Vaguely discontent, inexplicably ashamed, regrettably desiring attention

I haven't felt like this in awhile, but I am at such a low point in my self-esteem today (or perhaps sleep deprivation) that I find myself feeling ashamed for no particular reason. Then, of course, I start remembering every little thing I've said or done in the past 7 days that I am embarrassed by, or even have the mild possibility of being embarrassed by. Not to mention the general feeling of discontent in my stomach, like I'm waiting for something, desiring something, needing something that isn't here and hasn't come, but I don't even know what it is. On top of it, I am just feeling the urge to be validated. But I smothered this desire on Tumblr because I've felt my presence has been extra annoying lately. Which I never think that kind of thing. I feel so silly. But I find myself going around and commenting on music videos on youtube because I want to get upvotes and comments.

I'm disgusted with myself. I'm not like this normally. At least not to this degree. Perhaps sleep will help.

Also, I haven't daydreamed today. I've tried the past few days and it just has been wildly unfulfilling. Like I have the urge to do it. I feel like I want to do it, but I find myself just pacing around to music, doing half-finished storylines and not getting into it. Until I finally just give up and go back to sitting at my kitchen table, doing nothing productive there either. 

Finally managed to finish a paper. And I started a new job. But dang, something has to change.

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Comment by escarei on March 14, 2014 at 6:08am

Hello there! [First of all, I wan't to thank you for your help offering and kind words in the MDD writers group, sorry for not responding earlier!]- bracket closed now. 

About your problems and issues mentioned above- I hope you realise how unreasonable is being disgusted with yourself for these reasons. Come on... there is nothing wrong with seeking attention especially if you do it like this. If you would perhaps run around naked in the neighborhood I'd say you might have a problem... Everyone have times in their lives when nothing seems right. Also, our brains.. they just hate us and find delight in torturing us with embarassing old memories. I could sometimes bury myself when I remember some of the stupid things I did in the past, but then I reassure myself with the thought that no one else remembers that, and if they do, they don't give a fu... flappy bird. 

I believe (according to what you wrote here) you feel restless, and I can relate to that too. It's the cirle of the devil, when you desperately wait for something to happen, something great, you wish for it, but the days just go by... Most of the time you can trick yourself with daydreaming about your desired life, but then unconsciously you stop daydreaming too, because somwhere your brain knows that daydreaming would not help, improve your situation, make you rich and famous, it's just wasting time.... so you again, do nothing, and nothing happens. I think a lot of us are stuck there, but as you stated, something has to change. Yep, I think that's the only way you can break out of this circle, but in my opinion, you're absolutely capable of making that happen. (hope this sentence had sense)

(sorry if my reply is actually turned out longer than the original post, I'm the only person with social anxiety who talks a lot. maybe I'm just dumb : {D )

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