So February was different... Not like I planned, lots of crying at my therapist, new insights and plans... I have never in my life been this honest with anyone, and it freaks me out! I have this recurring nightmare that I've had since childhood, in the dream I'm falling from a great height into icy dark water. I always jerk awake seconds before I hit the water. There is no logical explanation for why i have this dream. But the fact that I do, makes me really afraid of the combo. So the last time Elizabeth and I went to the pool we made a stop at their highest diving platform (7m up) in order for me to conquer this fear. I did jump, twice but in no way did I conquer the fear. Actually I think it made it worse. 
 Every time I give up one of my heavily guarded secrets it feels like I'm back on that wretched platform. Heart pounding, knees shaking, shutting of my brain, forcing myself to take a tiny step into nothingness and waiting for the impact. 
Each session is one hour, it leaves me empty and raw... It is the  reason for my absence and lack of posting here. I miss it, and I miss you! I just can't post anything about the mess in my head right now... 
Rox great job and happy birthdays :) Sasi, 30day shred, going strong- wow! I'm really proud of you ladies :) Jules welcome aboard! Elizabeth how are you? As for me, march started with a makeover, new hairstyle and new makeup, summer plans are set! Booked two glorious weeks in NYC visiting friends. Finally a small yet crucial puzzle piece in merging dd with my real self. I'm my DDs my character owns a gorgeous sexy red silk kimono. In real life I have a pink fleece robe, very comfy but also very hard to to look sensual or dangerous  in... So when my parents went to Shanghai this past week on some business and asked if I wanted anything I jumped at the opportunity. I gave them general guidelines and boy did they deliver :) they went to "silk king" a tailor and silk store (popular with head of states) and got a bright red, patterned with peacocks and cherry blossom, stunning, way way to expensive, silk kimono that surpasses anything I had in my DDs! I love it, because they picked it out for me, it's origin intrigues and inspires me. But most of all because I see myself in it. Wearing it while kissing my future husband goodbye in the morning, wearing it while rocking our baby to sleep, sitting in it and going over my dissertation in bed ... It holds such promise of a future where I'm living my dreams, the leading lady of my life! 

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Hey guys, I am very impressed by your motivation to excercise. And just your plain motivation in general. But actually I'm doing ok today, at the moment. I've sent in my resume and key selection criteria for new job. 10 hours a week is perfect for me, as long as it isnt one 8 hour day. Bits of the week is better.

Wow, off to the Middle East! How cool. I am impressed. That reminds me (well its not really related but) I watched the movie called "Desert Flower" last night. How heart breaking! You cannot be a woman and not be touched by it. It really made me see that even though I struggle, I have NO idea of how life is for other people out there. Female circumcision. Not good. I cried my eyes out! A touching story of courage and strength, but the sad fact remains that it still goes on today. It makes me want to go out there and help someone. Help someone else by doing something (not sure what). Need to get well first.

But, maybe I can do something online? I dont have heaps of money, but I feel like my heart was created to care and be there for others. I think I'd forgotten. Anyhow, will talk again soon. xo

March 29.  Currently at the airport, finally off.  First, having 10days off is a lovely and a bit daunting prospect. My days are usually heavily booked and I make do with the time that's left. As always I have a fear that all this unscheduled time will go to waste in dd. So to counter this I need to have some structure and keep up with my digital journaling. That's the other thing, I'm going off the grid. No cellphone, Internet or connection with m usual world. It's a complete change of physical and mental environment. I think it will be good for me. 
Jules- working part time and volunteering  sounds like a lovely idea. Just be sure to keep your strength up for your recovery! 
Happy Easter! /Lightman 

You may not get this in time but.... Happy Easter to you too! Hope you enjoy your trip. xo

I'm thinking about what to do this weekend. And a lot of my thoughts are leading to anxiety right now. But I can't just lock myself away for the day. Come-on now! I might get outside (it's a lovely sunny day) and do some cleaning outside. I actually find it theraputic to see something become clean. Crazy.

But I also need to plan for something fun. I don't know what though. Any ideas? I really find it hard to get into stuff.

Take care all! xo

I have gotten really involved with Obama campaign here.  Any political issues you feel passionate about?  Being around others who are like-minded can feel very empowering.

Light - I can't believe you are going tech-free.  I haven't looked up you-know-who in quite a while now.  Was going to yesterday & said, no, everything is going so nice with him, let's just forget that.  Thanks, Sasi. 

My tests were negative, but many of my symptoms remain, so who knows?  I'm planning a trip to Florida to see my Mum for Easter.  Will fly into Orlando, where a lot of protests are going on around the Trayvon Martin case.  I may have to join riots myself.  I used to be quite politically active in that way, and I'm proud to say I have been arrested several times in my life for "radical" activity.  I grew up in the seventies and was so hopeful that life was going to be so much fairer.  

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