Where wild minds come to rest
I quit daydreaming. I also stopped listening to music (major trigger that I can never resist), limited TV, “internet”, certain kinds of print media (like women’s magazines) in favour of productive activities. The other rule is that I cannot spend the entire day obsessing about my “self” (i.e. reading up on shyness, introversion, schizoid, identity, self confidence, depression and so on, basically trying to find a diagnosis for “what is wrong with me?”). To give my mind something to focus on (I am not currently employed), I have set up some daily goals.
Let me first mention that I have been daydreaming for a very long time. I am also in my daydream world constantly. I mean there are no breaks. I am always in the alternate reality in my mind, even as I engage in the real world, I am not truly invested in the real world. My case is severe. My alternate reality IS my reality.
The first few days I quit were not a success but I just kept going (this is probably the millionth time I have quit by the way, so I have learnt some lessons from prior quitting experience).
Yesterday I did a liquid cleanse to jump start a healthy lifestyle (this is just so my mind has something to focus on). I only drank water, lemon water and a “green” smoothie. I also did not daydream yesterday. I did some minor exercise and reading.
I woke up today with zero energy due to not eating. I got out of bed and felt “lost”. Without my daydream world, without music, internet and TV, employment and no close relationships, who am I? I felt like I had no place in the world. I felt peace and suicidal at the same time. I felt free yet afraid. There was a time, especially where my mind was not “chattering”, when I felt this calm that I first interpreted as depression, but I now think it is not. I think it is a serene state that my body does not recognise. It is too used to being in a daydream state or listening to music or planning. I also had no energy from not eating, so combined with the “feeling lost” it was just too much for me to handle. I felt like crying, but I didn’t (I pictured myself crying and “letting it all out”, but I really had no energy to cry in real life). I told myself that I would cry and write a journal entry about how I feel when I got to the gym.
I lazily, somewhat depressed, drove to the gym. When I got there I was too lazy to cry and write what I felt. I do not know what I felt. It was something new. I am never in touch with my real emotions, I am always in my other world where everything is perfect, a place where the only “emotion” I have to deal with is feeling awesome about my achievements.
It’s such a weird feeling. I don’t even know if “lost” is the word. I have not told anyone about this so it is also strange talking to my mom and brother as usual when inside I feel different. This is a huge loss (or “change”) and they don’t even know it. This loss is actually very traumatic. I feel disoriented. I mean had it been the loss of a pet, job or person at least people around me would be aware of my loss and sympathise (or understand that things are different). But since I cannot reveal this to my family, I just have to go on living as though nothing has changed though I feel different inside. I have to mourn on my own. I have to find a new life, a new identity on my own.
I have to become someone else on the inside even though the outside looks the same.