It's Mental Health Week, and about time I talked about some issues that have plagued me

Emotional abuse:

I realized a few days ago that this is the first time in my life where I dont have an emotionally abusive person in my life. My roommate moved out, and all of sudden it hit me, that I have been dealing with it for so long, its only now that I became aware of it. This scares me a little, that maybe I have a propensity to put up or choose or am unable to recognize emotionally abusive people. I always give 2nd chances

Avoidantly attached personality:

I read about this in detail today. This has to do with the fact that I don't let my emotions show at all. I'm the kind who has very hard letting people come close to me. I've been so good at putting up a facade that I have friends, who are clueless about other aspects of life (such as my interests, my family etc.) They called me pokerface at work, and then one day when i broke down it took 10 people to get me to my desk. I sometimes think I'm incapable of being in love. i'm 35 and I have no clue what romantic love feels like.

I was a bed-wetter, and in the 1980s parents, siblings, relatives, werent as understanding as they are today. My worst fear as a kid was one of my school friends finding out. That's how I learned shame.  I grew out of it by age 10. As a result, as a grown-up I never let friends come over to my house, alot of them noticed. I had a bedridden father, so i hid that or lied about it. Then he died, and life became all nice and good but i still feel embarrassed to call people over or worse introduce my family to them. My siblings are very accomplished, and pretty awesome. But that sense of shame, just won't go away.

Approval seeking behaviour:

The middle child is always craving for the parents attention. I now know why most of friends are men, why i was so eager to be the favorite of my male bosses- yup, no surprises, here. Lack of paternal attention, my father died without knowing any of my achievements. And I think this approval-seeking behavior has made me waste time on people who aren't even worth it. I am forever seeking a man's attention or approval- that's just dumb.

So this is me admitting that I have alot of work to do on myself. There are other things that I have left out. But now I'm setting myself free, and it feels great already

Views: 217

Comment

You need to be a member of Wild Minds network to add comments!

Join Wild Minds network

Comment by Aquarius on May 26, 2015 at 11:12am

This is the thing about people who have in the past tried to control your life. They don't ever stop trying. The opportunity sneaks through the creeks of the bolted door, and there they are. Commanding but never taking responsibility. It's almost a telltale sign of people who attempt to wrest power. It most likely has to do with a superiority complex or maybe just outright low self esteem. But they cause so damage as a result. It's exhausting. That pain in the back of the skull returns. Its a sharp pains, it affects both hemispheres. Your logical reasoning contiues to warn you to guide you to not let it get to you. But it still does.

Keep the door bolted, a new creak will turn up no matter how many old ones you seal. You need to get better at dealing with those people, by not dealing with them. Don't give them a ear , don't give them a minute. Breathe. Smile. Listen to good music. Shoulder the burden. Move on

Comment by Aquarius on November 24, 2014 at 3:46am

i'm not funny, i'm mean. My sense of humor all these years has been about demeaning people. It's a terrible thing - I don't know how many self-esteems have been a victim of my cruel humor. I now know I am not funny, I never have been. Witty maybe, but even that wit has been stemmed in meanness. Self-accountability.

and I just witnessed an act of animal cruelty. Just awful

Comment by Aquarius on October 28, 2014 at 11:40am

i'm stuck with that same scenario running over and over in my head. Those who wronged me, actually they didn't. I just have a 'no delete' policy for this forum. Ok so i'm still riling over those three people , four actually, who tried to corner me by telling me what im worth. I'm someone whose standards are too high, that i'm aging so my chances are reducing. One of them gave my mother sleepless nights when she stated over the phone that she had stuff to talk over with her. Now I have a scenario in my head where i cause them to fall into their own ditch.

But why. why is it stuck in my head. Maybe it's just coming out now, i have been suppressing stuff forever. 

And to make it worse i'm stuck in my writing, i can't move forward it's awful. And my tv addiction is making a comeback. Like my alcoholic pal says i didnt know when i slipped. i can see i'm slipping. It's incredible what holding negative emotions within you can do to you. Just so as to not hurt people, you cannot say things you mean. Avoidance is better, or so I thought, now look where I am. Avoiding my life altogether.

Comment by Aquarius on October 14, 2014 at 5:16am

dear friend, u need to stop calling me. It drains me. I cant hear about your life details all of which mask your insecurities. I can't hear your judgement on my life. I can't pretend anymore that u are trying to figure out how i can be of some use to you. When someone doesn't answer your phone, that many times, you need to look at yourself, and ask why.

Comment by Aquarius on July 14, 2014 at 12:17pm

i am a coward. But i was a coward long before the big rug was pulled. I had been hiding before that. I cant confront anything - feelings, people, their feelings, truth.

All this writing stuff- i'm now officially a recluse. i dont remember when did i last to talk to my friends. what is this

Comment by Aquarius on May 10, 2014 at 5:45am

It's selfish of me, it really is. Someone tells me that that the lowest phase in their alcoholism came when he tried to kill himself, and another friend who called him ended up saving him. It's selfish of me, to think that I didn't play my part of the savior. This is not about me. There is someone telling me something so deeply personal, and just the sheer horror of it should jolt me. But it hasn't. Something's wrong with that.

I guess its just apathy, or a messed up sleep cycle. 

Comment by Aquarius on April 10, 2014 at 10:29am

ah, Rejection- my ever faithful companion. Leave me already, just leave me for once.

Comment by Aquarius on March 11, 2014 at 11:10am

This want to be wanted thing is taking alot of space in my head. The key is to be flattered but to know that it can be an indulgence. Leading someone on who despite fake proclamations of attraction is wrong. Besides drunk people cant really be held accountable for the stuff they proclaim.

How low is my self-esteem that I'm actually getting high over compliments/flirtatious behavior from a deadbeat drunk guy who hasnt even bothered to remember my last name. Or even thank me for taking him out to lunch. i don't want claims of affection, i just want a thank you. And I want it sober. Kudos to me, for trusting my instinct and not going over board with gifts.

Comment by Aquarius on March 4, 2014 at 10:20am

Ok, nervous energy in me again. I'm anxious. Have I upset the narcissist? How is it that after these years, soul searching , self evaluation, I'm once again associated my thoughts with a narcissist? This is co-dependent behavior, or maybe its approval seeking. Damn me. I'm seeking to please someone who can only make drunk calls to me.

I want to go back to fiction writing, it is so fulfilling. But what of those biz ideas? Well to be fair, I'm literally doing nothing, and the money is running out. I like where I am, my comfort zone, my wonderful peaceful comfort zone, where I like everything, where there is no chaos.

Comment by Aquarius on March 1, 2014 at 1:16am

I'm anxious all over again. Cowardice. or maybe I'm lost.  There's alot that's incomplete. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared to try

© 2024   Created by Valeria Franco.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service

G-S8WJHKYMQH Real Time Web Analytics

Clicky