Where wild minds come to rest
I've been extremely quiet since I was 12, exactly the same age that I started MDD. I've been nearly untalkative since I was a teenager, and now that I am waking up, being too quiet actually bothers me a lot. I am afraid many people will discover it and get very turned off in a upset or burned up way. Before that, when I was littler, I was a very chirpy kid. I would blare my thoughts out at people openly, even though I was still socially inept. I even remember describing my imagination out loud to other kids, but they would grimace with unease and push me away. So as I got older, I kept my imagination to myself, knowing that normal people will just find me insane. Even though, I tell myself to stop dreaming, I really can't help myself because it's a part of who I am, just like my blood stream. I'm sure if I was born without an imagination, I would have had a totally different perspective of living in a world that doesn't exist—I probably wouldn't like it and enjoy more worldly things, just like my family.
I think I started MDD because I was deprived of things I just couldn't get—such a boy's attention and the admiration of most other people. Many had doubts towards me and used to bully me a lot. Also, I had no idea that I was Autistic—I used to think I was just a shy oddball who was too scared to experiment with a courser subjective, such as sexual intercourse. Well anybody who is neurotypical, and have been around people, wouldn't be too afraid of this. So I agree, I was so very different in my own style and form. People also found me abhorred and hostile, because I couldn't seem to really want to interact with them. It wasn't true that I was unfriendly or cold, but I was just so hesitant to get my face in there! I couldn't just stand up and sing out loud for everyone to clearly hear me. For some reason I just preferred my own thoughts.