I make faces when I daydream

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes at the dinner table, my mom serves food, but she notices that my eyes close or I smile for no apparent reason, and she throws a curt remark. My mind is not quite there, for a split second, so I make faces. Usually I grin, because the story is sassy or intriguing. But, I don't know I'm doing it, only everyone else can see what goes on with my face. So, the person will be like, "You were staring at me and laughing." I wouldn't have any idea what they're talking about...because the moment was for five seconds. 

My family isn't the first, I've had formative school peers that saw my face, and immediately wonder what's so funny, and most of them didn't want to be my friend, because it looks so very strange. Most people in the norm are usually interactive, exuberant and outspoken, so they find me really weird. They don't understand why I sit there all quietly, and seemingly act like I'm somewhere else. But then, they laugh at me for appearing like a "loner" and wonder if I have friends, or even a man. 

I think that I made everyone a little too uncomfortable. My bad. 

[Jessica Ballantyne]

Sometimes, I think that I took my MD way too far. I was supposed to pay attention to life. Instead I wanted to go and disappear into my head, and for years. It's like to walked into a booby trap. I remember I started it, because I wanted attention that I wasn't getting. But there's so much truth to reality that I didn't come to see, while I was distracted by my daydreams. People were honestly trying to be my friend or at least get my attention, and I was too quiet, which made me look abhorred, dumb and unfriendly, not to mention very boring. I lost out on 1/3 a life of opportunities, such as having a social life and dating. Pretty damn sad. I'm 34 and single with no kids. Lately, my dad got passive aggressive and critical on me, because I still live with him and mom, not doing anything about earning my independence and caring about my finances. He even told me that I'm not acting like a grown up and that really cut deep. To top it, he reminded me that complacency gets me nowhere, and I've been doing this for years. After our argument I was hard on myself and even had a few panic attacks—and on Christmas week of all times. Eventually, I learned to relax. So I'm OK. I thought I'd wind down soon. I'm confident that my new year won't be as horrendous as I think, in comparison to 2020. I learned so much by being in quarantine for several months. I'm aware that we're all freaking out during COVID.