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I'm suffering from maladaptive daydreaming. I cannot remember when it first started in my life. If I guess it right, it is probably in my early teenage years. It feels like it got worse over time, more and more frequently, as the years go by. 

I'm in my thirties and I'm married. I daydream about actors. I always daydream about one actor at a time, over several years, all day, and switch for another one, when I don't feel anything about that actor.

I daydream even when my husband is around. Sometimes, I failed to listen to my husband. It happens often and he gets mad at me. He thinks  I'm not interested about what he has to say. I told him I had a lack of concentration. He knows which actors I have a crush on, but doesn't know I think about them 24h a day, 7 days a week. He doesn't know I dont take care about myself, don't clean the place and exercice because I watch videos, read about actors I'm obessed with, when he's gone. If he would, he wouldn't be with me.

If I would stop daydreaming about the actor I really  like right now, it would feel like I'm breaking up with someone. I would become bored and possibly depressed, because that excitement of being with him would be gone. I would be in the present, at my job, and be bored because I really don't like to work. 

I am, at least, not obsessed to the point of trying to contact them, meet them in an inappropriate manner. I'm not mad or strongly jealous about them having someone in their life. Quite the opposite, I'm happy for them. I'm not in love with them, but I surely like them very much. 

Basically, it is ruining my life and if I stopped I might become depressed.

Judy

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It's a painful feeling. I get and understand it all too well. Obviously it takes two to tango, but my wife has been emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. Wanting to leave and separate was almost a bi-monthly occurrence for her. I find myself unable to provide her what she needs to thrive in a marriage, hence why she explodes. While there's so much history and back story that I won't get into, we probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. We don't have much in common at all and desire different things in life. I think we lost ourselves early on when our child was diagnosed with Autism. We put everything into him, sacrificing our relationship. Over the years I have been trying to please her, but that has always blown up in my face. I realized too many years down the road that we are all responsible for our own happiness. We shouldn't look to others to fill our bucket. So about 3-4 months ago I just became numb. I see her trying to fix the relationship, but I just can't muster the same in return. I'm literally just riding along as a disinterested passenger. Sorry for the pretext, but it kind of paints a picture of my motivations in getting lost in my head. About 2-3 months ago I saw this sketch of this woman. I view it a few times each day and have basically created a totally different life within my mind. I used to be really good at kicking these thoughts out, but I'm now overwhelmed with them. I know all too well that no matter who you meet in this life, it will never compare to the beautiful world we create internally. This depresses me a bunch. The funny thing is, I'm generally a happy person. It's just been so hard that past few months. 

Give yourself some slack... The good thing is at least you're fantasizing about actors rather than a co-worker or family friend. Knowing that the person is unattainable gives a small sense of relief, and keeps you safe. 

Judy said:

I feel ashamed because I'm still daydreaming about guys even at my age. I thought I would have get over it when I would have met someone, but I didn't. I'm tired of living a double life like you, as you mentioned it. I think, in your case, not having a great relationship with your wife and having a sick child, you are normal. It helps get through your day. If you would find a way to have a better relationship with your wife, maybe you would stop DD. 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, since you have a good reason to do so. Me, my relationship is not perfect, but not to the point of DD. So, I feel like I'm a bad wife, because I think about an actor all day. If my husband would do that, I would think that he doesn't love me. I feel sick that I desire another man, so much, that I wish I  would know the feeling to be really with him. It almost like I'm cheating, but I'm not.


Finrod Felagund said:

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

what everyone said same here. also married in 30s never stopped. i feel exactly as you do.

Judy said:

I feel ashamed because I'm still daydreaming about guys even at my age. I thought I would have get over it when I would have met someone, but I didn't. I'm tired of living a double life like you, as you mentioned it. I think, in your case, not having a great relationship with your wife and having a sick child, you are normal. It helps get through your day. If you would find a way to have a better relationship with your wife, maybe you would stop DD. 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, since you have a good reason to do so. Me, my relationship is not perfect, but not to the point of DD. So, I feel like I'm a bad wife, because I think about an actor all day. If my husband would do that, I would think that he doesn't love me. I feel sick that I desire another man, so much, that I wish I  would know the feeling to be really with him. It almost like I'm cheating, but I'm not.


Finrod Felagund said:

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

For me, being very attracted to another man than my husband, feels wrong. Maybe, like you said, it is not a big deal, since he is not a part of my life, lucky me. But still feels wrong... I hope things will improve between you and your wife. The way you described it, it doesn't seem it will... :(

Finrod Felagund said:

It's a painful feeling. I get and understand it all too well. Obviously it takes two to tango, but my wife has been emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. Wanting to leave and separate was almost a bi-monthly occurrence for her. I find myself unable to provide her what she needs to thrive in a marriage, hence why she explodes. While there's so much history and back story that I won't get into, we probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. We don't have much in common at all and desire different things in life. I think we lost ourselves early on when our child was diagnosed with Autism. We put everything into him, sacrificing our relationship. Over the years I have been trying to please her, but that has always blown up in my face. I realized too many years down the road that we are all responsible for our own happiness. We shouldn't look to others to fill our bucket. So about 3-4 months ago I just became numb. I see her trying to fix the relationship, but I just can't muster the same in return. I'm literally just riding along as a disinterested passenger. Sorry for the pretext, but it kind of paints a picture of my motivations in getting lost in my head. About 2-3 months ago I saw this sketch of this woman. I view it a few times each day and have basically created a totally different life within my mind. I used to be really good at kicking these thoughts out, but I'm now overwhelmed with them. I know all too well that no matter who you meet in this life, it will never compare to the beautiful world we create internally. This depresses me a bunch. The funny thing is, I'm generally a happy person. It's just been so hard that past few months. 

Give yourself some slack... The good thing is at least you're fantasizing about actors rather than a co-worker or family friend. Knowing that the person is unattainable gives a small sense of relief, and keeps you safe. 

Judy said:

I feel ashamed because I'm still daydreaming about guys even at my age. I thought I would have get over it when I would have met someone, but I didn't. I'm tired of living a double life like you, as you mentioned it. I think, in your case, not having a great relationship with your wife and having a sick child, you are normal. It helps get through your day. If you would find a way to have a better relationship with your wife, maybe you would stop DD. 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, since you have a good reason to do so. Me, my relationship is not perfect, but not to the point of DD. So, I feel like I'm a bad wife, because I think about an actor all day. If my husband would do that, I would think that he doesn't love me. I feel sick that I desire another man, so much, that I wish I  would know the feeling to be really with him. It almost like I'm cheating, but I'm not.


Finrod Felagund said:

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

Feels great to know that I'm not the only one and that there is more people that I thought with this condition. It is weird that our DD disorder is mostly unknow to the society, ( unless I'm wrong). I just know that I never heard of it anywhere. You are an artist and performer, what do you do?

Flydog102 said:

Wow judy!

Your post describes me exactly. I feel you, lady. The only difference is i paid the money to meet my actor/obsession and it made my day dreams even worse (or better? Lol) it was amazing for me and i do all of the things that you do. Can you imagine meeting the center of your world/obsession/daydreams?? My mind was blown. Things became even more vivid for me after that.

But im sure its harder for you, as you are married and have a real job.you have to interact with your husband and people at work. I can pretty much day dream all day without consequence becaaus i live alone and for the first time ever, im single. The actor and my day dreams really helped me cope after moving out of my exes house and into my first house alone. It really became a hardcore coping mechanism after the shock of moving into a place all alone.

Ive always day dreamed but its a constant thing now. Im an artist and a performer so i dont have a regular job and have loads of time to immerse myself in my day dreams. Im so sorry to hear that your dreams have taken over your life. Maybe this is pathetic, maybe not, but im single for the first time in 14 yrs and the day dreams keep me sane and make me realize how much i appreciate living alone and having all this time to myself.

I too, would fall into a deep depression if i didnt have my fantasy world to keep me distracted from depression and negative thoughts.

My husband does have celebrities crushes, as well, but at least, he doesn't daydream all day about them.

I can find a man very attractive in a movie and then forget about him entirely. Then, I find another man, also very attractive, same way than the other, but will then think about him for years to come. With all the actors out there I find attractive, why do I always choose one specific actor to daydream about, only one actor at a time? If I would daydream about different guys at the same time, I think I would feel less guilty. It would be random daydreaming about whoever I choose that day. But choosing only one man that I invest most of my time to daydream about, feels like I'm having a second relationship in a double life, life of reality and life of fantasy.

Candi Alexanderia said:

Im the exact same way. I try to make myself feel better by asking about his celebrity crush which was Selena and I tell him about mine whom I dream of and when I feel guilty I joke about his crush in a cute way then he smiles or laughs. I do feel guilty though

Thank you for bringing that fact to light. I have never realized that before. My husband do have two strong men role models in his life. He has a bunch of movies about them. He does have female celebrity crushes, but they are not as intense as his men role models. He is not obsess with them as me.


David Burkett said:

It appears that the guys with this disorder fantasize about men and the women also fantasize about men, but for different reasons. For example, the man I fantasize after is Tupac Shakur for role model reasons and personality traits that I desire. A woman might fantasize after him for romantic desires on top of my desires after him.

I'm wondering why we have never get over it, especially that we are married. We already have someone in our lives.

I follow him on twitter, I read all his articles about him, watch all the movies he's in, read all the books he is writing, watch the same scenes repeatly,  just to see him, as I cannot see him in reality ( I don't wish to meet him either), to keep him alive in my fantasy world.

I feel like I'm a teenager that doesn't have a boyfriend and fantasized on guys instead. 

I'm adult now, I should have overgrown that bad habit, but I didn't... Feels like it will never cease either.

againstrio said:

what everyone said same here. also married in 30s never stopped. i feel exactly as you do.

I get that. I'm very sure this happens to most married folks after some bit of time. There's obviously something that your husband isn't providing you, hence the need to reach out and put all your checklist items into someone you're physically attracted to. Like you said, you wouldn't want to meet him in person, otherwise you probably would get destroyed to find out he really has none of those items you desire or need.  

Judy said:

For me, being very attracted to another man than my husband, feels wrong. Maybe, like you said, it is not a big deal, since he is not a part of my life, lucky me. But still feels wrong... I hope things will improve between you and your wife. The way you described it, it doesn't seem it will... :(

Finrod Felagund said:

It's a painful feeling. I get and understand it all too well. Obviously it takes two to tango, but my wife has been emotionally abusive throughout our marriage. Wanting to leave and separate was almost a bi-monthly occurrence for her. I find myself unable to provide her what she needs to thrive in a marriage, hence why she explodes. While there's so much history and back story that I won't get into, we probably shouldn't have gotten married in the first place. We don't have much in common at all and desire different things in life. I think we lost ourselves early on when our child was diagnosed with Autism. We put everything into him, sacrificing our relationship. Over the years I have been trying to please her, but that has always blown up in my face. I realized too many years down the road that we are all responsible for our own happiness. We shouldn't look to others to fill our bucket. So about 3-4 months ago I just became numb. I see her trying to fix the relationship, but I just can't muster the same in return. I'm literally just riding along as a disinterested passenger. Sorry for the pretext, but it kind of paints a picture of my motivations in getting lost in my head. About 2-3 months ago I saw this sketch of this woman. I view it a few times each day and have basically created a totally different life within my mind. I used to be really good at kicking these thoughts out, but I'm now overwhelmed with them. I know all too well that no matter who you meet in this life, it will never compare to the beautiful world we create internally. This depresses me a bunch. The funny thing is, I'm generally a happy person. It's just been so hard that past few months. 

Give yourself some slack... The good thing is at least you're fantasizing about actors rather than a co-worker or family friend. Knowing that the person is unattainable gives a small sense of relief, and keeps you safe. 

Judy said:

I feel ashamed because I'm still daydreaming about guys even at my age. I thought I would have get over it when I would have met someone, but I didn't. I'm tired of living a double life like you, as you mentioned it. I think, in your case, not having a great relationship with your wife and having a sick child, you are normal. It helps get through your day. If you would find a way to have a better relationship with your wife, maybe you would stop DD. 

You shouldn't feel guilty about it, since you have a good reason to do so. Me, my relationship is not perfect, but not to the point of DD. So, I feel like I'm a bad wife, because I think about an actor all day. If my husband would do that, I would think that he doesn't love me. I feel sick that I desire another man, so much, that I wish I  would know the feeling to be really with him. It almost like I'm cheating, but I'm not.


Finrod Felagund said:

Yep, I completely understand the hardships of breaking off this attachment. Even though I'm not necessarily DD of a real person, I to am emotionally invested in the DD romance. I'm an early 40's male who has been married for 15 years. Talking about complete fantasy, I saw a sketch of a woman (not even real), and have concocted a version of her that's realistic. In some ways it makes it a little safer for me, since it's not even an existing person. I stop myself from scouring the internet to match the vision I have of her to a real person. My marriage isn't great and I have a special needs child, hence the need and desire I have to escape often. My MDD is mainly driven by the need/feeling I'm desiring at any given time. For example, I'm currently desiring an unbreakable emotional connection with someone, as I don't currently have that with my spouse. There's obvious guilt I feel being this invested, knowing that I'm married. I try to tune it out a bunch, but it keeps coming back. It's as though I'm living a double life. I both hate and love DD, so I FULLY understand the feeling of breaking up someone if you cut the tie completely. 

I think there's a bunch of irony in marriage. Hollywood has done a huge wrong in playing on the role that everything ends in a Hallmark movie. Two people fall madly in love, get married and live happily ever after. Out of all the married people I know, there's not one that can stand up to this. Most get lost in the mundane, while letting the spark flitter out. But you can't tell someone this who hasn't been married as a warning, they would either not believe you or simply state that "this won't happen to us". I should have taken a look at my own parent's marriage throughout my teenage years. It literally sucked. But, I was naive enough to think that it would be different. The truth is, you may or may not ever grow out of it until we get to an age where romance and intimacy isn't as important anymore than just having a good friend there by your side until we leave this life. If you feel that this actor is consuming your life and thoughts to a degree that you just can't function, try to take a break from Twitter. Start there and see if you can breath a bit.

Judy said:

I'm wondering why we have never get over it, especially that we are married. We already have someone in our lives.

I follow him on twitter, I read all his articles about him, watch all the movies he's in, read all the books he is writing, watch the same scenes repeatly,  just to see him, as I cannot see him in reality ( I don't wish to meet him either), to keep him alive in my fantasy world.

I feel like I'm a teenager that doesn't have a boyfriend and fantasized on guys instead. 

I'm adult now, I should have overgrown that bad habit, but I didn't... Feels like it will never cease either.

againstrio said:

what everyone said same here. also married in 30s never stopped. i feel exactly as you do.

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