How It All Began (A Long Story)

[Lauren M]

    I don't know whether to call my childhood normal or not. I always associate the word "normal" with the majority. I don't know how the majority of kids are raised so. Anyway, my relationship with my mom, during early childhood, was clingy and needy. I always wanted to be wherever my mom was. She was a busy woman. She worked, went to school and still found time for her kids. I think she did a good job of spoiling me. If I cried, I got my way. It was a simple formula. I'm the youngest of 3 girls.  My older sisters held a grudge with me for a long time over the spoiling my mom did. My dad was hardly in my life. I don't think I wanted him around. My older sister's longed for his visits and weekends at his place, but I cried and clung to my mom every time he showed up. I didn't know him. He and my mother divorced when I was 3. So, I didn't know him like my older siblings knew him. He was terrifying to me. He was very strict and there was a language barrier, him being a Jamaican native. I couldn't understand Patois when I was little so I spent a lot of time acting like I understood him when I really didn't. I just hated being around him. He always lived in a nice place, but he was mean spirited and impatient.

My school experience was unstable. We moved often. I never developed strong friendships. We were lower income so we often lived in apartments with roach infestations. This never bothered me. Me and the one sister I was kind of close with made a game out of killing roaches. It was our "normal". My mom had a boyfriend at this time who was very handsome, had a job and played with me and my sisters a lot. We liked him on most days. On the weekends he would get drunk and beat my mom. They were together for 4 years. When they broke up for good, my mom got really sick. I was about 8 years old. I remember her skin color fading. She looked grey and her hair was falling out. She needed to be hospitalized so she asked family members if they could take care of me and my sisters for a while until she got better, but they rejected her. Her last resort was my dad. After making him feel like a piece of sh*t for saying no, he finally agreed to let the 3 of us stay with him. This was the worst news of my life at the time. I could hardly stand a weekend with this man and I was being sent to live with him for x amount of time.

While living with him I zoned out a lot. I simply didn't want to be there. I worried for my mom. There were rumors floating around my family that my mom had contracted an incurable disease. It killed my spirit and all I could do was hope it wasn't true. My dad had a piano in his living room so I turned it to express myself. He eventually found a way to make piano-playing a bad thing. So, I felt I had to stop.

After almost a whole year of living with my dad, my mom regained her health enough to get us back. We moved into a house in a suburban area, but she no longer worked or went to school. Though I was generally happy to be living in a better neighborhood and with my mom, I still worried because I knew something was still wrong with her. She eventually sat me and my sisters down and had a private conversation with us where she revealed she was HIV positive. It was beyond shocking. All I kept thinking was, why my mom. Why my mom? I stopped believing in God at that time. My mom got on drugs pretty bad. Crackheads frequented our house. I often wen't to school smelling bad and got teased by other kids. Me and my sisters basically raised ourselves from there. My mom was always zoned out.

Since I had lost all hope in my mom and even felt embarrassed by her behavior (especially in public), I let go of the bond I once had with her. I started to hate her. At school I would tell kids that my mom was some pretty woman in a photo I brought to school with me. I began compulsively lying a lot. I would make up stories to entertain kids. It helped me feel the way I wanted to feel about life. I couldn't accept what was really going on. My compulsive lying would always catch up with me because my sisters would always tell my peers I different version of things. They often stole my friends and turned people against me. The thing I wanted most as a kid was friends. Usually, I played with kids much younger than me. They were the ones who admired me and my stories.

My sisters thought I was pathetic and made fun of me a lot. I was a bed wetter. They would swear to each other that I would never find a husband when I got older because he would get tired of getting pissed on. I was 9 years old at the time. I was extremely embarrassed and my mom was too spaced out to come to my defense or at least tell them to stop. So, I was pretty isolated and left to be my own ally.

In the front yard of our house, there was a big beautiful tree. I loved climbing this tree. It was so peaceful at the top of it. I would sit up there for hours everyday after school just viewing the neighborhood. I could see everything from up there and no one could see me. This is where I began daydreaming.

It started out very silently. At that time, the daydreams were just in my head and they were only about very beautiful things. I would imagine landscapes and musical pieces. I would imagine myself becoming a great pianist. I absolutely loved music and I could play very well by ear, but I didn't tell anyone because I thought they'd pick me apart and tell me I sucked.

I didn't have characters in my daydreams until after I saw the movie "Titanic". This movie bothered me so much. I didn't understand why Jack had to die. I took it too personal. From that, I created another "Titanic" and Jack...and of course he lived in my version. :) I was so creative. So, the first character I ever created was based on Leonardo DiCaprio. Over time, his image changed. The scenario changed and the plot changed. By the time I was 12 or 13 there were friends, family members and co-workers. Probably 100 characters and I imagined from all of their perspectives at different times.

Also, by that time, the fantasies were no longer silent. I became a mumbler. Whenever someone walked passed my bedroom door, I would become silent. Then when I felt safe, I would continue. This went on for years. As people grew up, they probably forgot about many of the events I still remember. As time went by, they labeled me as anti-social, depressed, mean and I've even been accused of worshiping the devil. I've had all kinds of labels put on me simply because people couldn't make any sense of why I spent so much time in my room, usually with the lights off and windows covered. I wasn't necessarily depressed. I was in another world. The emotions I felt in this other world were real to me. I was happy there. My anger was true anger there. My passions where most passionate there. I had perfect siblings there. A perfect mom. A perfect dad. A perfect...anything I wanted. I could have it as long as I could imagine it. I knew it seemed weird to other people that I had no friends and avoided opportunities to make friends. I simply didn't care. Somewhere, in another place, I had it all. I would do just enough on the outside world to keep people from being too concerned about me. I didn't want the attention. I didn't want them investigating me. I wanted them to live on thinking everything was ok so they'd leave me alone so I could daydream. It had literally become an addiction.

In high school I started getting involved in music and had actually sang solo's in my school choir. I performed the national anthem for a few games and had a couple of friends. All this was to maintain a normal image so that my daydreaming wouldn't be jeopardized. I figured if anyone ever figured out what I was doing it would be over. I would be exposed as the weirdest human being on the planet. I even imagined it being broadcast on the news. The anchors laughing about it and me absolutely wanting to kill myself. So, it was top secret. No one knew about it and I did everything I could to keep it that way.

At 19, I joined the U.S Navy. I joined because I wanted to see the world. I wanted to get away from my mom and sisters. I wanted to see if the daydreaming could be destroyed by a change of environment. It was the longest time I went without daydreaming. I was so stressed out during bootcamp. I didn't even have periods. The food was nasty, but if we didn't eat we were cursed out.lol I met a lot of good people while serving. However, after being sent to a ship...the daydreams returned. It made me delusional. When my ship went underway from Singapore back to Hawaii I lost my freakin' mind. I forgot where I was. I didn't remember joining the service. I didn't know who I was. My identity started glitching or something. I had laughing spells. I lost all military bearing. Eventually, I was sent to the ship doctor. They put me on bed rest. That's when I knew, something was seriously wrong with me. They had me talk to the ship psychologist and he diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. They discharged me under honorable conditions (which isn't the same thing as an honorable discharge). I served only 7 months. It was a wild ride.

After I got discharged, I used to separation pay to support myself and got my own place. I started searching for answers. I needed to know why I was the way I was. I couldn't name it or anything. I felt so alone. I had heard of all kinds of mental disorders, but none of them described mine. I didn't want to start any new relationships with anyone because my perception changed so often that I would forget about my relationships with them. Sometimes I would be this party animal wanting to get drunk an act wild...making friends who behaved that way. A couple of days later, I'm more down to Earth and mellow...also making friends in that category. Then, I would disappear from all of them. I mean, literally moving to a new apartment on the other side of town, just to start over. I've done this at least 3 times. I spent 5 years, from 19 years old to now, looking for confirmation that such a condition exists. Well... hello everyone. I'm Lauren and I'm a Maladaptive Daydreamer (and probably a couple of other things). ❤

I no longer look at it in a pessimistic way. I see it as a creative technique used to get by. The addictiveness is the main problem and as I mentioned in another post, I believe the more good experiences I create in real life, the less desire there will be to fantasize.

Please comment.

[dream lover]

Yeah,i know...i felt it too.... Though i cant enjoy life in present circumstances,there are so many problems,my DD are quite small against them.its enough to drive any person insane.......guess your right,maybe we are an elite group. I made a theory about why we improve after knowing about MD n joining this blog, :) .
"We fear only the unknown,n the fear mutiplies if we have to face it alone......when we have company and know what the problem is...it gets easier to face it....which gives hope of a happy/normal life. Thats why most of the MDs improve after joining WMN" .......does this even qualify as a theory? :) :) :)

[Lauren M]

However, I know this is something I must overcome. I want to really LIVE my LIFE. Since joining this site I'm doing much better. For some reason, the revelation that it's an actual condition and I'm not the only one with it is actually making me improve. I have a desire for real life that I've never experienced before.

[Lauren M]

lol Sometimes I think that, too. Maybe we're sane trying to live in an insane world...which drives us into fantasy. The majority isn't always right. So, that would make us MDer's an elite group of people. That's an optimistic way to look at it. :)

[dream lover]

Most of the normal people are like this...........for some unknown reason they say bad things behind your back like they are trying to hide it from you....but actually they want to show you that they say bad things about you and they dont do it openly....i dont see how that helps......its almost the same. I am quite lucky in this regard,my friends(so called) talk really bad things behind my back but my parents never talk to each other,so i can face one at a time ......hahaha.....dont notice what they say(or pretend you dont notice)...they will stop sooner or later.people are sooooooooo pathetic.....sometimes it seems that they are all insane and somehow we got caught between.

[Lauren M]

@dream lover, I think I was wrongfully diagnosed with BP. If the doctor had known anything about MD it would've been obvious, but it's a new thing to psychologists. I've come to expect misdiagnoses and therefore I don't solely rely on the opinion of doctors anymore. Regarding family, I know they feel negatively toward me, so it's no mystery over here. I know how they feel because they say it regularly. I hear them conversing about me when they think I'm not listening and they say awful things, but it's covered in sarcasm. When I walk into the room where they are, they change and act like everything is cool. I don't see the point of this.

[dream lover]

"Borderline personality"........i googled it and read an article.now i know why some people are really hard to live with. :) . I never knew that they felt bad when they are bad to others. These guys are a pain for themselves and for others too. But now i wonder,maybe our family thought the same about us.

[Lauren M]

I found out about MD almost 10 days ago. For the longest time I settled for the Borderline Personality diagnosis. I knew there was something more going on. The characters, the elaborate fantasies. There's no way that's Borderline Personality alone. So, I actually starting looking for answers around age 16 long before going off to the service. Over the past 2 or 3 months I've really been feeling inclined to "fix" myself. So, last week while online I searched "Imaginary Friends" and read the wikipedia article for it. From there I clicked on "fantasy prone personality" which eventually led to maladaptive daydreaming. When I read the article it felt as if my heart stopped. I also got teary eyed. I simply could not believe how accurate the description was. I was uncomfortable and then I was relieved that it's actually out there. There's a doctor who did a study on 90 people. I wish I had known about it back in 2009 because I would've participated.

[dream lover]

You know,i really felt some hope when you said that,when i read someone telling their stories,it feels as though i myself am saying it. I guess we should talk(or at least type) what we think.i cant be that goodlooking, tough,responsible,good hearted,hopefull,all-rounder,family dude i am in my mind....maybe i should say those alternate things which comes to my mind whenever i talk to someone........the night i found about MD,i cried for so long...........it still feels wierd cause i cried that night after 5 years.what about you guys,how did you feel when you found out that you are not the only one in the universe who were living another life in their mind? I ASK THIS QUESTION TO EVERYONE. (i got emotional.....hope i dont sound like a naggging old lady)

[Lauren M]

@dream lover, I think we're like this because of emotional neglect. Not everyone was abused, but most probably suffered from being neglected on an emotional level in some way. Not enough hugs, not enough "I love you" or people taking interest in you. Or it could be that some of us got attention, but in a humiliating way. Maybe parents or siblings, as in my case. I daydream because there are certain emotions I needed to express and, for the longest time, I felt I couldn't express it in real life. I think we can overcome it. We have to tell our stories and help each other. If we wait on the doctors to figure it out, we'll probably be waiting for a long time.

[Lauren M]

LOL...well, at least we've found each other. It was much worse when I thought I was the only one on planet Earth dealing with it. Nobody wants to be known as "that one chick who talks to herself"...or even those of you who don't express that way, the pacers and those who listen to music while daydreaming, you still don't want to be the only one on Earth with this problem. So, it's a milestone for me to discover all of these other people who are like me.