Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

I wasn't diagnosed with asperger syndrome (ASD) until my 30's. So, I had an emotionally chaotic time getting through life facing conflicts with many people who got the wrong ideas about me. I was special, imaginative and gifted, but couldn't connect to other ordinary, average and regular kids going to school. I often got mercilessly bullied and called 'weird' or 'strange.' Although I was highly intelligent, I was also not a very chatty child, so other peers would snap to assumptions that I was 'so very stupid.' I often convinced myself that these conflicts were only temporary and that I'd eventually have a bright and golden future. I hoped for Love, Friendships and Relationships to come my way, Great Career Success and even Good Adventurous Journeys to come my way in future. Unfortunately, this wasn't a very realistic case scenario, for someone who is so different, has a overloaded imagination, and doesn't blend in with Normal neurotypical people who may find Daydreaming all 'Psychotic and Wrong.'

Being a misunderstood young child who couldn't get around without being teased, bullied, sand scrutinized--- at age 12 I created imaginary worlds for myself to get away from my realistic dilemmas. As a teenager I wasn't asked by guys to go out on dates with them. I was considered to be too quiet, humble and timid for dating material. A majority of the time in high school my imagination was getting very strong, so I began evoking expressions and bodily gestures on an ongoing basis, Such as Laughing, Smiling, Crying, Anger etc. Also DD made me so very quiet that teachers, students and parents were penetrating on my strange case. Students found me just so weird and creepy, got uncomfortable with my 'Laughing' out of the blue and avoided me at all costs. I'd come home and spend lots of time DD while listening to music, reading books and watching my favorite TV programs. My dad began to worry about my reclusive ways, noticed I wasn't making friends, or developing relationships with guys--- just seem to hang around in my shell all day. The Real Truth Stood, I had too much trouble connecting with people on any Relational Level, so often, I did my very own independent things.

On the constant got of job hunting, Even if I did snag the worm, the opportunity didn't last, because I failed to listen to instructions, watch demonstrations closely, and use my critical thinking cap...while there was a cu-jumble of fantastical stories spurring in my head simultaneously. Believe me, I often walked around talking to fictional characters in my head, meanwhile real people may have been about to say something to me. I can tell you, I never got caught dead around other people...because they could tell by my far-off daze, my laughing, my zoning out and my weird gliding movements.

Now at the age of 30, I still do it from time to time, but I now understand that daydreaming won't solve my life's complications, such as low income, dependence on relatives, lack of a social life and very few open career options.

I grew up and still live in the same neighborhood and country since I was 6, having never moved out, never fully blossomed and made my way in the real world. I walk the pathways feeling Funky that my peers all grew up and moved away over a decade ago, yet I still remain here rekindling every moment in my past that never worked out or something very wrong, etc. life opportunities, peer pressures and never experiencing real existing human relationships. 

Looking back at my 30 years of early life, it's so creepy to look back at a whole lifetime of fitting in badly and never having chances to develop relationships with people my own age, all due to a combination of ASD and maladaptive daydreaming. "Creepy" I mean, as in like a Human Haunting; poignant and evocative; difficult to ignore or forget.

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on May 10, 2017 at 6:29am

Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I was friends with a girl for 14 years, since we were teenagers, and she was the longest standing relationship of my life! Everybody lasted merely for a short period of time only. Reason why? Well, they all reacted towards me the same way as my snooty sister. They found me very weird and idiotic, that I didn't really live in the real world, and didn't think for others, due to DD. They did notice my strange 'crack ups', my inability to speak, my funny bodily maneuvers--and so much more. Also, I was a gifted artist, so making friends in high school was a real big no-happen-er. In College I was very shy. There was a diversity of students in art & design, but somehow, I still struggled to connect with them. Just like high school, they found it hard to 'like' and 'agree' with me 100%. I have had two first year fine art students who were unsure if I was the right fit of a friend for their twosome--saw I was really 'awkward spoken.' In fact, on a College road trip to New York City, I found my self arguing with an illustration student--she found me brainless and irresponsible, also kind of a weirdo. A Korean student I budded up for a year kept on disputing my idiotic laughing smiles--we broke apart after an online fight.
Also, in the workforce, it really got no different. Several colleges I worked with found me so very quiet, kind of cold and not interactive. Employers and Managers were heating up on me, because I wouldn't listen and absorb to what they were saying to me--leading me to termination. A couple of them have even figured out that my mind was some where else!!

Now I freelance at home while my mom works alone in her garden. Just Yesterday, She told me yesterday to help her put up bamboo garden poles on my break, but I forgot, and she got pretty mad! She even told my dad was happened and he had a talk with me. So, I have learned a very valuable lesson after all these events. Imagination is a good tool for doing my artwork, writing songs and stories, but in real life--no. I keep on practicing that I have to be here at all times.

Comment by MatthewR on May 9, 2017 at 11:59pm

You know, I read somewhere that it takes 7 years to form life-long relationships. That is, once a person has been in your life for 7 years, it's almost guaranteed that he or she will stick around for good. When I reflect on my life (I'm 32, btw), I realize that I've never actually had friends that lasted more than 3 years (excluding online contacts, because i've never met most of them). I think i've just come to expect that people will eventually leave me, and so i never develop more intimate connections with anyone. I feel like this has been an unspoken issue for me that has only recently been brought to light. I totally sympathize, because i do struggle with many of the things you describe--people have caught me smiling like an idiot many times because i was so thoroughly engrossed in a daydream. I think, to compensate, for being so isolated in my childhood, i conjured up fantasies that made me feel powerful or loved or accepted. Eventually my daydreaming characters lasted longer than my real life friends, and that's how it's been for years and years with me--I've had more stable relationships with figments than humans.

Anyway, this is where i am now. Once i realized that my daydreaming was provoked by the same fears that upset me when i was younger, i was able to face them more rationally. I'm still not 100% well, because i still feel this nagging sense of pointlessness. I'm not sure i really want to connect with anyone--i feel like i just want to disappear and be done with it. But this might just be the depressed me and not the real me, lol. I don't think i've ever felt more "outside" everything than i do now. But I also think many people on this site feel this way, that MDD has done nothing but deprive them of having truly great moments in life. Others are more okay with daydreaming once in a while, and maybe i can work to being that way one day, as well.

Thanks for this post! You're definitely not alone anymore. Maybe I'll see you in chat sometime. Take care!

  

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