Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

What is MDD to me?

It is an outlet to my stress and my emotion. When I am angry, I create s scene similar to my life but the character is more in control. When I am sad, I imagine my character being sad and other characters within my story knowing it because in reality when I am sad no body knows it. MDD portray what I want and wish happen. It is the life I didn’t have, the things I want and the people I wish were around me.

I found it very useful because as a young teen I had many personal issues to the point I would think of suicide. Although, I had no intention of acting on it I was naïve enough to think of it. That was when my MDD become useful, where I imagined being spirit away to a fantasy world. I still do. I learned early on that things I thought of through MDD tells a lot about me, my state of mind, and who I want to be. I can even tell from my MDD that I want to escape my reality and if I want to run away I am scare of reality. I don’t want to think I am a scary-cat, but probably I have to say I am a coward to some level.

The side effect of MDD is self-consciousness to the point where I would feel isolated. Sometimes I don’t even want to talk to people and don’t want to go outside. Other times, I feel lost and afraid of the world. When this happens, I try to stay ground. I think of positive things and at time even force myself outside or to a window and look outside to remind myself this is reality, this is home.

I think MDD can be useful and has been in my life, but it has a destructive side and I have been influence by it. I know I can’t get rid of it, but I know I can have it under control. From my perspective, what it really takes to have this under control is the will to do things my mind said no or feeds me the feeling that I don’t want to do it. In manga and anime, we see characters experiencing hard time and are confronted by friends and strangers—however reality doesn’t work like that. You have to pick yourself up. Who else is going to do it? Nobody. If you don’t seek help, no one knows you need help. I am not so lucky like those people that have friends or family that notice they are having issues. Nobody really notice I am having issue or that I am feeling sad. In the end I have to stop crawling and get up by myself and seek professional help when I think I need it.

Sometimes, I do wonder what life has for me. I am not going to know if I keep MDD all the time. MDD makes me see the things I want in my life in a story in my head, but it is not going to give me what I want—I am not going to feel it. That is what I want, things in my life. I want to feel it not to just think of it. I know that sometimes we think of scene that can’t happen such as being spirit away and that’s when I get logic. It’s great to imagine being spirit away to a distant land and has all these interesting things happen and it’s awesome to see it in movies, but not in reality. I don’t know if the people in that world are nice. What if they are some man eating people? In reality, I don’t have any super power and I can’t run for a long period of time therefore most likely even before my story began it would already end. And I know how homesick I can get. I have been away from home for weeks—geez those were fun and lonely. But, if I was really spirit away, adapting is going to be hard because then I know I can’t ever come back home like those short trips. In the case of spirit away, I’ll probably be the lowest of the rank doing the dirty job. Sometimes making logic of some scene helps me snap out of MDD.

MDD is like an illusion of escape. The shadow of truth and reality is always right behind chasing me. It is like I am always running away and running away doesn't make things better. It may bury the pain and the emptiness, but when the rain pour the soil will loosen and all that is bury will resurface. I want to really moved on. I think peace comes to those that truly find a common ground with their experience  that trigger MDD. I'm not saying it's bad nor am I am saying it's good. I'm saying do some self-discovery, figure out why you turn to MDD and why certain things trigger you.

lol, I think it's totally fine to fantasize about a very good movie after you finish it. I do it all the time. But I always stopped myself after a while and tell myself, it's a good movie so why would I want to put myself in there? In truth, I don't. I'm just so excited and so full of emotion that this is how I release it. I'll have to fantasize and then move on. Honestly, sometimes it's hard.

There must be a ton of grammar errors. I apologize, forgive me for that because I am not the best writer out there :D. And if you ever read this far, thank you for reading. 

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Comment by Queen Dopamine on December 18, 2013 at 9:12am

"I'm not the best writer out there", she says after writing this beautiful narrative. :P I think this is amazingly descriptive and perfect. I see a lot of myself in this, as I think many DDers do. I've often thought about why exactly the daydreams appeal to me. Why I'm compelled to do it. Yes, I know my triggers, but why do I have to do it? What's the purpose? What you said about the control is a very fitting reason, it seems. And the part you said about when you are experiencing something in real life, you channel it into your stories. I realize I subconsciously do this, too. I've never really pinpointed it, but that's a very logical explanation.

I've tried to kill off my characters before, when I was in my teens because I thought I was too old to play pretend. But it didn't last. I felt like I needed them. I still need them. But I do want to live in reality, too. I want to learn from my daydreams. I want to take all the energy and excitement and drama from my fantasy land and project it into reality. I've become more and more successful at it over the years (staying in college, pursuing a writing career, working up to a decent pay level in corporate healthcare), but there are some days (and weeks) where it's not as easy. Like the past two weeks. And then I can't help but notice the parallels to how stressed I've also been the past two weeks and how dissatisfied I am at my job and with relationships. The need to fantasize, the compulsion, grows so strong that my productivity at work is down because of it.

Thank you for this exploration of MD, whether you have the solution to it or not. There is no solution that is one size fits all. It all depends on what the person wants to achieve. :) 

Comment by Antigone on December 3, 2013 at 9:27pm

Hey Mai Xiong! I don't have anything specific to write back per say, but I really thoroughly enjoyed reading this. I think you have such a wonderful grasp of what your MD does for you, for good or for bad. I could relate to everything you said in so many ways.  It was delightful to read, and I'm sorry and sympathize with the struggles it causes (as does anyone here, I'm sure). 

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