Just some thoughts/observations about daydreaming and life

[S K]

Disclaimer: I typed these onto a word document due to my lack of internet access, almost compulsively in an extremely emotional state as I wanted to get it all out.It thus may not make complete sense-(correction) it makes  sense but is disjointed like a couple of topics have been coalesced(cut-copy-paste) to form an article.

When I am stressed, really panicking, I realize my real mind shuts down and I start going uncontrollably into my MD world where I am well taken care of, have plenty of support for my problems and friends. This happens especially when something is urgent, I have been on the spot or I have to confront someone. Basically when I am terrified out of my wits and don’t know what to do. The girl in the MD usually finds a knight in shining armor who always miraculously knows just how to help and turn her life around.

Even though the starting point is the present problem eventually it morphs into one where who I am and what I am dreaming about are two totally different people I.

 

I play out multiple repetitive scenarios of the situation with each one having a different event and endings but with the same basic storyline. The scenario this time involved a bad-boy longtime semi-celebrity bachelor who in real life may be gay and who isn’t the politest person or even likable in real life who eventually after saving me from the mess I’m in, falls in love with me and I sort-of end saving him (what-a-cliché) or I get a bunch of semi-celebrity friends and we stay friends or I date/marry another person and then go back to the original savior, after breaking up/death of the other person who by the way as his own central dream sequences for years (It’s like a comic-book universe)or other people from my past who I hardly spoke to, make appearances in the later, more complex scenarios. (As in after 5-6 different ways/methods and situations have been allowed for)

I can, in the dream totally turn things around and become immensely successful and even use the present problem to my advantage whereas in real life I am trapped, stressed and hyperventilating and have no solution or confidante on hand.

 

Obviously even if I were to meet someone the absurdity of all the problems sweeping away strikes me as an antidote, a temporary, involuntary, blissful and unrealistic one though, to my problems. But my mind automatically goes there which is a little scary. What I am getting worried about is a) getting married off b) getting a job c) not becoming completely independent, basically things are not going my way, I feel are not in my control whereas in my dream I am in control.

 

My daydreams are like sitcoms I feel, with a feel-good laugh-track in the background (there isn’t actually a laugh-track, I am just trying to describe the mood) just the important highlights of a life, no actual work, nothing boring and none of the awkwardness that accompanies me in real life.

 

I function out of fear in real life, a perpetual fight-or-flight response. It’s a hold-over from my childhood, either it is an all out panic- attack situation in which work/function does happen or its absolute fear (at home usually) in which I am lackadaisical and lethargic. There is no healthy level of functioning. I have tried to achieve this level since my breakdown in August but I am reverting back to it even to be functional in little aspects of my life such as calling recruiters or confronting my parents about deadlines.