I've always been ashamed of my ability to recreate characters to suit my level of happiness or rather unhappiness and my interactions with them. I wouldn't dare telling a soul about what I do in my head (they would perhaps think I am a bit loony).
Like Theaxe, my characters are loosely based on real life people. I create the lead (myself) based on a mixture of characters from various movies. When I'm happy am a "the hot, rich, cool, sexy, funny, all he has it" that every teenager hopes to be and every parent dreads. (It is very rare to find me playing this role cause i usually daydream when I'm feeling pessimistic)
When I'm depressed I tend to be the darker version of the above character. A boy/girl with an abusive childhood, addiction to the meds etc.
But at times if my mood changes in between, the character ends up being rich and successful, unlike what happens in real life to most people who maybe drug addicts.
I tend to come across celebrities, who seem to have it all regardless of whether they do in reality and recreate myself based on these characters.
Today I read the account of a boy with an insecure childhood, mother a heroine addict who encouraged him to turn to needles. The boy was in a band and died at a young age due to overdose. Despite his unfortunate life, I took his character and story and remoulded it to my liking.
Mind you I don't take drugs, smoke or even drink. I've had a pretty secure childhood, and am secure in my skin. However, I feel the dire need to be the character in my real life or someone else. My uneventful life has to be blamed for it according to me. My mom wants to know the friends whom I will be hanging out with if I tell her that Ive made plans with them.
I fear that if I let people in my life or anyone who knows my real identity to know about my MD, I would have to kill them (just kidding)
I'm glad I shared this with you lot, I feel much better now compared to how I felt this morning kudos to the boy in the band.
I’ve only ever told two people. Two friends of mine, one of which also says she has MD. I tried explaining to the other friend (the one without MD) what exactly it was and she didn’t quite understand it, but thought it was cool nonetheless and said she wished she had it. My other friend, the one with MD, briefly explained her “world”. It’s cool to know that at least there's one other person in my life who perhaps has it. The friend without MD seldom asks us about it and has most likely forgotten about it. She doesn’t care too much, just thinks it’s cool.
In regards to my family and the rest of my friends, I have not told them. I haven’t told the rest of my friends because I just don’t think they’ll care or think I’m lying or something. Or they’ll just call me weird and tell me to start being normal. The latter goes for my family as well. I know my mum will definitely want to take me to a doctor or say that I am doing it to get attention.
The rest of my family will most likely start making jokes and assumptions that it’s all fake or they’ll think I’m really weird and start talking about me amongst each other.
It’s not even so much the disbelief which worries/angers me. It’s more so the comments and the questions that’ll come along with it. Like, I don’t think I’d ever be able to actually describe my “world” to them. It’s just too personal and I’m afraid they’d criticize it and stop talking to me. I don’t even like people going through my music and photos, as most of it has to do with my chracters and MD. As mentioned above by Theaxe, it feels as if they’re probing into my world, somewhere in which they don’t belong unless I’ve said so. I feel exposed and once they get a peek into the inner workings of your mind, unless authorized, you feel as if something terribly wrong has just occurred and there’s no going back. At least that’s how I feel. Maybe I’m a bit overdramatic.
Also, some of my characters are gay and bisexual and my family is very homophobic so I don’t think that would go over well with them.
Overall, it’s just easier if I don’t tell anyone because then I can avoid all the annoying questions and comments that come along with it. Another thing which I think makes all the more difficult is it not being and officially recognized disorder or such. It’s already hard enough for people with recognized mental illnesses to get diagnosed and get the support/help they need. The fact that MD isn’t even recognized as such, doesn’t help much in the department of trying to tell others.
Anyways, thanks for hearing me out. I’ve been in bed all day day dreaming (I’m not a pacer, I tend to lay in bed and dream). It’s 6 pm right now and I haven’t left my room once. I feel better now.