Where wild minds come to rest
I wasn't diagnosed with asperger syndrome (ASD) until my 30's. So, I had an emotionally chaotic time getting through life facing conflicts with many people who got the wrong ideas about me. I was special, imaginative and gifted, but couldn't connect to other ordinary, average and regular kids going to school. I often got mercilessly bullied and called 'weird' or 'strange.' Although I was highly intelligent, I was also not a very chatty child, so other peers would snap to assumptions that I was 'so very stupid.' I often convinced myself that these conflicts were only temporary and that I'd eventually have a bright and golden future. I hoped for Love, Friendships and Relationships to come my way, Great Career Success and even Good Adventurous Journeys to come my way in future. Unfortunately, this wasn't a very realistic case scenario, for someone who is so different, has a overloaded imagination, and doesn't blend in with Normal neurotypical people who may find Daydreaming all 'Psychotic and Wrong.'
Being a misunderstood young child who couldn't get around without being teased, bullied, sand scrutinized--- at age 12 I created imaginary worlds for myself to get away from my realistic dilemmas. As a teenager I wasn't asked by guys to go out on dates with them. I was considered to be too quiet, humble and timid for dating material. A majority of the time in high school my imagination was getting very strong, so I began evoking expressions and bodily gestures on an ongoing basis, Such as Laughing, Smiling, Crying, Anger etc. Also DD made me so very quiet that teachers, students and parents were penetrating on my strange case. Students found me just so weird and creepy, got uncomfortable with my 'Laughing' out of the blue and avoided me at all costs. I'd come home and spend lots of time DD while listening to music, reading books and watching my favorite TV programs. My dad began to worry about my reclusive ways, noticed I wasn't making friends, or developing relationships with guys--- just seem to hang around in my shell all day. The Real Truth Stood, I had too much trouble connecting with people on any Relational Level, so often, I did my very own independent things.
On the constant got of job hunting, Even if I did snag the worm, the opportunity didn't last, because I failed to listen to instructions, watch demonstrations closely, and use my critical thinking cap...while there was a cu-jumble of fantastical stories spurring in my head simultaneously. Believe me, I often walked around talking to fictional characters in my head, meanwhile real people may have been about to say something to me. I can tell you, I never got caught dead around other people...because they could tell by my far-off daze, my laughing, my zoning out and my weird gliding movements.
Now at the age of 30, I still do it from time to time, but I now understand that daydreaming won't solve my life's complications, such as low income, dependence on relatives, lack of a social life and very few open career options.
I grew up and still live in the same neighborhood and country since I was 6, having never moved out, never fully blossomed and made my way in the real world. I walk the pathways feeling Funky that my peers all grew up and moved away over a decade ago, yet I still remain here rekindling every moment in my past that never worked out or something very wrong, etc. life opportunities, peer pressures and never experiencing real existing human relationships.
Looking back at my 30 years of early life, it's so creepy to look back at a whole lifetime of fitting in badly and never having chances to develop relationships with people my own age, all due to a combination of ASD and maladaptive daydreaming. "Creepy" I mean, as in like a Human Haunting; poignant and evocative; difficult to ignore or forget.