what no one talks about...

[Sky with Diamonds]

There is a huge part of my depression, and MDD, that is so hard and shamful for me to talk about. I havent even brought it up to my therapist yet. Ive tried, but i dont think she gets it. I hope no one reading this will, think im disgusting and weird. But i would really like to know if anyone else struggles with this.

With both depression and MDD, people talk a lot about being traped, and lack of motivation. With these symptoms, i have always struggled with hygeien and cleaning. I was always the smelly kid in school no one wanted to sit next to. I had a dentist write a letter to my parenst concerned about my health. Being mad fun of, and embaressed, still isnt enough to properly take care of myself. Of course anyone with clinical depression knows that hitting an all time low in life, isnt enough. So what is? What will it take?

Brushing my teeth, showering, whereing clean clothes, or cleaning my room. These things are SO hard for me to do. why? i dont understand why the simplest things are the hardest for me. Im 22 years old and i still have these problems. It wasnt just something i would grow out of, or figure out.

In all honesty, i have trouble doing anything and absolutley everything. But these things create a whole other set of problems and shamefulness. Where does it end? Am i alone here? or does anyone else struggle with this? If so, what helps with motivation?

[Pascale]

I have a bit of this also, specilaly cleaning my home is difficult. I am also working with a therapist and she helps me to see my feelings. Here is the theory:

- Response to fear are fight, flight or freeze. Depression may be a freeze reaction that is coming for the wrong reason.

- You have come in a bad circle for example: you think other find you disgusting and weird. When thinking about how other look at you, you are shameful and get a freeze reaction. When cleaning yourself you think about how other look at you, and you feel fear and helpless so you run away from the situation. Your hygiene is not as good as you'll like so you think other find you disgusting and weird. (well that's just a example not necessary what you feel, find your own reaction circle)

- Thank your feelings they have been helping you once (for example if you have been bulled at school it may have been a god idea to freeze, not to try to fight back which would have made things worse.) But tell them the situation they were useful is gone.

- You may find other ways to escape the wrong circle. Find any way to tell yourself it is not about what other think about you. Cleaning and hygiene are about you feeling comfortable with youself. Give yourself treats (new towel, nice smelling soap) so you can focus about you being nice to yourself when you are in bathroom. Having problem cleaning my home I found useful to begyn by bringing order in the drawers were nobody looks anyway. And finding my own way to decorate. Find what works for you.

[Ivy White]

Your energy is limited, so making the expense to brush your teeth or shower etc are all things that are taxing the few reserves you have. I have moments of intense low and in those times I can forego things like basic hygiene, but never to the point you describe.

[Roel]

I wouldn't say I have the same as you. but I do have to admit that simple things such as changing clothes, showering and mostly brushing my teeth are somehow not in my routine. I do all of it, but it always comes out of nowhere, like I suddenly recall: "oh, I smell, should have showered this morning" or whene I'm already laying in bed I notice my teeth aren't clean: I completely forgot to brush that day. I care about my hygeien and stuff, but I just don't think about it and I don't have a routine for it so I always shower/change/brush my teeth whene it is actually a bit too late.

This has not been a serious problem for me though, so I guess I don't have the same like you so :/