Spilling of the beans

[Murphy Rose]

Ok, I've been daydreaming since I was very young. However, it became serious in the sixth grade. I was bullied a lot and only had one friend. The reason I was bullied, mainly, is because I'm a lesbian. I made a journal about a different life in which I was married to a woman named Mollie (I just liked the name, I guess). Everyday I would write and write, it was all I would do. In class I'd think about her and the life I thought I would never have. I realized how odd it was one day to be making up this life so I burned the journals and gave up on daydreaming. But it never went away, new stories would always pop in my head, I'd still daydream, just not about Mollie. Four years later I have gone back to my old habit and decided to write again. I'm afraid of what I will become. I've just been diagnosed with bipolar and I feel lost, and the only person I can think of to comfort me in this dark hole of nothingness is the wife I made up for myself. I feel awful but at the same time ok. Anyone else write their daydreams or can share experiences with me?

[The1andonlyAbber]

In my diary I alternate between writing from my perspective and writing from the perspective of my MD character (who is basically my alterego). So, I sort of do what you used to do. My MD didn't start due to bullying, but bullying DEFINITELY made it worse.

[Robin]

I've gone through a lot of what you're going through. I always daydreamed a lot, but my daydreaming got pretty constant in elementary school when my parents split up. They had a custody battle and fought over me and my brothers and sisters, and in addition, my mom suffered from depression would take out her mood swings on me. I felt really isolated by my family situation for years, and in addition, I was really shy and awkward, and had only 1 or 2 real friends. My daydreams were the only place I felt safe and confident, and the characters I made made me feel less alone. I sort of coasted through most of my life in my own fantasies. When I started college, I was finally away from a lot of the things I had been hiding from by going into my daydreams, and I decided that I wanted to stop daydreaming and try and have a "normal" life. I've been struggling trying to break the habit for years now, and I've made a lot of progress limiting my fantasies and starting my own life. Like you, I've been diagnosed with a mood disorder (mine is depression). I know what it's like to feel lost and terrible, and I was pretty much in your place around 2-3 years ago. If you've just been diagnosed, then you must be taking steps to treat yourself, and you're really brave for doing that. I know how hard it is. :)

You might not want advice, but here's something I wish I had known a few years ago: your daydreams and bipolar disorder are probably coming from the same place, and in order to deal with one, you're going to have to deal with the other. Your daydreams may feel as though they keep you going, but they also isolate you from real people who might become close to you, and they isolate you from your own self. It can be a vicious cycle. But you are stronger than you think. Good luck!