Where wild minds come to rest
I am a mess. I am stuck in a vicious cycle. I cannot live, I cannot cope, I cannot talk to anyone, I cannot get help.
I stop mding for a couple of weeks but in the real world I am completely depressed, I can't imagine anything that could ever make me smile. I can't remember the last time I smiled a smile that wasn't fake. I can't remember how happiness feels. I can only remember a few months of my life when I was happy, years ago. I convinced myself that md was the reason that people dont like me, that nobody will ever ever love or even care about me, I am everybody's joke, and even worse behind closed doors I am self pitying, I hate self pitying people, but who else is going to pity me? I have missed out on a lifetime of learning to socialise, I am clueless, I am aware more than ever of how irritating and stupid everyone thinks/says/knows that i am.
I go back to md-ing. and i cant stop, i cant do anything, i md about 9 hours a day, i dont go to uni because all i want to do is stay home and md, my social anxiety is worse than ever,, i cant even make any eye contact with anyone. I get tears in my eyes when someone speaks to me, even friends i have known for years, i avoid looking at them and ramble on complaining about shit that i dont even care about just to distract from my awkwardness. I speak so fast most people cant understand what i say. I have suddenly developed horrific acne at 21 years old. I feel so dirty, everyone thinks i am dirty, it makes it even harder to leave the house and speak to people. my hair is falling out, my long thick hair that i used to love so much. I am going to fail uni but if i leave my mum will never forgive me and i will have to go live at home, which is even more depressing. I cant listen in lectures, I cant attend my art lessons because my social anxiety is too bad. All my friends at uni are horrible people, all we have in common is that we take drugs. They make me feel so much worse about myself, constantly making fun of me for never having a boyfriend, for wearing so much makeup. for being weird, for being stupid. i could never talk to them about my problems.
I went to the doctor and she said i could see a psychiatrist, but they still havent been in touch..and that was weeks ago, I am desperate. I cant go on. I wish i had a reason to live, i wish i had a reason to smile. I wish things would change