Where wild minds come to rest
So I feel like I need to just rant a bit tonight.......
For months now, I've been feeling like I can't quite get a handle on my actual real life, and I can't figure out why. For once, it's not because of DD.
I haven't actually been able to really immerse myself in DD for.... months and months really. I made myself quit because it was a bad time in my life and I needed some space to sort things out. Some parts of my life have become unexpectedly great -- socializing, dating, church-going. That's all much better.
But some parts of my life just feel like they're doomed to tank. Figuring out a career sucks, running out of money sucks, and lying to people sucks. I can't figure out how to make myself make these problems go away. Now that I don't have DD to blame, I keep wanting to blame myself for everything. And that just feels super shitty.
(Actually, are we allowed to swear on this forum? I'm from new york so 'shit' is not really a swear word to me).
But I've been trying to keep myself out of DD even though I'm feeling low. To me, since discovering this forum, I see DD as more of a huge and beautiful gift, and for all that it causes me tons of procrastination problems, I don't want it to go away forever and I don't want to associate it with bad feelings. But it's so odd and uncomfortable and sometimes just flat out painful to have to experience all these negative things, and not have my secret little cave to run away to.
Sidenote: I just realized that that's where all my emotions always go to. I'm very unexpressive irl, and I think I just realized that it's because I sublimate it all into the dream. Like: "file it away, I'll deal with it later." Huh. Breakthrough.
Anyway, does anyone feel like life is just unnecessarily hard sometimes? And if you decide you don't want to DD, and if you don't drink or smoke it out or something, what do you do?
... I feel like most "normals" would just talk it out with their friends or something, but I hate complaining and I hate myself when I'm complaining, so I don't usually go with that route. I hate how I feel after wasting time on the internet, so I've been trying to avoid that. And then if people say just watch a movie or read a book, I really can't because typically that'll trigger the DD. Even a nonfiction thing. So lately I just drink tea and do nothing and that's great for a while, but it's getting boring. I'm taking up running, but my feet are getting sore.
I don't want other passions. I want to immerse myself back in DDs, but I also don't really feel safe to do so. I want to feel grateful for where I've come in life, but I also feel overwhelmingly gray when I'm not DDing, and aa little bit scared of the weirdness that's still inside me. I feel so caught in between.
I wish I could just take the energy I use for DD and put it into solving all my actual worries, but something always gets lost along the way.