My MD

[Mai Xiong]

I daydream excessive because of life. It became hard and I need a release. When there are too much to bear and too much to feel I turn them into stories in my head so that the burden may be lighter.

 

I am not like some people that say they feel alone in a group of friends, but I understand their feeling. I can sympathy with them—the feeling of being an outsider in group where people know each other. I can understand how my MD developed. I was lonely and hurt. I was afraid and no one to take my hand and guide. I have tears in my eyes when I shared stuff that is close to my heart it may just be a simple thing I don’t usually tell people. I one time thought I could tell things to an associate. She was nice, encouraging, and open mind. But, I was kinda wrong. It wasn’t the story I told her that stood out, but the tears that started to clog my eyes. It was strange to her and since then I knew. I don’t think I am unfortunate, but I do wonder why I don’t have many friends, why it is so hard for me to click with many people. My circle was always small. I sometime feel alone. Everyone was walking with someone and I was walking alone. So I created my character—a warrior who stood alone. Her body was tattoos with scars from battles. No body really acknowledges her. She works from the shadow and everybody misunderstood her with few exception but these exceptions doesn’t attempt to understand her or support her. They kept their distance and don’t associate with her as much. She has strong ability, but no body really knows what she can do and her power.

 

MD expressed what I feel. It prevents me from seeing solution and strength. It is only when I stop and ask myself, why am I imagining my character this way. When I compared, I see how similar my situation was to my daydreaming. My MD was expressing what I felt and what I want, but not the strength for me to confront and withstand what was affecting me.  

 

Right now, my character went through painful transformation to look like someone else, the daughter of a strong general. Her transformation was unwanted. When the blood of the injured general and his wife’s locked of hair found their way to the palm of her hand her skin broke down the materials and absorb them. In my MD, she was a changeling, an extremely rare thing, meaning someone who has a special type of gene that will take the genetic materials of someone else and apply it to her body to make it as if she is the offspring of that being or couples. I will not go into details as much. That transformation created a face and body that look similar to their second youngest daughter. The only different was their hair and eye color. I made my character look like someone else. This was unwanted, but my mind made it. This says I didn’t want to, but I was push to be someone else. It says a lot about how I feel about myself. It says I feel uncomfortable in my own skin. I see them beautiful, but not myself. I see important and love in their life, but I don’t see them in mine. I see them have strength, power, and friends, but I don’t see mine. However, the different hair and eye color says something. It says I still have awareness—the sense to question. A little of me is still left. In my MD, my character was mistaken for the other. She was taken into their circle and for a while she was part of them. She was injured and they saved her because she was mistaken for that other girl. I probably want to be like those people, be part of their circle and for a while be them. But always I will know I am not them because I made my character feel indifferent to these people. She warm up, but always know she isn’t who they think she is. She does not respond to the name they call her because that isn’t her name.

 

I must be careful of what I imagine because it carries power—the ability to clog my mind and trap me in this endless world. A world where there is no solution and I will replay the scene to not understand the meaning behind them. I feel I can alter my feeling of confidence, strength and hope through how I imagine my character. My character reflects me, but I must make her reflect me in a positive light. I can’t feel lonely and made her lonely too. I should make her have a friend; someone who holds and tells her it is alright. Or I can simply choose to not MD. My mind is a lot clearer when I don’t have an illusion up in my head. Most often MD isn’t because I am bore, but because I am afraid. But yes, I also do MD when I am bore, having too much excitement and sensation that I can’t channel out.  

[The1andonlyAbber]

I feel the same way--that my characters reflect me a lot and learning about them can help me learn about myself.

[Alta Morden]

You are a thoughtful and self aware person.  You clearly have thought long and deeply about the relationship between your dream life and your everyday life.  I am impressed that you try to manipulate how you feel about and relate to things in everyday life by manipulating your character.