It's me again. I know I've been commenting and posting often recently, and I apologize for that. I know it must be annoying. But, today I have finally gotten up the courage to try and discuss something. I need help. There...I said it. I need help. I have just had this constant feeling of emptiness inside lately. A pit in my stomach, and a feeling of 'You're not worth it.
Allow me to explain. My daydreams very widely revolve around this couple. Elizabeth and Max and their names. Elizabeth is my idealized version of myself, and Max...Well, he got the name from my ex-boyfriend, who stomped on my heart and basically burned me alive, but he's also everything I dream to have in a guy. I think that the emptiness only comes when I am aware of reality and my REAL life, because I realize that my Max character isn't a real person. And it he were to be a real person, he would love Elizabeth. Not me. And this hurts. It hurts because, Elizabeth has had all of the same life struggles as I have had. She had the same dreams and hopes that I currently have, but the only thing is that she has accomplished those dreams already, and I haven't. I just feel so hopeless and empty when I snap out of my daydreams, because Max isn't there for me in my REAL life. He's just sitting in a corner of my imagination just waiting to be needed again. It hurts and makes me sad. If Lizzie has gone through everything that I have gone through in my life, and she's happy and content, then does that mean I'm just not worth a life partner and happiness? Yes, I know I'm only 15, and that sounds early to be thinking about "Love" and what not, but it just has me thinking because when I was with my ex-boyfriend this previous summer, the happiness was SO beautiful. I was SO happy. I even stopped daydreaming for 2 weeks straight because I was so happy with my real life that I didn't want my 2nd. But that happiness only lasted less than a month. He started telling me things like "You're so worthless," "You should just go kill yourself," "You're just so stupid..." He hurt me. And left me. And I let him do it. (He was Bipolar, so that's why he randomly went off on me like that). So, when he left me a mess, and broken hearted, I created someone like him. Same name, masculine, intimidating, Gothic...I named him Max, too. Now Max is with Elizabeth, and happily engaged. Except he isn't a jerk. He loves Lizzie, and he actually treats her with respect, rather than a pile of trash.
I am sorry. I think I got off track. Friends, I'm not even entirely sure what I'm trying to say. I think I'm just trying to ask for help. For advice. What do I do about this forever-lasting emptiness? How do I cure it? It hurts and I don't know where to go from here.
Thank you. The more I type, the more I realize that it is sounding like a desparate cry out for attention. I promise that wasn't my intention. I really just need help right now.
Much love, fellow MDers. You've helped me through many struggles with MD, and I am thankful for that. I'm thankful for each and every one of you, and especially this site. (Thank you SO much, Ms. Cordeilla!)