First, an introduction. If you're just here because you're not an MDDer and saw my title or have made it past MDD, skip to the giant, bolded line break
Background/My MD story
I'm currently healing from MDD. It's been going pretty well so far, surprisingly. (Almost a month.)
However, I've been worrying today & yesterday that I might not be doing as well as I thought.
So first thing you should know: Unlike what it seems for most of MDDers, my daydreams/fantasy worlds weren't self-created. They were fandoms, with my favorite character starring as the hero with therest of the cast of whatever fandom it was. I would never be an OC or in it, I was never part of it (As I'm typing this, I'm thinking maybe this is part of the reason it's been easier for me than most to stop the MDD? Because I was never in them?) Sometimes, if I had any OCs at all, which was rare, they'd be similar to my friends, but never me. Moving on.
Part of me is afraid, thinking that I just have to live with it and that it can't be fixed, or that that is what the comment to this will say. But I know that it can be fixed & that you can live without it. I read at least two people's stories of recovering and how they did it. I know many others who are trying, many who have gotten much better.
I need to know what normal daydreaming is. This is why it has to be non-MDers or people who have moved on/fixed the issue.
The frustration with MDD is that everyone daydreams, so you can't just tell yourself to "Stop Daydreaming." Everyone daydreams, and this is the problem. So far, what I've been daydreaming about instead (again, because everyone daydreams, but most people not as an addiction) is
- Conversations that I've had with people
- TV shows or movies I've watched recently (if you saw my part eariler about fandoms, I am not thinking about these in a fandom, new-storyline way. More just as I like the show and saw it recently and I liked this one scene)
But the ones that I thought were helping and am now worried about are
- Future conversations I want to have with people
Example: I just think of something I saw or of a funny joke that I just thought of and think of myself saying it to a friend
- Picturing future self
Example: I am currently looking into colleges [high school junior] and when planning college visits, sometimes I'll just sort of imagine (not a storyline, just more imagery) what it'd be like to talk on campus, look at the dorms, ask questions to students and staff, etc.)
I'll also do this when thinking about what I want to do as a career. My dad jokes that I should be an activist, I thought that I may make a good computer programmer. When either of these things come up, I'll just take a second to imagine myself, maybe leading a protest or sitting at a desk, encoding some website.
- Being good at the things I'm learning
Example: I am currently learning archery & longboarding. Whenever it's a nice day out and I think that I should practice longboarding (basically skateboarding) but would rather just watch youtube or talk to friends, I visualize/picture myself just doing it in the future, just knowing how and doing it well and imagining passerbys taking a look (as I was when people skateboarded past my house, the reason I wanted to learn)
And archery. I'll just usually picture/imagine myself pulling/drawing and hitting the bullseye, with some nondescript person nearby being impressed.
Not sure if this is important, but usually this does motivate me too go out and practice.
- Showing things to people
Emaple: You know those people you want to be friends with but you can't for whatever reason? Too old, too cool, etc? I'll see something in real life that I wish they could see but can't show them, because again, I'm not technically their friend, and I'll just imagine/picture myself showing them the thing, and then they're happy with the thing I showed them and might want to be my friend.
I don't know if these are becoming my new, shorter daydreams. That's why I'm asking for help. I need to know that I am fixing the problem, not just replacing it. Here are the reasons below that I'm not sure which it would be.
Reasons I'm concerned:
- Most people have the "ideal self" MDD, and, as mentioned, some of these are picturing myself in the future doing well at sometime. (Worried that I'm just replacing the way I did MDD with another way people have MDD)
- Also worried about the "impressed passerby" because in my daydreams, although a specific cast, they would be impressed when the main character did something well
- Also, in my MDD daydreams, I would often have the main character share things with others (like the last one I mentioned.) and then the other characters would think it was funny or be impressed. Although these are shorter and less specific and don't play out like a movie, me showing them something (usually just a youtube video I saw) I often imagine them then wanting to be my friend.
Reasons I'm not concerned:
- Short, don't listen to music
- Don't do it for hours on end
- No "storyline"
- No repetitive motion
- Don't play out like a movie
- Don't do it every free chance I get
I know this was super long, but if you made it to the end I salute and thank you will all my heart.
MY FINAL STATEMENT IS THIS: If you have healed, have started to heal, or don't have MDD, I NEED TO KNOW- What do you daydream about (general themes or specific ideas welcome), and are my current daydreams I listed above just a different form of MDD or normal?