Where wild minds come to rest
I didn't really see much of a point in doing this but I figured I might as well update people on my situation. I mentioned quite a while ago now that a psychiatrist I saw was aware of MD and FPP (Fantasy Prone Personality) but seeing as neither are proven to be official conditions yet he couldn't formally state that I had it but did agree it was possible that I was experiencing it. We were leaning more towards FPP because I suppose I fitted well with it's description and can relate to many of the things it implicates.
Also, as I'm sure people are sick of hearing now, I've been doing more work regarding my previous diagnosis of psychosis. For years now that's what I've been told I have due to the hallucinations, voices and generally bizarre things that I experience. However things have recently changed and I've now been informed that I don't actually have a psychotic disorder. At first I was a little annoyed at this, bordering on angry, because 1, I had been told for so long this was the case and 2, because now it meant I had to look for another reason why I experience what I experience. This doc suggested a number of things to me, all of which had no relation to what I was going through until we landed on a dissociative disorder. Not really having any prior knowledge on dissociative disorders I instantly ignored what he said but I went away and did some research and realised he might be right.
There are several dissociative disorders, the most complex one being dissociative identity disorder, formally known as multiple personality disorder. I began to look more into that and realised that many of my own experiences fitted with that. The voices that I hear in my head have been with me for a very long time and anti-psychotic medication has never gotten rid of them. I've mentioned before that each voice seems to represent a set of emotions or functions that I either never developed properly or never learnt to express i.e Darren is very angry and aggressive and he usually appears when I start to feel angry as anger is an emotion I've never learnt how to cope with. However I don't "switch" as such. Only a handful of times in my life has one of these voices taken complete control of my body. Despite the fact they don't come out and use my body their purpose or function is very much that of an "alter". I didn't self diagnose myself however. I talked it over with my doc who said that this was probably true and we've agreed to use this as a working diagnosis.
One of the things I had an issue with though was that DID is only caused through extreme trauma and abuse in childhood which I've never had the misfortune of experiencing. So how could I possibly have it? Well from a very young age I have been able to manifest things from my imagination. If I imagined something and put enough mental focus into it I could make stuff appear. I was doing this from as young as 2-3 years of age. I spent so much time submerged in my own mental imagery that I often neglected reality and I preferred to be in the presence of imagery people rather than real ones so I don't feel I ever established a solid connection or bond with anyone, even though my family loved me and I loved them back. As I got a bit older the things that I saw or experienced started to form based on how I was feeling so if I was feeling a bit down then more darker things would appear. I know i've said this in a post before but when I was about 5 I was obsessed with the movie Gremlins but at the same time I was scared of it. I was convinced one was under my bed one night and I refused to go to sleep. My parents eventually managed to get me into bed but as I sat there I saw a gremlins arm reach up from between the wall and the bed to grab me. I was absolutely petrified. For about 2 years I was too scared to go to the bathroom in the night so I had to call for my parents to take me and even now as an adult I make my partner sleep on the wall side of the bed.
I believe that my intense relationship with fantasy made me miss out on important experiences in reality at a young age which meant I never learnt to grow healthy attachments to people or learn how to deal with certain emotions. Plus the amount of negative things that manifested from my mind did cause me quite a bit of distress so this could well be what caused me to develop DID.
So in a nutshell I probably had/have a fantasy prone personality which has been with me all my life and is probably a result of how my brain is naturally wired. As a result of this I never really existed in reality at any point in my life meaning now as an adult I have these different personalities in my head that are capable of dealing with certain things that I can't e.g Darren= anger, Scott= confidence. I still rely heavily on daydreaming to keep harsh parts of reality at bay as that fantasy world has always felt more tangible and solid than reality ever has for me. Furthermore excessive daydreaming or fantasizing has been linked with dissociative disorders as it's often viewed as a coping mechanism when someone can't deal with reality.
So I've learnt quite a lot about myself recently. I still don't have a clue on how to tackle these issues but I feel I've come to understand how my brain functions which may possibly assist me in finding ways of coping with life.