Where wild minds come to rest
Hey, im thomas and I just joined this group like this year. Sorry if my english is bad, im from brazil and my english isnt my first language. Well im actually very glad that im not the only one with Md so when I discovered that there was a group about Md I really needed to join in. Man I think I have Md since I was 4 years old when I used to live in german. I actually remember being behind a couch kissing an imaginary girlfriend wich is kinda scary if u think about that I was 4 years old and later I would have nightmares with her. Well when I was older like 5 I went to live i brazil and I kinda lost all my friends back in german, that moving out drama from when ur a kid. So for a while a had no friends and the daydreams started to happend more. Well I got some friends but we started to play that we were some cartoon characters from Super Robot Monkey Team Hyperforce Go! (yeah i just copy pasted that) and it really made the whole md thing stronger for me. So whener I had to do homework or any other boring school thing I md over it. Well I remeber my mom was pretty mad at me because I didnt do any of my homework, actually I would jusy stare at my homework while my mind was pretending I was spider man or anything like that. Well this was kinda frustrating for me, but it wasnt really a big deal because there werent a lot of homework and they were all like painting stuff and writing 2 or 3 sentences. But later on when I was 6 or 7 I moved to another city and then things got bad. The first weeks I had no friends at all. Well then I remember some kids in the class invited my to play with some marble balls (i dont know if thats the name in english its bolas de gude in portuguese kinda like small balls that are transparance they were a thing in brazil) so, I think I did this because I thought it would be funny or to draw some attention but i put the marble balls in my nose and then the rest of the kids thought that i was disgusting. And then, the worst years of school started. I really had almost no friends back then and it got really lonly. I had one kid that I talked to and there was another kid that hang out with but he really was kind of strange. I mean once I was in his house and he pooped in his garden in front of me. I mean that was really disturbing and I never really like him as my old friends but I guess it was my only true friend and we did have a good time besides all the shit. Well the years passed and the md got stronger. Homework got harder and it was starting to get complicated.I was starting to sit in the last sits in the class and pretend I was sleeping to actually md. I remember when things were getting bad I made a friend that lived in the same building than me and he really saved me. Well we played some video games and some soccer and my mom wouldnt let me play with him until I finished my homework to so there was some less md. But eventually we moved to another place and I lost contact with him. At that time I think I was 8 or 9 years old. I remember because my friend was 10 already and he sad that he clould be ben 10 already. I also started to play piano too at that time (it helps me a lot until today) and i started some other hobbys like sailing or swiming but I didnt really like them as the piano and I eventually stop them some 1 or 2 years later. I also started to play more video games in the pc and in the ps2 so I guess I was starting to get used to my life. I was starting to get along with the kids in my class too. My strange friend moved out too and I lost contact with him. In this time I never really stoped with md it was like a little secret that I haved. I never talked with anybody about it and it got more intense if i may say so. I could just sit there and image a cenario about the cartoon or video game that i played but that didnt really gave me the edge. What was really good was to lock myself in the bathroom where no one would see me and then just start to daydream about it with passion like almost jumping and doing some weird poses. It was really a good feeling to do this and my leg got really strong because of it. Like nobody gets why im skinny but that my legs are huge. But anyway, I also got some bad md that were really scary. I think because I watch the ring and then I got really scared because it reminded of my old imaginary girlfriend when I was 4 years( I know it sounds funny but I was a kid ok?) So that movie still scares me the shit out until today. But well when things were starting to get fine unyil i moved to another school. New class, new life I thought. I think i was 11 or 12 at that time. But man, it sucked. Thank god im not in that school anymore I have to say that. First year in that school still wasnt that bad. The school just had open up for some more earlier grades so everybody was new there. We were the first earlier class in that school. And the classes were so boring oh god. So I wanted a bright new beginnig. I wanted to be popular, to have a lot of friends, to have a girlfriend, go to parties and all that. And guess what, nothing of that happend. I tried to be the center of the attention and all, but man that did not end well. At first people started to think I was funny and all but pretty quiqly they started to make fun of me. And for someone that was despretly trying to have some attention it was fine u know. U made some joke about someone and then someone makes a little joke about u, and so on. But for someone like me back then that wanted to be acepted, the joke didnt hurt me at first, but it started to make me unconftable. And well, i startes to talk less, to make less jokes, and then whenever i tried to "sleep" in the class for the md someone started to throw a pen at me to wake me up. And remember some people started to ask why I slept so much in classes and a that, and than they startes to make fun of me, and when I realize i was being bullied. I think that process took like one year or so. It wasnt that kind of bully that the kids just beat u up u know, and I think that at the beginning it still couldnt be consider bulling. I still talked to them and all but most of the pranks were on me, most of the jokes were about me, and now that I think about it, It was because I never got mad at these jokes or pranks so they just kept doing it. At some point I started to slowly be more isolated and started to talk less. The mds got really bad too. I was md in the bathroom for like 2 or 5 hours per day. Of course most of it was at night so my parents wouldnt notice it so i didnt get enought sleep, and then i started to really sleep at the classes because i was tired. So at some point I stop talking with my other "friends" at class wich made everything worst too. Like I remember some classmate saying like man what is wrong with u just stop talking with everybody u just sleep at classes and i know we made fun of u sometimes but we are kinda worry and all. I think in that time I should have open myself more i guess, but all i say to him that I was just a little tired and I remember he said like thats all u have to say about it? At that time I think I was like 14. And well so it went for the rest of the school. Me just sleeping in classes being bullied like getting water thrown at the end of the class when I didnt woke up, playing video games and studing when I got home, I really started studing so I could keep up school and then at night i would just md until 2 or 3 am to wake up at 6 am. I think I got out to a party like 3 times but it pretty much sucked at that time. I got into anime that time too. But I think in the last year of school I got really depressed. I started to think about suicide and sometimes I cried when I went to bed. I dont know if md is good or bad thing for me, but at that time I really needed it. I remember that there were the exams to get to collage but I wasnt nervous at all with it. I made the exams and I remember that I was like thats what I know and lets just see where it goes. I was so depress that I didnt cared about collage at all. Then when I finished school, I was about 17 and I luckly passed to one of the best collages in my city. Well it was really good for me. I think I needed some changes in my life. Now I think Im much healthier than I was before. I only md when im taking a bath or when im bored. I guess its just one or 2 hours per day and its not at night so I actually sleep now. And i think because now im not that worry about other opinion like i was before made me much more sociable too. Like thay anxity of tring to think about what should u say was so heavy. When u dont think about it the conversation just flows is much better. And i made some really good friends in my collage too. But I got a bad habit from them, I started to smoke so I really need to stop that, but i will stop when I finish collage ( I guess). I go out sometimes with some of them and I learn the hard way on how to drink alcahool. I have some friends that play dungeons and dragons and thats really fun, especially for someone like my that have md. U can really get into the fantasy with ur friends and its really good, even better than my normal md. Now im 20 been 3 years since I went to collage. But now my parents were thinking about moving to europ, really because brazil is in a real shitty situation. So i could go and finish collage there but now that I finally got some friends that I really care about I would have to leave them and I know there facebool and all but I may never even see them again. And i know I could make some other friends there and all but its like every time things are starting to go well i have to go away and move to another place. So yeah I was just bored and stress because of that so I decided to spend 2 hours writing my hole life story because I know the best option is to move to europ but I still dont want to move out so i dont know what to do. If read everything man I love and u dont have to reapond it.
Have you heard of paragraphs? ..lol! I think a few to break up the text would help (in the right places of course, I'm assuming you learn about paragraphs even writing in another language?)
I guess as you're 20 years old, isn't that considered an adult in Brazil? You could stay behind if you had a job and maybe go to night school yourself if you wanted to? I've never been to Brazil so I've no idea what opportunites are available where you are.
Maybe look at what you could do if you stayed and compare that with what you could do if you went to college in Europe? ..better paid job maybe? If you got good job and good money you could always save to go back to Brazil in a few years to visit your friends again.
If it's a safety thing too then I'd definitely prefer to go to somewhere safer to go to college. Like you say there's Facebook and whatsapp, video chat's, chat rooms etc, flights are much cheaper these days.
Maybe if where you are is so dangerous your friends may like to visit you once you are settled in Europe and have an holiday with you? Or you could meet somewhere half way between for an holiday together?
Maybe if you and your friends decide on a day/time (don't forget any time differences!) to meet on video chat before you go away it will make you feel more confident? Think of it as a temporary thing in your mind just while you go to college and tell yourself you could always go back to Brazil after college if you really wanted to.
I suspect though once you got settled in Europe and felt much safer you'll probably find as time goes on that you're not so bothered about returning to somewhere so dangerous.
Wow, I am seriously impressed by your ability to remember your daydreams and childhood when you are that small; I don't think I even have heard of the term "girlfriend" before 6, let alone developing a story at that age. In most case I heard from others is that they maybe imaginary as kids also, but not only until age 8-10 people would start md(I started at about 8).
From the words you written, I guessed you probably found your solution already, and is probably from your experience, that you finally understand how interactions work between people. I think I learn it in a similar way like you, with a little bit less issues, all in all I think I can relate it a little to bit. It is mostly about just to be yourself, while at the same time not making yourself looks too different, I guess :P. Also, don't let the old, shitty experience be your obstacles, and you will be fine no matter your choice is to europe or staying at brazil.