Just thought I'll introduce myself.

[Mai Xiong]

Hi, I go by the name Mai. Like many others, I did not know what I was dealing with is maladaptive daydreaming for a long time.

It started when I was in elementary school. I was a very quiet kid and had few friends. I always felt left out. Even friend weren't really that much of friends. We were just like a group of kids hanging around each other. Even as a quiet child, I craved attention from other children. I started to lie, making up simple stories in my head that I would tell to the other kids. They believed me or the young me thought they did. Elementary school wasn't easy. I always felt like I couldn't connect well with the other kids. I didn’t understand why they did what they did and sometimes I regretted my actions. Other times, I wondered why I did what I did and what they thought of it. Exactly when in elementary did I start daydreaming? I don't remember. I just knew I was very lonely, very shy, and very left out. I probably had low self-esteem. So, when I was introduced to manga and anime, I saw another world. The world that I can have everything I desire. The only thing is I can't touch it. I learned to imagine in the more complex level.

 

I came to love it. I enjoy being in my head. This made me more okay being alone. But, I had a lot of social anxiety and soon I came to depend on this imagination to fuel me and keep me alive. I began to notice as I age that I am lonely. My imagination can't manifest, my desire truly does not exist in my reality, but only the world in my head.

 

I didn't start to daydream heavy until the end of high school. I actually went through high school barely daydreaming. I only daydreamed when I watched or read something that extremely moved me. I also had some outlet: my writing and my art. Now, I don’t have any outlet other than movies and entertainment. College has kicked me into a room with no windows. No outlet for my pain, my stress, and my creativity. The only outlet I had was my daydreaming. I spun stories of who I want to be, what I want to be capable of, my lovers, my friends, my powers, and the stage where I'll shine. I became obsess with this world in my head. I daydream of what I don't have, I daydream of what I want, and I daydream to escape. I thought of them, I found them loving, but I can't connect with them, the characters in my head. They do not feel real, but it still consume my mind and interfere with my work and study.

 

It didn't take me long to realize this is like an addiction. I began to understand that excessively daydreaming is not good for me. I knew it plays with my confident, and it plays with my ability to socialize. Daydreaming put me in a daze that once I step back into reality I feel very low self-esteem and at time afraid of the world. What kills me is the fact that none of my characters will ever live in my life. I can't touch, talk to them and have them around in my reality. It hurts because I realize this is what I desire not what I have. It is not my mine.

 

These stories I spun fill my head, not my being. It began to become more of a reality that I was empty. I started to question, is this all to life? to be in my head, to live like this every day--daydreaming and never seeing it manifest? None of the stories in my head are real and will never be real. I want to come back to reality. I want to live in this world I called reality because I cannot forsake this world. It is this reality that I live and not the world I think of. I once took the stand to not daydream excessively last semester. It went okay, I feel grounded. But, this semester a childhood friend, the one that went through many classes and time with me passed away. It was hard and unbalanced me. Daydream was my escape and my pain reliever. It became a habit for me. An online friend mention maladaptive daydreaming to me once before, but I didn't research it until now when I need to get my daydreaming addiction under control.

 

It’s okay to daydream, but excessively--no. That sums me up--my history.

[Faye]

Welcome Mai! Join the club, you are definitely not alone. I think this is the biggest relief for anyone who stumbles across this site for the first time. You realize that there are others here who can relate to you.

I find that sharing and contributing with other people from time to time helps me make better sense of my MD. 

So best of luck to you! :P :D

[tiziana]

Welcome Mai...you're not alone here...It happens so often that my DD blocks my entire activities. And I feel so bad...it's magical, it's wonderful but not excessively as you said...it can waste your entire life...