Time

[Katelyn H]

My name is Katelyn.  

I'm 24 years old and currently serving in the military.  I can't really remember when i started MD but i know i was extremely young.  My life growing up was not something I am proud to speak of even to this day.  My home was not truly a home and my parents were not truly parents.  It was an abusive household under disgusting conditions and i was too young to know what to do.

I used music as an escape and i would often sit on the floor by my bed and rock back and forth while listening to it.  I was very good at escaping reality from a young age and take myself to a fantasy world where i never truly suffered, but if i had i could always come out victorious.  Unfortunately something i started doing to escape turned into something that was near permanent.  Even if i wasn't listening to music I would not be present. I used books and TV like many others and i never knew why I couldn't stop.

It has been so many years later and even after living on my own for six years and living in many states I can not seem to stop.  I feel as if it's permanent now.   I come home sit on my couch and rock back and forth for many hours and go into imaginary worlds.  I have been sent away for treatment but unfortunately not many doctors or therapists know much about it.  They blame it on my past which i can understand to a certain degree but I guess I would like to just know how to stop and be ok.  My anxiety is getting to a breaking point and military life does not help with that.   I wish i could say that i do not think about killing myself but I can't help but think it is the best way to go sometimes.  I wish i was stronger than I am.  If only there was a crystal ball that i could look into and see if my life would get better.

I feel so confused.  If anyone has any suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.

[mirrorgirl]

I'm 40 and have been daydreaming since I was first abused as a child. It was a defense mechanism that took me out of my world into another. The problem is that when things got hard or difficult I would use my mind to escape rather than deal with the situation. You are still young. Seek help and do not kill yourself. Enjoy your 20's!! I would love to have them back ;-)

[Iris]

Welcome Katelyn,

I totally agree to what Cordellia said. Don't feel guilty.

I know how you feel, I've been through this too. When I was about 15 to 20 years old I was sure that one day I will kill myself. Now I'm 49, this deep depression is gone and I can say that I am really happy, even though I'm still daydreaming every day. I accepted it as a part of me, and I accepted my childhood, during which I felt really lonely. I think that daydreaming to me is like a scar that came from my loneliness - this scar is no more so clearly to be seen as it was years ago, it diminished, but it is still there.

 

During your childhood you are helpless and you depend on your parents, if they are good or not. And a child doesn't know any better, you try to cope with the situation you are in.

 

As a sort of therapy I tried to remember a very painful moment during my childhood and imagined my today self as a woman to visit and comfort this child and be the help to it, that in the past it didn't have. Very strong feelings came during this process, this were surpressed feelings I couldn't feel when I was a child. And after this I felt much better, I also don't daydream as much as I did years ago, and I don't feel guilty when I do.

 

What helped me a lot was the book by Alice Miller "The Drama of the Gifted Child".

[Cordellia Amethyste Rose]

Hang in there.  It can get better, but it will ONLY get better once you stop judging yourself and start accepting yourself.  You might get rid of this completely, or you may just have to accept it as part of you.  I think that learning to control it is a more realistic goal.  Mine isn't gone, but it started to get better and more manageable once I stopped feeling guilty and started to accept it as part of me.  My therapist knows about it, and she and Dr. Cynthia Schupak, who studied it, both feel that I will do this for all my life and that managing it is a more realistic goal for me.  Trying to force it out never works.  It may work for a while, but it's only temporary.  Some do report getting better, though.  What will work for you is entirely dependent on you.  I've posted some of the most common tips along the right side of the main page.  Keep trying things, and don't give up.