Scott

[M Hunter]

I put this on one of my tumblr blogs a while ago but felt like sharing it here. I didn't think many people here would be able to relate to it as it's to do with my voice hearing/hallucinations but then I figured that perhaps people have similar relationships with daydream characters so here it is-

When I met Scott my life changed dramatically. Before him, anger and denial seemed to be all that resided within me and the self inflicted black hole of doubt had all but engulfed me. I wasn’t quick to trust him but he had a certain quality that was hard to ignore. He seemed energetic and eager and there was a gleam in his crystal blue eyes that was so captivating. There was something about him that was so magnetic it was impossible to try and walk away and it wasn’t long before I ended up relying on him. No matter what problems I brought to the table, whether I was consumed with sorrow or bursting with joy, filled to the brink with rage or lost in the haze of nothingness Scott would smile, lay back and simply listen. Nothing seemed to phase him. He was forever encased in this state of contentment and ease. I saw things differently when I was around him. People didn’t seem so threatening or malevolent anymore and the atmosphere that often hung so heavy and hostile in the air had dissipated and left nothing but peace.

Many times I sat outside the school building with Scott by my side. In those days I rarely spoke to him in public. I was afraid of what people might think or say. However the silence was all we needed at times as it allowed us to just be, to just exist, and in doing so allowed me time to question my existence, his existence. Sometimes we’d get the school bus back to mine or sometimes we would part ways and talk to each other later on. We’d often spend a lot of time hidden in my room and I would share my deepest thoughts and feelings and he would share his and for the first time I felt a powerful bond, a solid connection of equals, where we were no better or worse than one another and we could use each other to grow and learn. I did still feel he was my role model, my older brother, and that I benefited more from his words than he did mine but we felt equal in the way that my views and opinions were never second best or looked down upon nor were my hopes and fears or dreams ever mocked.

However our meaningful friendship hasn’t been without it’s complications or problems. I recall the time we attended a wedding and we both went off to get some air and escape from everyone else. I slumped down in  my chair and closed my eyes and began to talk to him only to be disturbed by my mother who asked, rather concerned, “Who are you talking to?”.

“Where did you come from?”

“I don’t know. Somewhere else.”

“Are you real?”

"Yes, at least I believe I am, as much as you believe you are real.”

“Then how come only I can see and hear you?”

“You can only see and hear a lot of things. It’s never stopped you believing.”

“I suppose so.”

And with that my friendship with Scott began and for 7 long years we have observed each other grow, both our physical appearance and our personalities and although I can never drink with my friend at the pub or go bowling, play football or even embrace (at least in this plane of existence) I could never wish for a more better friendship than with my hallucinated, imaginary best friend, Scott.

[M Hunter]

Normally Scott appears as just a voice so I hear him. Sometimes he is outside my head and sometimes it's more like he's in my head.  I know when it's him talking by his accent which is a mixture of various english accents so I don't get scared when he randomly just starts talking. I sometimes see him as well but it kind of varies. Sometimes he's there but isn't that clear or sometimes I just know he's in the room. I can feel his presence. Sometimes he's there and it's clear but that's quite rare now.

[Paracosm]

So, is Scott imaginary in that you see him with your "mind's eye" just as you can imagine anything else that obviously isn't actually there, or is he more like a hallucination in that you can see him just as you can see anyone else?

It will be nice when they finally find out what exactly MD is. There's so much variation, although I think a lot of it just comes down to personality (such as the pacing thing). I daydreamed a lot when I was really young too, but it's hard to say if it was MD or just the natural thing a child does, since it didn't became a way of distraction or escape until later, although I have created fictional characters in my head since I can remember, and I'm not sure if that's a normal thing. Or maybe it was an FPP thing, but I don't know if that applies to me anymore, if it ever applied to me at all. So confusing..

[M Hunter]

Thanks for the reply Paracosm. Yeah I understand that feeling both in relation to daydream characters and to my other parts/voices/alters,etc. The connections I have are very real and it can be pretty horrible when reality kicks in.

As far as do I have MD or not I suppose that depends on what your belief around MD is. Do I think I have it as a stand alone condition? No. Seeing as I have a fantasy prone personality I think a lot of the daydreaming/fantasizing is related to that but I did a lot of excessive daydreaming as a kid and would get mixed between fantasy and reality a lot but it didn't matter then. It didn't feel bad or life consuming. However I think that things have become more maladaptive as time has gone on so if I was to say I have a fantasy prone personality and one of the negative symptoms of that is MD then yeah, I'd say I have MD. I hope that made sense.

[Paracosm]

So beautifully described. :)

This reminds me of the relationship I have with one of characters. Honestly, I don't like to refer to him as a "character" because to me, he's a real, living, and breathing human being with personality, feeling, and everything else that makes him real. He really is the part of me that I wish I could be. There are times when I'm overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness and sadness, and he's always there for me to give me strength. I don't know what I'd do without him. He embodies everything I would consider to be the perfect friendship. If only he was real...

So, just out of curiosity, and sorry if you've answered this question elsewhere, but are you now thinking that you don't have maladaptive daydreaming?

[Jenna]

XD Well isn't your mom nice?

[M Hunter]

"It makes sense, sorry I wasn't sure what to refer to you as. "- Don't worry my mum normally refers to me as "not being quite right in the head" lol.

[Jenna]

No problem M! I see, yeah the mind is complicated, but I get what you mean. It makes sense, sorry I wasn't sure what to refer to you as.  >.< I find that interesting how your brain did that though, and I wonder if that didn't happen how much would you be like Scoot and Darren?

Anyways, oh I see. I know they are both different, but most mental disorder tend to overlap. Also I've never looked that much in to FPP so sorry fro the misunderstanding. I can  understand that part, mental health is just complicated in so many ways, The mind is weird.

[M Hunter]

Thanks Jenna. I've had mixed feelings about my relationship with Scott (and everybody else floating around in my head). The thing is I don't have psychosis, after all these years of been told I do, which means that Scott and Co technically aren't hallucinations, not in the way a psychotic hallucination is anyway. As I'm now DID (wonder how long that will last) Scott and friends ARE real but in the sense they are parts of me. Meds wont make them vanish. They are parts of me that didn't really form properly and so had to form as different people so in that sense, yes they are real, but real as in they exist outside of me and my brain, no.

I'd like to add that my FPP and DID are separate issues and it was my intense involvement with fantasy due to my FPP as a child that may have contributed to DID. I hoped that made sense. Either way chances are that's a load of b***ocks and I'm not any of these things lol. Docs so quick to change their minds n'all but there ya go.

[Jenna]

Although doctors or most people anyways would typically tell you, that you are batty. I find your relationship with Scott amazing, I think he may not be real, but "real" to you has helped you copped better then you would have if you only had Darrel.  It's hard to describe, but you just have this special bond with him being, "real" to you.

I think  in a way at least those on Wildminds attached to characters and/or a character can relate even though it is completely different circumstances.   Specifically those that are emotionally attached and have main characters instead of improved personals of  themselves, but it is still possibly.  I hope it makes sense, I'm not trying to compare what your conditions are (I'd say psychosis, but your doctor is leaning towards Fantasy Prone Personality ) to daydreaming.