Where wild minds come to rest
So, my family doesn't know about MDD or that I have it. As far as they know I am their angel child with perfect grades, good friends, and active in the school community.
Lately, I have started to watch and enjoy anime. Which is super fun, a lot of my friends watch anime and I convinced NE to watch the one I love. But, then MDD kicked in.
In most fandoms, there is a plethora of fan made content. It usually consists of fanart and fanfiction.
Let me rant about fanfiction for a second. When you hear the word, most people think about the romancy reader inserts and whatever. I hate those. I prefer the ones that are more like an extra season or episode. But most people don't think that's what I mean. So get bad vibes already.
But, with anime, there is something else people do that I find really cool. There's this thing called MMD (Not MDD, but ironically similar sounding). Its a computer program that lets you animate characters and add sound and do all sorts of cool stuff. So, I started looking at those.
This part is hard to explain. I originally started watching them thinking, "Oh, this animation looks so good!" I program for the school robotics team, so I could appreciate the effort programming-wise. But then, it kinda went downhill.
I would watch a video, and think of a backstory for it. Like, there would be a dancing video and I would think, "Oh, this character dared this guy to do this," or whatever. I less of watch them, but zone out and daydream as they go. I have entire stories based around them.
Now, I don't know about other MDDers, but I am super majorly insecure. I always feel that people are going to reject me and leave me because my brain works differently. I am super paranoid that my friends are "pity friends" who don't really care about me. So, I still hid.
I watch these things on an iPad. My younger sister likes to come and bug me when I am watching. Every time I see her come toward me, I quickly pause and hide the screen so she won't see it. I just felt that it would hurt way too much for me to handle if my own sister rejected me.
Well, guess what? Yesterday, she asked me why I hid the iPad every time someone came over to talk to me. She assured me she wouldn't judge me. Well, next time she came over, I decided to trust her and didn't hide the screen. She looked at me like I completely lost my sanity and said, "That's just sad."
THAT IS WHY I DON'T TELL MY FAMILY ABOUT THIS CRAP! Sister, you question why I am introverted and don't talk much and am super soft spoken. THAT IS FLIPPING WHY!
I feel like no one will accept me, so I hide. Someone tell me they won't judge, then they do exactly that.
And they wonder why I have trust issues.
I barely trust this community to not judge me...