Where wild minds come to rest
When I'm in a public place, I often daydream that someone is seeing what I'm actually doing. The "someone" is usually a crush or a person I wish to impress — sometimes the "someone" is a group of people I wish to impress. The "someone" could also be a person I want to get closer with. I never do anything particularly amazing, I'll just go about my normal business and pretend I'm thinking the thoughts of the person (or the people) looking into my life. If I do something I think will repel them or make them think less of me, I restart their view into my life. I even had a countdown for a while — I'd go 3, 2, 1… and then they'd be looking in again. I usually restart the scenario over and over because I never get the perfect moment for them to look into. Does anybody else do this?
Yeah, I've done this many times. It doesn't form the core of my MDD, but I've definitely gotten caught up in thinking that my crush is peeking in on my life. Oftentimes that crush is a famous person. I make up this whacky scenario where my crush has somehow gotten the opportunity to peek in on the life of the person they are some day going to fall in love with (me), and they are seeing everything as I am seeing it, through my eyes. Hearing the things I hear. The examples that are sticking out in my mind are times when I've been driving. I imagine how impressed they'll be by my taste in music, and how they'll be trying to guess where I could possibly be by looking at the interstate signs as I pass them by.
Oh gosh, just typing all of that out makes me cringe so hard. I hope that one day I'll be able to judge myself less harshly for it.
I used to have celebrity crushes when I was younger. Whenever I was in an intense and embarrassing situation, I always felt my crush was peering at me and shaking his head at how far from perfect my life is. Then he'd carry on to seeing other models and actresses who are certainly not me. I was always so afraid of what my crush would earnestly think about my life.
Nowadays I don't have crushes on celebrities, because I'm waiting around for the real person I'm supposed to be with.
I have been doing this for years! And it sounds pretty much exactly like how you described it. Almost as though you've taken the words straight from my mouth! It's crazy how you don't even fully realise you're doing something/something exists until you hear someone else say it, like this right here. I feel a lot less alone/crazy knowing I'm not the only person in the world doing this.
This happens to me all the time. I work alone at my computer desk in my office, and my job is home based. Anyway, I had a very troubled childhood. In the past, I didn't ever start the problems, such as the bickering and taunting. The bullies did that! It's just I was a very intelligent, gifted and talented girl who was misunderstood. I appeared stupid, unfriendly and stand-offish, but everybody around me brought it to a whole new level, and gave me a horrible time about it. So, I have these reoccurring day mares where I defend myself from others who don't like me very much. Sometimes, the day mares feel so real, and I suddenly feel as if a crowd of people are looking at me and talking to me in a manner that is not nice at all. So, I'll start to get sweaty, hot and fidgety. Sometimes, I'll start to feel extremely self-conscious. I'll even suddenly stop my work and go out for a walk with my dog.
I clearly understand that people do have to grow up and learn what they did was unnecessary. I'm sure these people moved on and even forgot their situation that did involve me. I'm sure that I'm just suffering from bad memories and allowing them to come spring on me like looming shadows. Those bratty kids that I knew are now grown ups, or those older jerks that manipulated me, they probably changed a bit since then. Hopefully.
I've been seeing a healer a couple times, so she really changed my energy, made it positive and now I think much better. I also meditate for 10-20 minutes a day, which really helps.