Where wild minds come to rest
My entire life, ive been asked the same questions. What are your interests? what do you do for fun? What are your friends like? Every single time i hear these, i panic. Depression, anxiety, MDD, family dynamics, have always kept me from being able to answer any of those questions.
The truth is...i dont know who i am. I dont have hobbies because i spend all of my time DDing, i had to drop out of school because of all my unique problems, and ive never had many friends becasue im missing all of the "normal" social cues. I want to talk to people, but i dont want them to know my truth. Its humiliating. Im so tired of being incredibly embaressed all the time. Its partly why my anxiety is bad. Some of those reasons are irrational, some are justified. ive often thought, that if i were to die, i wouldnt want a funeral, because i dont have very many people in my life that truely know who i am. I feel like my hypothetical funeral would be a few people trying to figure out what to say about me. More humility. I dont want that, even after i die.
Im saying all of this because its so hard for me to be proud of the progress that ive made, when people ask me those questions, and the answers havent changed. Here is what has changed in my life that i am proud of, and means the world to me :
I have a boyfriend-i never REALISTICLY thought that would happen.
I moved into a healthier enviornment, and told people about my MDD, and im getting help
I have a consistant job that i enjoy
I plan to go back to school next semester
so to all the people that ask those questions; yes i dont have any friends, yes i only have a part time job that pays minimum wage, and yes i dropped out of school because im not like you, and yes when i go back it might take me 10 years to finish, and no i dont have any interests because my mental state has robbed me of developing a personality.
But to all those people, you know what? I know that i am strong, i know that i have many demons to conquer. I am determined to achieve my dream in life. And that is honestly, just to be...ok.