A week before Halloween - 10/27/14. I quit...

A lovely woman was coming to visit me in a few days. I had just realized how truly alone I was, and how great it felt having someone mean something to me so much...how much I'd love to be WITH someone. And I realized then, that if I were to do this, to truly, honestly, prepare, I had to exist in the present, and stop pretending I was elsewhere. I had to stop pretending that things were always 'alright' and that no matter what, I could 'escape' and never face my fears, however big or small they may be. I now have to face them, and you know what? I'm scared. I'm scared of what the future holds. I'm scared of what will happen between us, as the days pass, and I begin to realize more and more about myself that I've suppressed for so long. But that's okay. It's okay not to know...because you can never know everything, so why worry about it when it hasn't even happened yet?

Who knows what will come. But all I know is what my therapist told me today, after I told her everything: "You've spent 13 fuckin' years in your head, over 'there'. It's time to spend the rest of it here, in the present."

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I think we do detox when we break away from daydreaming and it makes me anxious and irritable for days.  Or longer. 

Trouble is, eventually, sometimes months later (I have never managed an entire year) I fall back into them and the cycle starts again. Right now I am detoxing and the stress and anxiety are making me cross and irritable.

This is not to ignore the very heart felt posts that you two have written.  I feel that I understand what you are both saying as I have experienced similar periods in my life.


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