Not Taking No For An Answer .

[Amanda Lynne]

Last night I told my mom about everything. I tried to start it off as no big deal, but naturally, I ended up crying and saying stuff that didn't even make sense.

She was really nice about it, which honestly makes it worse for me. I feel like the biggest dissapointment ever as a kid. Which I know is wrong, because I didn't ask for this, it's no one's fault. She's thinking I might have a mild case of Asperger's. When she said that I blew up. I was surprised at how upset I got.

Honestly, I have never felt so helpless. This whole wave of discomfort with myself hit me today. When I looked in the mirror yesterday, I saw a girl with a daydreaming problem, today I don't even see a girl, it's like I'm wearing a big red sticker across my forehead that says "aspie".

I noticed a lot of my behavior today. How I mutter when I speak, how I stare at people, how I make weird faces and how weird and quiet I get when I shut down and how terrible my social skills are overall. I noticed how I can't say a word about daydreaming without crying. I feel doomed. Like there's nothing I can do about anything, even if I want to. I feel like a misfit, I feel like a defefective reject. People say maybe this is all a gift, maybe I can be an author or actress someday, but I don't want to. I just wanna be a happy normal person. I try to dumb down everything I write and say, that's how stubborn I am against this "asperger's" thing.

So I had my day at whining. I'm done now for the most part. Point of all this was it doesn't have to be hopeless, if you ask me. You can't feel that way about life. Web MD might tell you you have a chemical imbalance and all you can do is take meds, and learn to cope but I think if you say you can do more, you can.

I know not everyone is a theist, but I am. I couldn't make it without knowing that there's someone up there who is stronger than these disorders, and a million and twelve times stronger than me.

I think what I'm saying is keep on keepin' on. No one deserves MDD or Asperger's or Depression just like no one deserves cancer or abuse. Pain is pain though. Everyone has their own reason to cry. Keep trying and don't take no for an answer. Be ridiculously optimistic, even if your life has been ridiculously hard. If people can be dead for hours and come back to life, we can knock out a few bad habits. It's not all as hopeless as it seems. I've met people with disorders and addictions who are doing great now.

I know it sucks sometimes, but hold on to that faith that everyone, especially dreamers, have. ♥