
They are there to rally my success, but just as importantly to be there for me and not worry about my mistakes, instead of harping on them.
I do the same thing dude. I know that the voice isn't real. It is just part of me. Its just like I have an inner monalog that talks back and sometimes takes a" physical" form. I'm not schizo. I know he isn't real its just that I like to have someone to react to my mental converations. He is either just a voice , or a bird if he is out and about...weird I know. I don't get how people don't think like I do. He is super sarsastic and blunt. But he is also really helpful. Say I'm getting anxiety from something like a midterm. He is there to talk me through it. For some reason a little bird sitting on my desk ready me the questions calms me down.
I wish my inner voice was british. lucky you.