Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

It seems clear, I live on 'planet Jessica.' I am so unique. In a way, everything I do is questionable to people. Well, I also happen to have autism spectrum disorder. I mean, I do certain things with my hands, face, eye movements and body gestures that may come off as weird to everyone else. When I was so much younger, I thought people wouldn't think anything of this, perhaps be open to it, or at least not react like I am completely nuts. I believed that I would see stuff I wanted and expected come over the horizon. But had no inclination that my 'funny acts' were actually effecting people around me significantly. For instance, when I was a kid, I would adapt a new trend of persona, form of speech or bodily ritual I picked up from somebody who inspired me (etc. a movie, TV show, a real person). I often believed I could get away with it! I've even mimicked a line from an actor on a TV series. Maybe a few times too. Or perhaps, non-verbally I would imagine living different lives pertaining to an upcoming event in my real life. Other times, I'd pick up unusual habits, perhaps thinking I was being so cool. At the same time, I was complacent that all of 'this' had no harm on my future.
I would still have a warm, affectionate, giving future; etc. get married, have kids, purchase a house, do work that I enjoy.

When I grew up, I was dead wrong. My brain health changed. My mom began to get distraught and believed I was insane. She even started considering psychiatry. My dad tried to back me up and believed my cases of dreaming was really just a useful tool for practicing art. I tried to pursue relationships with people, but all they noticed is that I was far too quiet, very jittery or looked as if I was in another world. Even my quirky looking body gestures and expressions looked really lame and stupid to them, perhaps even crazy. They began to wonder if I was quite 'OK.' Assumed I had headaches or maybe I needed to go home early. A lot of rest will dispense my performance inadequacies.

Getting through my 20's, I could rarely relate myself to people on any given level. I wasn't in the norm, but everybody else was. I was Atypical. Yet, everybody was Neurotypical. So, it was extremely hard and almost impossible if I ever wanted to find a date. I earned a college degree, but struggled to find a decent job, so I never earned my independence or lived up to my career goal of being a graphic designer. Also, I've always wanted to travel. This didn't happen either. I had no money. These realities were cold and brutal. I was like a wake up call.

I started a drinking habit that went on for five years. I couldn't go anywhere without wearing my sunglasses 'cause I was burnt up with embarrassment in the after effects of my irresponsible actions. I gained quite a bit of weight. I tried to find beneficial design jobs, but instead, landed in contract jobs that were uncreative and felt like 'a waste of time.' My mother began to complain that I never listened to her and felt I didn't live 'on Earth' half the time. My whole family easily could tell I still day dreamed, because my eyes sometimes would look dazed and far off.

When I stumbled on Wild Mind, the website practically saved my bacon. It shakes me up, but makes me realize I can still change and get better chances in future.

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on August 22, 2017 at 6:58am

You're sweet, thanks.

Comment by Fallen Messenger on August 21, 2017 at 6:35pm

"When I stumbled on Wild Mind, the website practically saved my bacon. It shakes me up, but makes me realize I can still change and get better chances in future."

This is all you need. I know life sucks, a lot, but just focus on the good (such as stated above) and the negative will fade into the background. You are strong, stronger than most people, don't forget that.

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