Wild Minds Network

Where wild minds come to rest

Has anybody ever had a tough, embarrassing and traumatic background etc. too much bullying and harassment, not fitting in EVER, being misunderstood, especially not getting the 'big picture' until your so much older. Does it ever feel creepy (haunting) to revisit those moments in your life and finally see what went wrong, even though, it was so many years ago **decades ago**, it's kind of late to resolve them or explain to someone what's up etc. maladaptive daydreaming or social disorders.

I was a kid who didn't have it easy socially. Maladaptive daydreaming filled my head with fantasies, and made me believe certain things would come true in real life. Eventually, lots of people have told me that's not the way it is, not in the real world. Even if I tried to make things vital, not everybody 'thought so', kind of gossiped and snickered, said mean things or silently refused. It's as though I wanted to blend in, but several didn't agree well with me, rather they found me all scared and shy...or didn't find me comfortable fit. Noticed there were too many things about me all weird and off-center. Just the way they were.

It wasn't until ages 29-31, I got blown away by harsh cold realities of things. I discovered that I had Asperger Syndrome, which is why I had trouble connecting with just about anyone. However in my past, nobody in my school years knew of Asperger Syndrome, so they thought I was just this loser that never fit in anywhere. Also, I was a nearly non-verbal AS type who was also clumsy and had a learning disability, so everybody underestimated me as very stupid, when really, I was highly intelligent. In high school, everybody rejected me as a friend because I just wouldn't talk and dating other guys was out of the question. Many guys just found me very strange, unattractive, dumb-looking and rather unfriendly. Unlike the bubbly, sexy and chatty cheerleaders they were usually seeing.

Overall, growing up was struggling, just as much as being a teenager. Non-family members in public found me too-quiet, unfriendly, impolite, tunnel-visioned, stupid and really crazy. It also 'clicked in' with them that I was day dreaming, just be seeing my dazed eyes or distant stares. So dealing with adult strangers was even worse than dealing with bratty kids.

So turning 31, I now see 'how everybody really feel when they look at me.' Looking back at my youthful beliefs, they now all look very 'silly.'

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Comment by Jessica Ballantyne on July 5, 2017 at 2:50pm

Yeah, being stuck in your own head, it's very hard to see 'through other people's eyes' how you must appear and approach them in public. Unfortunately, when I was a child, I did have a mind that was younger than me, I say when I was 9, to lots of kids, I really sounded like a 4-5 year old. So they'd test me with math and English questions. They'd ask me if I knew my very own name. Some girls even popped the the word 'Period' in my face, and wondered if I knew of it.

Yes, being 31 years old, I can only assume I am really 16-18 years old in my mind. So many other women my age sound very sophisticated with their extensive vocabulary and well-spoken statements, also their intelligent perception towards the world around them. Though, I also have a highly intelligent observational mindset under certain subject matters, I've always struggled to verbalize what I'm thinking, let alone, articulate how I determine the matter of things or how I visualize an interesting point. So, People will just get confused and not understand what I'm getting at, which can be extremely frustrating and an embarrassing let down. Ultimately, I will just keep my mouth shut and think to myself. However, If I'm quiet for way too long, especially around new people, they will gasp at how abnormally untalkative I am, and find me very weird or stupid. In future, I have always spoken in an easy English that everybody can understand. Then, rah-har...People will start to think I sound so very obvious!

It is all really a game of how well spoken you are, how moving and charming you are towards others, and of course, the ability to prove how intelligent and 'attractive' you are by mastering your whole display of 'socially acceptable' personality. Of course, with me, I just sat there keeping my mouth shut and thinking things will turn out cool at some point, when really, I did have to worry about paying attention to the details.

Unfortunately, people with Asperger Syndrome do not see this! All they see are their wishful sequence of fantasies that comfort them when things about 'real life' are so unwelcoming. We do not have a neurotypical brain so we can't help ourselves! We don't know what we miss in neurotypical society. So when we get old enough, having more experience under our belts, we begin to pick up points we never observed before. Annoying enough, by the time we do, it is probably too late, so now we can't say, "Whoops, sorry you guys, I didn't know, unless you taught me some lessons." Of course my sister finally did, that is, when we both were all grown up. I must say, she wasn't one bit kind about it all. She's a neurotypical herself.

Comment by Katie Reed on July 5, 2017 at 1:46pm

Sometimes I'm just travelling on the bus and it hits me out of nowhere exactly what some detail from my past means. maybe from 15 or 20 years ago. I can feel pretty dumb and it can definitely haunt my thoughts. I will find it difficult to process and it always sparks the comforting MDD sessions.

I feel very strongly that I can relate to what you are saying and many of your experiences. I don't have a diagnosis but fit much of the criteria. Too expensive and too exhausting convincing people to listen to me and in reality, it won't achieve anything. I might be wrong but I don't accept that I am neurotypical. If you just do 1 million things to change your entire personality then you will be just fine they say.

I think it's good you are aware now as it shows personal growth and progress, sure it's a little late. Often I fell like I have the mentality of a 20-year-old and I'me 32. But age 18 I was more like 12.

Every time I make a good point or produce work of quality I can see how shocked people are. Less that a handful of people get to see the true me as the don't have the patience. There loss. I've realised I'm happy this way. It takes away the pressure, so long as no one tries to the credit.

The worst is when people routinely dismiss the loneliness that people like us have experience as they cannot comprehend it. They cannot see that it is possible so they deny it is going on at all. Therapists have said to my face. You must have had friends as a child, you must have.

I find myself feeling angry more than anything and wishing I could jot back into time and put people in their place for the assumptions made about me.

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