Where wild minds come to rest
I was thinking about that today the distract of contact wz reality produce day by day apathy ...I mean like when we DD to feel less pain we feel also less connection less happiness ...I think that you can read about feeling and also you be present (the power of now ) ..We don't loss contact wz reality so it is okay we can gain it back
You sound depressed. Depression can infect us in a way that it tricks us into thinking this is really who we are, it's not, it's the depression. I'm super new to discovering my MDD and it's something that once it was explained there was like this missing "X" in the equation of my life that had suddenly been equated. I think for me, personally, I use my escapism or MDD to run away from myself. It hadn't occurred to me just how insecure I actually am and how much work I actually need to do for my self-esteem, I have an outward appearance of confidence, but inside I know it’s really bravado. ...and it's hard b/c like you I often think a.) I have no purpose and b.) I have no purpose b/c I have no passion. but in my fantasy world I have plenty of passion and therefore plenty of purpose. The way I have to remind myself to look at it is "If my idealized Day dream self can have these passions then so can I" - These emotions are inside of me, I just think I'm really uncomfortable with emotions (strong ones especially) so I tend to place them on my "fantasy self" b/c I view her as being somehow better equip, also I can control the situation.
I guess short story long, I think MDD has served you has a coping mechanism for this depression, but it's obviously not helping anymore, but if you can fantasize about these emotions you do still have them, you have to ACKNOWLEDGE them. I know I tend to day dream away emotions, mostly the bad ones, but much like a drug sooner or later the good ones start going too...In my mindfulness practice if someone is under anxiety and they get, say a physical pain (I carry stress in my shoulders) so I usually will get a physical pain in my right shoulder, the technique to overcome it, is to actually FOCUS ON IT. It seems counterproductive to focus on that which you want to go way doesn't it? but here's the kicker, it works!? When you notice you’re day dreaming ask yourself why? are you bored? is there something happening around you in "real life" that is making you uncomfortable? if you’re day dreaming away something, ask yourself why and really focus on that "thing" that you are trying to make go away with your day dream.
For me boredom and loneness and insecurity are usually what I am trying to escape. So when I notice this I focus on the actual feeling…believe me, it kinda sucks, but I keep hearing it will get better. I ask myself the “WHYs” why am I feeling lonely? What is it about this that I don’t like. I think if I can look at it in a more objective way I can start to understand it and it will become easier to feel again. I cut myself off from emotions for a very long time, for very good reason, that reason is no longer valid and this coping mechanism of day dreaming is no longer serving it’s purpose, I owe it to myself to at the very least just try something different.
I mean I know I'm not sociopathic because I feel bad watching animals or people get killed or tortured but I lack any empathy for peoples emotions, wants, and needs. I literally do not care about anything or anyone besides myself and having enough clothes. Whenever people come to me for help or to talk emotionally I force out a superficial front and act like I care but after a while the appearance starts to slip and you can tell my interest is fleeting. My need for approval and fear of confrontation is the only thing that keeps me like a decent citizen who is likeable to the people that I barely know instead of a rude cold hearted b*** that is arrogant and bossy or who I truly am