Where wild minds come to rest
What is MDD to me?
It is an outlet to my stress and my emotion. When I am angry, I create s scene similar to my life but the character is more in control. When I am sad, I imagine my character being sad and other characters within my story knowing it because in reality when I am sad no body knows it. MDD portray what I want and wish happen. It is the life I didn’t have, the things I want and the people I wish were around me.
I found it very useful because as a young teen I had many personal issues to the point I would think of suicide. Although, I had no intention of acting on it I was naïve enough to think of it. That was when my MDD become useful, where I imagined being spirit away to a fantasy world. I still do. I learned early on that things I thought of through MDD tells a lot about me, my state of mind, and who I want to be. I can even tell from my MDD that I want to escape my reality and if I want to run away I am scare of reality. I don’t want to think I am a scary-cat, but probably I have to say I am a coward to some level.
The side effect of MDD is self-consciousness to the point where I would feel isolated. Sometimes I don’t even want to talk to people and don’t want to go outside. Other times, I feel lost and afraid of the world. When this happens, I try to stay ground. I think of positive things and at time even force myself outside or to a window and look outside to remind myself this is reality, this is home.
I think MDD can be useful and has been in my life, but it has a destructive side and I have been influence by it. I know I can’t get rid of it, but I know I can have it under control. From my perspective, what it really takes to have this under control is the will to do things my mind said no or feeds me the feeling that I don’t want to do it. In manga and anime, we see characters experiencing hard time and are confronted by friends and strangers—however reality doesn’t work like that. You have to pick yourself up. Who else is going to do it? Nobody. If you don’t seek help, no one knows you need help. I am not so lucky like those people that have friends or family that notice they are having issues. Nobody really notice I am having issue or that I am feeling sad. In the end I have to stop crawling and get up by myself and seek professional help when I think I need it.
Sometimes, I do wonder what life has for me. I am not going to know if I keep MDD all the time. MDD makes me see the things I want in my life in a story in my head, but it is not going to give me what I want—I am not going to feel it. That is what I want, things in my life. I want to feel it not to just think of it. I know that sometimes we think of scene that can’t happen such as being spirit away and that’s when I get logic. It’s great to imagine being spirit away to a distant land and has all these interesting things happen and it’s awesome to see it in movies, but not in reality. I don’t know if the people in that world are nice. What if they are some man eating people? In reality, I don’t have any super power and I can’t run for a long period of time therefore most likely even before my story began it would already end. And I know how homesick I can get. I have been away from home for weeks—geez those were fun and lonely. But, if I was really spirit away, adapting is going to be hard because then I know I can’t ever come back home like those short trips. In the case of spirit away, I’ll probably be the lowest of the rank doing the dirty job. Sometimes making logic of some scene helps me snap out of MDD.
MDD is like an illusion of escape. The shadow of truth and reality is always right behind chasing me. It is like I am always running away and running away doesn't make things better. It may bury the pain and the emptiness, but when the rain pour the soil will loosen and all that is bury will resurface. I want to really moved on. I think peace comes to those that truly find a common ground with their experience that trigger MDD. I'm not saying it's bad nor am I am saying it's good. I'm saying do some self-discovery, figure out why you turn to MDD and why certain things trigger you.
lol, I think it's totally fine to fantasize about a very good movie after you finish it. I do it all the time. But I always stopped myself after a while and tell myself, it's a good movie so why would I want to put myself in there? In truth, I don't. I'm just so excited and so full of emotion that this is how I release it. I'll have to fantasize and then move on. Honestly, sometimes it's hard.
There must be a ton of grammar errors. I apologize, forgive me for that because I am not the best writer out there :D. And if you ever read this far, thank you for reading.