Where wild minds come to rest
I decided to write this post instead of plunging into my daydreams.
I'm writing this post, because I feel frustrated.
I'm about to fall apart. Not the first time and definitely not the last.
I've wasted a week on daydreaming. Instead of doing research for my dissertation, looking for a job, preparing for jobi nterviews, writing a personal statement for my postgraduate application, studying for my courses to make most of this last semester of my undergrad studies, going out to people, I've been walking in circles around my ridiculously small room pretending I'm someone else. A better me. That 'me' I will never be, because I don't even try to make it come true. It's so much easier to pace around and play it out.
It's end of January. I have three months left for my dissertation deadline and final exams.
In a month time I will be 23 and that is definitely not a reason to celebrate.
I've never been in a relationship, I hardly keep in touch with my friends and my family, I have no passion, I can't find a job, I'm finishing my studies and I'm spending most of the time in my head. I'm pathetic.
And because I feel so pathetic I run away. From myself and from my life.
There, in my head, I just forget. I forget about all that hate, contempt and disgust. I forget that I can't stand myself and what I'm doing (or rather not doing) with my life.
I feel like a marble statue who panickly wants to move. One milimeter grows ad infinitum. That small step I want to make seems so out of reach. The more I want, the more I feel I can't make it.
I feel like suffocating. I wish I could tear myself apart and leave my body, crush my skull and just flee. Just get out of my skin. But then I remind myself that it doesn't matter how many times I changed the skin, I would never run away from myself.
I have no idea what must happen for me to finally wake up and take things into my hands, to live. It seems as if nothing works.
I hate this state of limbo - between here and there. I wish I was strong enough to choose. Either decide to live here, or just go once for all inwards. I hate this life, this perpetual moulding and disintegration. Moulding and disintegration.