Where wild minds come to rest
The other day I was thinking about a daydream that ended two years ago. And I tried to trigger myself into doing it again! From an outside perspective this is incredibly bizarre, seeing as the ~two years I had the daydream were the worst two of my life.
I was experiencing a strange sort of confidence in my own ability to resist the daydream. I looked at triggering images and then I referenced the daydream in a conversation to someone who did not know the context. It gave me this intense adrenaline rush and actually ended up triggering my current daydream.
I also remembered something that was kind of disturbing about that older daydream. One day in winter, it abruptly stopped. I could not experience that particular daydream anymore, and I felt grief over this, and I know it sounds like an exaggeration, but it felt very similar to my grandfather's death. I could barely sleep that night. So the next day I tried to trigger it, and I successfully started it up again. It lasted for another six months after that until I was willing to drop it.
Now, this is a daydream that prevented me from doing things that I love. I was not "allowed" to play piano or draw during this daydream. Sometimes I was not even allowed to eat or speak, and it made me obsessively check all the corners of my room for "someone" watching. So why, despite all this, would I want this daydream in my life? I should have rejoiced when it stopped that one day. I think, perhaps, it was the only interesting thing in my life. It was also the only thing that was capable of making me feel any sort of emotion. I really could not feel anything external to that daydream at its most severe point. I am thankful that it ended and my current one is much less intrusive, but I always wonder what will happen if I lose daydreams altogether. Will I force myself into a new or old one, or something more positive? Or could I be capable of doing something even more unhealthy and self-sabotaging? I hope that when my art career gets going, I will not need to rely on this coping mechanism anymore.
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