I've been begging for love for 20 years and counting

[imaginary_friend]

I'm not sure I'm a classic Maladaptive Daydreamer. I don't make up elaborate stories or characters. I used to, but my daydreams or whatever these states are became repetitive monologues. I'm 33 years old (F) and I've never experienced reciprocated romantic love, although I've been constantly in love since age 14, always with someone who did not return my feelings. My daydreams are scary, basically I'm begging the present love of my life to love/hold/stay with/come back to/make love to me. I talk to him, whisper his name, keep kissing the back of my hand or a pillow and usually end up working myself into a crying spell. Some days I can't get out of bed for hours, I just do this over and over again until I feel completely depressed. However, I am unable to stop. What's more, I started doing this in public, without vocal expressions, but I'm really scared that one day I'll forget myself and do it in front of someone. I'm also able to space out into this begging mode while holding a conversation. If I find something stressful or painful, I instantly find myself in this state. I have not had a single day for 20 years without one of these sessions. I can hold out for a couple of hours, but I can't wait to get back to this painful, but somehow irresistible place. Please tell me, I'm not the only one. I feel like I'm going crazy.     

[noddily]

This is an old post but I here's what my response would be if there are people going through the same thing who may be in the closet about it.  I've had this problem to crazy extremes. They do not have the same goals or maybe even lifestyle. Hopefully you can find someone who is similar but  keep looking. The reason being is that you can't force someone to be in love with you. But remember always that there are many people in the world and that it might be that you are imprisoning yourself over this one person.  Maybe no one can meet anyone's fantasy expectations.

[Observer]

yes it happens with guys too i used to dream about this girl it's been 14 years now and i still love her deeply although she treats me as a nobody and ignores me and avoids me  i loved her because she was like me and she daydreamed too.

[ume lashun]

I think something deeper is causing you to want a relationship so bad. I am a 21 female and never had kissed or dated a guy. I used to wait patiently on "my future husband" to sweep me off my feet. I did not understand that you can not put your happiness in someone's hands. That is what you are doing. You think finding a lover is what you need. But what if he dies before you and him get old? What if the relationship comes to a flat dead end? You will be back to miserable square one. You should seek professional counseling so you can find out the problems you are trying to escape by finding love. I'm saying this because I used to be like this. And if you do not know these people beyond basic info then you are only experiencing infatuation not love. You should strive to be able to love without having a lover. Be the one who makes you happy. Once you move pass this mental/emotional state, dating will be much easier. Keep us updated on your progress. I love seeing people grow!

[Camoran]

I don't know how severe your md/depression/?  might be, I'm no doctor, but I can tell that it's weird, and pretty much tremendous that you haven't had one relationship in 20 years. Do you use those non-reciprocating people as protagonists of your daydreams?

@Roel then we have the same problem at the same age. For 3 and a half darn years daydreaming has been my only way to have a girlfriend, and a few months ago I lost my real one because I failed to detach myself from the dream world. And she was perfect under every aspect, and she was DAMN REAL. So now I'm hell bent on destroying this brain virus for good, and fix what I've done.

[Roel]

@Aquarius - Than I guess you're right. At that age you should be enjoying your life as an adult, not live in fear of loneliness.

Imaginary_friend, you should indeed search for help. Don't be afraid to tell others about your problems. Be confident about yourself. I'm sure you're a wonderfull person and that your loneliness isn't permanent. You will find it whene you don't expect it, as they say ;)

I have faith in you!

[Aquarius]

@Roel - I totally get what you are saying. At 17 or any teenage years having such DDs is actually pretty normal. It's not the DDs that alarmed me. It's the overall mental state that I gathered from Imaginery-friend's post. There are plenty of MDDers here, we all have our quirks. But at age 33 ( I'm 36), it's very plausible that it is infact depression and it's causing a negative impact on her life. Being at teenage MDDer is very different from being a thirty-something MDDer.  A teenager still has time to figure out his/herself, still has parents who are looking out for them. That all isnt there for the older lot

[Amanda Lewone]

Hey. I wonder though if you've tried asking some of the people you like out. I feel like sometimes we just wait, hoping that person will notice us. I heard from someone years later that they did once kinda like me but didn't say anything. It's weird how we make assumptions about other people. But I do feel that this is the kind of dd obsession that can be reduced once the desire has been satisfied. (Unless you are just addicted to dd). I have satisfied desires in the past and continued to daydream so it doesn't always work.

[Roel]

"This is more than just MDD. You need to get some professional help, do it right away. You seem clinically depressed"

Aquarius, I'm not an expert and I have barely any life-experinece, so I'm probably wrong, but if she realy needs professionel help, than that would mean I need it too. I think you exagerated a little, however don't take my word for that, I can't know.

I have the same problems only; for me it's not contineous because I also have other invented stories and it alternates a lot between these story-dreams and ...you know... love-dreams. and -the biggest difference- I'm seventeen wich makes it seem less unusual. However I know how it feels, even though I have had troubles with love-dreams for merely 6 years. AND I'm sure hundreds of us MD'ers experience it, but don't dare to say it (At first I didn't react to this either because I thought it was a bit too... personal I guess -I was scared to speak-)

If you do need (professional) help, than don't be afraid and go get help, whereever you can find it. Please note that you are not alone, even though you feel like that, and that we -fellow MD'ers- (and probably many others if you would tell them about it.) care about you.

Stay strong!

[Aquarius]

This is more than just MDD. You need to get some professional help, do it right away. You seem clinically depressed, and seem to yearn for people who you believe are beyond your reach. You've probably had a rough childhood.

Fix the internal, the external will get better on its own.

And no you aren't the only one, plenty of us feel that way. And no way are you or any of us crazy. We are just people trying to deal with our issues. Best of luck